Title: Unspoken

Author: Chaps1870

Pairing: Rodney/Carson but more about John and Rodney’s friendship

Rating: R

Warning: Some Slash elements but rated for language/violence not explicit content.

Summary: John finds out Rodney and Carson are in a relationship and it threatens his friendship with Rodney.

Disclaimer: No infringement of copyright is intended.

Chapter One

“Damn it, McKay. PUSH!”

“I’m trying, Major. Just get the damn thing.”

“You know, you could be the one under here risking life and limb,” joked Sheppard, looking nervously at the heavy rock above him.

Rodney snorted a laugh, “Oh right, like I trust your skinny ass to hold this up.”

John tried to act indignant while grinning, “What’s wrong with my skinny ass?”

“It’s skinny. That’s all I’m saying,” said McKay, smugly.

Major Sheppard was on his stomach amidst the crumbled ruins trying to reach for the small power source Dr. McKay had located. It was buried under the remains of a large column that Rodney presently had his back against and was trying to hold in place.

McKay grunted through clenched teeth, “Could you hurry, Major? Kind of heavy here!” Rodney was straining and sweat gathered on his brow as he planted his feet and tried to maintain his hold on the column. Sheppard started to back out when Rodney was struck by a sharp pain in his stomach and he faltered, the column slipping forward several inches. A scream rent the air and he pushed against the column harder, the pain gone again. It was too late. Major Sheppard was sitting on his haunches holding his hand firmly to his chest, rocking back and forth.

John was moaning in pain and yelling at Rodney all in the same breath, “Goddamn it, McKay. You broke my fucking hand.”

Easing the column back into its original position, Rodney hurried to Major Sheppard’s side, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It slipped.” Reaching out, he tried to help. “Let me see it.”

The pain in his hand was intense and John was in no mood for niceties. With his good hand he shoved McKay aside, knocking him on his butt. “Don’t touch it!”

Undeterred, Rodney sat up and inched closer, “Look, I just want to help. I said I was sorry.”

“You could have helped by holding the damn column!”

Again he reached out and carefully inspected the Major’s damaged hand. It was already swelling and turning black and blue. Rodney cringed, knowing it must hurt like hell. He hadn’t meant to slip, but a sudden pain had caught him off guard. He’d been feeling nauseous all morning but attributed it to bad food or something. He doubted very much if Major Sheppard would be interested as to why he’d let the column slip, so he left it alone. Inspecting the injured hand, McKay spoke, “I think it’s broken.”

Glaring at him, Sheppard snapped, “No shit, Sherlock. And we are out in the middle of bumfuck nowhere.”

Searching through his pack, Rodney pulled out the first aid kit and rummaged for something useful. His choices were limited to morphine and Tylenol. He hoped the Major would agree to morphine, since they were a good eight hours from the gate and with night falling they wouldn’t be doing any traveling until morning. Rodney keyed his radio to alert the others. “Teyla, Ford, the Major’s been injured. Report immediately.”

Teyla answered, concern lacing her voice, “Dr. McKay, how badly is he hurt?”

“I think his hand is broken. Look, just get here, okay.” He shot a look at Sheppard, “He’s not being very cooperative.” The Major mouthed back ‘fuck you’ and Rodney winced.

“On our way, Dr. McKay.”

Rodney held out the morphine and Tylenol, “Which is it gonna be, Major?”

Pain glazed eyes stared back at him. “What do you think?”

“I think you are very unpleasant when you’ve been hurt,” smirked Rodney, “However, I’d like to think you’re smart enough to take the morphine, Major. We aren’t going anywhere tonight and you might as well be comfortable.”

Still holding his hand tightly to his chest, Sheppard’s shoulders slumped and he nodded weakly, the pain obviously taking its toll. He hated hurting, it made him grumpy. He knew this was an accident, but that didn’t change the fact that his hand was throbbing in time with his heartbeat. He sighed in resignation, “Fine. Give me the shot then.”

“Good answer.” Giving him the shot, they sat in awkward silence. Finally Rodney asked hesitantly, “So, did you get the device?”

John looked at him in disbelief. “Yeah, McKay…” He nodded towards the column. “It’s under there in a million pieces. Knock yourself out.”

“Well that’s just great. We spend a whole day trudging through the Jungle Book to get here and now it’s for nothing,” huffed Rodney.

Smirking, John shot back, “Oh I don’t know, McKay. I’ve got a fucking broken hand. That’s got to be something.”

Rodney sulked, “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, I got that.” The harshness was suddenly gone, replaced by remorse for his attitude, “Look, I know you didn’t mean it. I’m sorry I snapped at you.” Major Sheppard’s words slurred and he tilted dangerously to his left.

Rodney grabbed for him and gently lowered him to the ground. Seeing him drift off, he grabbed his radio again, “Lieutenant Ford?”

“Yeah, Doc?”

“We’re gonna have to make camp here, the Major has passed out.”

“Got it. I’ll move everything to your location. Out.”

While Rodney waited for Teyla and Ford, he splinted the Major’s hand and set up a tent for evening. Storm clouds had been gathering all day and it was just a matter of time before the rain started. He pulled a couple MRE’s from his pack, but the thought of food sent his stomach roiling and he stuffed them back before lunch made its presence known.

********

Rodney dozed a few times but every time John stirred, he was right there to make sure he was alright. It hurt to see John suffering, especially since it was his fault and could have been prevented. The fact that Sheppard agreed to the morphine was testament to the pain he was in.

When John woke in the middle of the night, he found Rodney sitting in the dark beside him. “What are you doing up, McKay?”

“Um, I woke up, thought you might need something,” he said shyly, not willing to admit he was worried about his friend and had been up most of the night keeping vigil. Not for the first time, he wondered why he ever considered field work.

“Some water would be nice,” croaked Sheppard, his voice gravelly.

“Be right back.” Rodney scrambled from the tent and quickly returned with a canteen. Holding it so the major could drink, he stuttered an apology, “Look, I’m sorry about your hand. I… it… it was an accident.”

Holding his hand to his chest, John lie back sighing, “I know, McKay. Forget it alright. Shit happens. If I’d thought you’d done it on purpose I woulda shot you.”

Relieved by the teasing, Rodney shot back, “How comforting? Would you like something more for the pain? I’d rather you didn’t shoot me in my sleep.”

“Nah, I’m feeling pretty buzzed at the moment. I think you’re safe…for now.”

“You’ll let me know if you change your mind… right?”

John smiled tiredly, “I’m sure you’ll know the minute the bullet pierces your brilliant mind.”

Rodney quipped, “You get a little irritable and snippy with the pain thing, don’t you?”

“It’s a part of my charm.”

“You need to work on your approach, Major.”

Yawning, John said groggily, “Goodnight, McKay.”

“Night, Major.”

By morning, Rodney was glad that at least some of the pain of the initial break had subsided enough that Sheppard could function without the morphine. He made due on Tylenol, not wanting to be loopy for the long walk back to the gate. His mood reflected the pain he was in and none of them were spared his bitter tongue.

“Eat, McKay,” insisted Sheppard.

“I’m not hungry.” Rodney’s nausea continued this morning, only it was much worse and he was certain a fever was starting. More than anything he was just thirsty.

“Since when?” snorted John, regretting it when it jarred his hand. His tone was sharper as he added, “Just eat something, McKay. I don’t want you bitching in an hour about your damn blood sugar.”

Sheppard’s words stung and Rodney fumbled in his vest, pulling out a powerbar to appease the major. “Fine.”

Teyla and Ford watched with stunned expressions as the major taunted the doctor. There was no mistaking his hurt look but McKay remained uncharacteristically silent as he got to his feet and walked towards the ruins.

“Don’t wander off.” Sheppard ground out, “We are leaving in five minutes.”

Rodney waved him off without looking back. As soon as he was out of sight, he placed the powerbar back in his vest and slumped into a large piece of ruin. Taking a deep breath, he shifted, trying to ease the pain in his stomach. Thinking things couldn’t possibly get any worse, the sky opened up and it began to rain. Ducking his head, he sighed, “Oh perfect!”

Two hours later the rain was still coming down and they were all thoroughly drenched. Ford and Sheppard were on point, with McKay and Teyla bringing up the rear. Despite the pain the major was in, he was walking at an unrelenting pace, wanting only to get home. Rodney followed behind, the rain feeling cool on his hot skin.

Thirsty, he reached for his canteen only to find it empty then silently berated himself for drinking so much. Stopping briefly, he opened it and held it up, hoping to collect some of the rain. Teyla stepped up beside him, her eyes darting ahead to where Major Sheppard and Lieutenant Ford were still walking. “I think we should keep moving, Dr. McKay. We don’t want to lose the others.”

“More like we don’t want to incur Attila’s wrath this morning.”

Eyeing him curiously, she asked, “What is this Attila you speak of?”

“He was a tyrant in Earth’s history. In this case, I was referring to Major Sheppard.”

Teyla smiled knowingly; she herself was avoiding the major after being dismissed for trying to assist him. “Are you feeling okay, Doctor?”

“I’m fine.” He shrugged off her concern. Swishing his canteen to see if any progress was being made, he wasn’t aware of the major’s approach until he was startled by his voice and flinched.

“What are you doing, McKay?” Sheppard’s tone left little doubt about his mood.

Regaining his composure, Rodney answered sarcastically, “Well, since you don’t seem to want to stop, I was refilling my canteen.”

“And what happened to yours?” snapped Sheppard, his patience gone.

“I drank it. Isn’t that what one does with water?” Rodney retorted. Sheppard was already pissed off and there was no way Rodney was going to admit he wasn’t feeling well. He was certain the major would launch into a tirade about not eating breakfast.

“We’ve only been walking for a few hours, McKay.”

Wiping his face as the rain dripped in his eyes, Rodney purposely flicked it away, “It’s not like we have to conserve, Major.”

Shifting his hand inside his vest, Sheppard winced. Shaking his head, both from pain and frustration, he barked irritably, “We don’t have time for this.” Removing his own canteen he thrust it at Rodney, “Try to show some restraint. Let’s go.”

Rodney fumbled the canteen and stood speechless, no snide remark forthcoming. He watched as Sheppard turned on his heel and began his relentless pace again, leaving the others no choice but to follow.

Teyla caught up with Ford and walked with him for a bit. “Have you noticed that Dr. McKay does not seem himself today?”

Ford smiled, “You mean snappy and arrogant? I’m sure he’s just feeling bad for hurting the major. You know how he dwells on things.”

“Perhaps.” She glanced over her shoulder at McKay, who was trudging behind them, occasionally wiping the rain off his face. He looked tired, but none of them had slept well and the rain was making the ground muddy, adding to the difficulty of walking. “I don’t think he is feeling well.”

“You wanna tell the Major?” questioned Aiden, not really relishing the thought of speaking with his commanding officer today. He’d tried to assist him earlier, knowing his commanding officer was in pain, but he’d been rebuffed for his efforts. Major Sheppard was not a pleasant person when he was in pain. Not that anyone blamed him. His hand was swollen and no doubt throbbing unmercifully. With only Tylenol to dull the ache, it made him touchy and irritable and all of them were keeping their distance, letting him set whatever pace he was comfortable with.

“I will speak to him,” sighed Teyla, pushing a soaked strand of hair out of her face. She hurried to catch Sheppard, falling into step beside him, “I think Dr. McKay could use a break, Major. I don’t think he is feeling well.”

“He’s never well. It’s always something.” When Teyla didn’t respond, he gave her quick sideways glance, noticing her disapproving look, “What?”

Always diplomatic, Teyla spoke softly, “I understand that you are hurting, Major, but that is no reason for you to act as you have towards Dr. McKay. It was an accident.”

Sheppard’s shoulders slumped, knowing full well he was being an ass. “I’m sorry. I just want to get back. If we’d left yesterday when I wanted to instead of letting McKay talk us into staying…” His voice grew harsh as he spoke, his anger returning when he thought about their present circumstances, “I wouldn’t have a broken hand and we wouldn’t be trying to get back in a goddamn rainstorm.” Reaching into his pocket he pulled out a powerbar and passed it to her, “Give that too him. That should shut him up for a while.”

Teyla shook her head at him, “Dr. McKay has not said anything to me about feeling unwell. I was simply making an observation.”

John rolled his eyes. “Then he’s fine. If he was feeling bad, we’d all be hearing about it.” She stood staring at him and his conscience ate at him. He was being an ass to McKay, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself. Rodney was always the easiest target for his anger because he didn’t buckle under it, always ready with a snide remark of his own. Seeing Teyla’s disapproval, he sighed, “We’ll stop in another hour.”

She bowed her head, “Thank you, Major.”

An hour later, they found a copse of trees with a thick overhang of leaves that offered some protection from the rain. Soaked to the skin and tired from trudging through the mud, conversation was at a minimum as they ate lunch. Rodney sat off by himself and opening an MRE forced himself to eat, thinking maybe it would make him feel better. It didn’t. He got to his feet and walking several yards into the woods, lost what little he’d tried to eat, glad that the rain drowned out any sound he was making. Returning, he sat hunched over, his arms wrapped around himself. To the others it looked like he was trying to keep warm. To Rodney, it was just less painful than sitting upright, the pain in his gut getting worse as the day went along.

He thought about mentioning it, but if the major could suffer through with a broken hand then he really had no right to complain about a stomach ache. Besides, he was still able to keep up and right now that was all that mattered, getting Sheppard home.

Chapter Two

It was several hours later and Rodney was moving on pure will alone. His stomach ache had turned to sharp pains and he’d had to stop more than once to catch his breath. Each time, the major harassed him about keeping up. He tried to, he really did but eventually he had no choice but to stop again. Leaning against a nearby tree, he bent over, his fingers pressed firmly against the pain in his side.

He wasn’t surprised when the Major appeared in front of him a few minutes later demanding in an irritated voice, “Now what?”

Rodney glanced up and seeing Sheppard’s aggravation through pain shrouded eyes, he knew he wasn’t feeling well either. In a ragged breath he tried to answer, “I just need a minute to rest. I’m not feeling…”

He cringed as the Major released some of his own pain and irritation, “I don’t give a rat’s ass how you are feeling at the moment. I’m tired, McKay…really, really tired. In case you don’t recall, I have a broken hand and right now it is throbbing like a motherfucker. So you know what, McKay? I really don’t want to hear about how tired, or sore, or hungry you are.”

“But…”

“ENOUGH! Just keep up from now on or I swear I’ll leave your ass behind. You got it?”

In a half whisper, Rodney answered, “Yeah I got it, Major.” Rodney swallowed hard as he straightened, cowed by the Major’s fury. Pushing off the tree, he followed, trying hard to ignore the stabbing pain that was now concentrated in his side. For once he was glad it was raining and no one could see the tears that fell unwillingly. Every step was agony, jarring his side. Walking became a matter of putting one foot in front of the other.

As the day wore on, the Major’s pace slowed, his own exhaustion becoming evident. Ford stayed at his side ready to offer assistance while Teyla walked with McKay. When she silently handed him her canteen, McKay looked at her in surprise. He’d finished off the Major’s earlier but refused to ask for more. She nodded at him. “Drink, Doctor.”

Taking only a small drink, he handed it back. “Thanks.”

“Are you in a lot of pain, Dr. McKay?”

He shrugged off his surprise at her comment. “I’ll be fine.” It was weak and he knew it, but he wasn’t going to complain. He’d tried to explain to Sheppard and had received one tongue-lashing too many. Short of passing out, he doubted the Major would stop this close to the Stargate.

“You do not look so well.”

Rodney tried to smile, feeling uncomfortable under her scrutiny. “Well the wet, bedraggled thing never looked good on me.”

She smiled back and reached for him when he suddenly stumbled. A small gasp escaped and he had to pause to catch his breath. “It is only a little ways farther, Doctor. Can you make it?”

He nodded and continued walking, thankful for her silent company. When the Stargate loomed into view, Ford was practically carrying the Major. He had already dialed the gate by the time Rodney and Teyla arrived, having called ahead for Beckett to meet them on the other side. Four wet and miserable individuals stumbled through the gate.

Dr. Beckett had his team ready when they arrived and Ford helped the Major sit so they could exam his hand. Rodney wandered over to the steps and sat down, thankful to be off his feet. Teyla joined him, helping him remove his gear while Dr. Weir questioned Sheppard and Ford about the mission. As John was taken care, Rodney leaned into the wall and closed his eyes, the pain getting worse by the moment. His voice was just above a whisper as he implored of Teyla, “Get Carson for me.”

Jumping to her feet, Teyla hurried to the doctor’s side, “Dr. Beckett, I think you should look at Dr. McKay.”

Not looking at her, he continued to work. “It’s gonna have to wait. I’m kinda busy here.”

Teyla dropped her hand to his shoulder to get his attention, her voice very firm, “Now, Doctor!”

Carson looked at her sharply and then he glanced over to where Rodney was sitting. Seeing how pale the scientist was, his heart lurched and his first thought was his hypoglycemia. He looked at the others and asked worriedly, “When did he eat last?”

“He ate lunch,” offered Sheppard.

Shaking her head, Teyla spoke, “I do not think it is his blood sugar, Doctor. He has been sick all day and his side is hurting him.”

“I’ll have a look at him then. I’ll be right back, Major.” Carson stood up and hurried to where Rodney was sitting and squatted in front of him. His eyes were closed and Carson spoke softly, “Rodney?”

Rodney slowly opened his eyes, a half smile forming for the doctor. “Carson.”

Carson could see the pain in his eyes and he had to resist reaching out to comfort him, instead calling on his medical training to remain detached. Touching his brow, he checked him for fever and took his pulse, noting both. His voice was filled with concern as he asked, “How long have you been sick, Rodney?”

Closing his eyes, Rodney muttered, “Yesterday.”

“When did you eat last?” Patting Rodney’s hand to get his attention, Carson’s own was suddenly enclosed in a death grip. Rodney paled even more, his throat bobbed and he whimpered pathetically, “Sick.” Carson tried to help, but Rodney was already turning his head and throwing up on the stairs.

It continued with dry heaves until Rodney grabbed his side, panting in pain. Carson grew alarmed at the paleness of his face and his obvious pain. “Rodney, tell me what you’re feeling?”

Rodney’s whole façade crumbled as he leaned forward letting his head was resting on Carson’s shoulder. He shuddered and cried out softly, “My side. God, it hurts.”

Carson reached up and clasped Rodney’s neck while his other hand gently rubbed his back. Pulling away, his lips lingered on Rodney’s forehead as he muttered, “I need to look at you, luv. Can you lean back for me?”

Already having a good idea what was wrong, he helped Rodney lean back on the stairs and lifted his shirt, exposing his abdomen. Looking Rodney in the eye, he hesitated, “This is going to hurt, but I need to check.”

Nodding weakly, Rodney closed his eyes tightly, hoping to prepare himself for what he knew was coming but frantically hoping it wouldn’t materialize. When Carson pushed in on his right side and then released the pressure, Rodney screamed as fire spread all through his stomach. The agonizing pain leveled off to sharp throb and he lay in a heap on the steps, gasping for air and wishing he didn’t know so damn much for once.

“Damn.” Carson began issuing orders. “I want his blood work stat. I want the results by the time we get to the infirmary. Get the OR ready for surgery and tell Dr. Michaels he’ll be assisting.” Pointing to where the Major and everyone else were staring wide eyed, he barked at the nurses. “Bring that gurney. Major, you’re going to have to wait for the next one.”

Major Sheppard ignored those that tried to keep him down, pushing them aside and stumbling to his feet, anxious to get to his friend. He joined Teyla who was standing off to the side as Carson took Rodney’s blood. Holding his arm gingerly to his chest he asked worriedly, “What’s wrong with him, Doc?”

“Well I cannot be certain ‘til we get the blood work back, but if I were a bettin’ man I’d say he has acute appendicitis.”

If looks could kill, the one Teyla shot Sheppard would have put him six feet under. Guilt washed over him. “I didn’t know. Why didn’t he say something?”

Teyla watched as they loaded Rodney onto the gurney then turned to the Major, “I believe he tried, Major, but you refused to listen.”

Overhearing this, Carson frowned at Sheppard, but quickly turned his attention back to Rodney to secure him on the gurney. As they started out of the room, Rodney sat up, panicking. “Carson, is it bad?”

Carson hid his concern. Stepping beside the gurney, he gently cupped Rodney’s face in his hand, his eyes shining as he spoke. “Shh. I’m right here, luv. You’re goin’ to be just fine. I’m goin’ to take care of ya.”

Rodney clasped Carson’s hand as it lay against his cheek, closed his eyes and let himself relax. If he’d kept them open he might have seen the stunned looks on the faces of the dozen or so people in the gateroom that were witness to his and Carson’s outing.

Chapter 3

John Sheppard lay in bed trying to find his way to the surface, the drugs in his system doing their job too well. His hand didn’t hurt anymore. In fact, he wasn’t sure he even had any hands at the moment. Beckett must have used some of the really good stuff. Something about Carson was nagging at the edge of his consciousness and he concentrated, trying to draw it closer. Memories flirted with him but before he could question the wrongness of them, the drugs reclaimed him.

The next time he woke, his head was much clearer. There was silence around him and the lights in the infirmary were dimmed low. It was probably night time in Atlantis. Scooting up on the bed, he looked around for any sign of activity. In the bed next to his lay Rodney, tubes and machines hooked up to the pale scientist. At McKay’s bedside was Dr. Beckett, watching him sleep. His eyes widened when he saw Carson’s hand entwined in McKay’s and it all came rushing back. Feeling himself blush, he turned away quickly and moaned when his hand brushed the bed.

It was enough to get Beckett’s attention, who reluctantly rose from McKay’s bedside. His tone was cool, but professional as he asked, “How are you feeling, Major?”

Carson wasn’t too happy with all that he’d heard about the mission regarding Rodney. It was probably a good thing the major was his patient right now, because it was the only thing keeping Carson from going after him. There was no doubt Rodney could protect himself but right now he was lying in bed recovering from surgery and Carson wanted very badly to take his anger and frustration out on someone. At the moment, that someone happened to be Major Sheppard.

Sheppard watched him warily as he approached, trying hard not to back away when Beckett checked all his vitals. Nodding towards McKay’s bed he asked, “How’s he doing?”

“He’ll have a rough few days but barring complications he should be fine.”

Swallowing hard, the Major frowned, “Complications?”

“Yes, Major, complications. His appendix burst just as we were preparing to do surgery. We have him on antibiotics hoping he doesn’t develop peritonitis.”

John hesitated slightly before asking, “Did walking make it worse?”

Carson snorted in annoyance, “You can save yourself the guilt trip, Major. I doubt the walking aggravated his condition other than causing him a lot of unnecessary pain.”

“Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I thought he was just being McKay. You know how he complains.”

“So I’ve heard.” Carson did a final check on the machines and dismissed the Major curtly, “I’ll release you in the morning.” Turning his back, Carson returned to Rodney’s bedside.

Slipping his hand in Rodney’s again, Carson watched as he tried to open his eyes. They fluttered a few times and he leaned closer, his hand cupping Rodney’s face as he spoke softly, “Come on then, luv. Open ‘em for me.”

Rodney’s voice was dry and scratchy, “Car…son. Thirs…ty.”

“How about some ice chips?” Reaching for the cup, Carson scooped a few out and feed them to him. Letting his hand rest lightly against Rodney’s cheek, Carson smiled when he leaned into his touch. “Better?”

Closing his eyes, Rodney let the cool moisture slide down his throat. “Thanks.” His voice was weary and he eased back into sleep. Glancing over to see that the Major was sleeping, Carson leaned closer and dropped a light kiss on Rodney’s forehead, “Get some rest, luv.”

He was startled when the Major spoke up, his tone not a good one, “How long have you two been… um… you know?”

Carson turned and reached out for the privacy curtain, “That is none of your business, Major.” Yanking the curtain shut, he effectively stopped any conversation regarding Rodney and himself.

He was having a hard time coming to terms with what he’d done and no doubt Rodney was going to be upset with him. They’d managed to keep their relationship secret all through Antarctica and up until now it hadn’t been a problem. Rodney insisted they remain discreet, knowing the military frowned on such relationships. Although neither man was technically in the military, they did have to associate with them on a day to day basis. Carson wasn’t all that worried about people knowing but Rodney had been adamant about it, and admittedly he had reason to be concerned, he’d been bashed more than once over the years and his fears were well founded.

Still…Carson found it hard to believe that an operation such as Atlantis would have a contingent of people that were so narrow minded. Regardless, he’d conceded to Rodney’s wishes and they’d kept it in the closet, until now.

*******

Rodney was in and out of it for a couple of days and thankfully the antibiotics were doing their job. Teyla and Ford both visited regularly, keeping him company even when he wasn’t aware of their presence.

“Why can’t I have real food, Carson?”

Smiling at his patient, Carson countered, “That is real food.”

Lifting his spoon, Rodney let the broth drip back into the bowl. He scowled at the Doctor, “This is brown water tinged with… something. It in no way constitutes real food.”

Carson sat at the edge of the bed, grinning. “Quit your bitchin’ and eat, Rodney. Maybe if you’re good I’ll see about moving you up to soft food.”

Rodney dropped his head into hand, still moping, “Oh goody…” His sarcasm was cut short by Teyla and Ford’s entrance and he brightened considerably, “Tell me you brought some real food?”

“I am sorry, Dr. McKay, but Dr. Beckett threatened us if we even considered it,” said Teyla, sincerely sorry she could not help him. Ford just snickered. Rodney looked around them, his face showing disappointment when he failed to see Sheppard. The two visitors looked at Carson, who closed his eyes a second and gave a barely discernable shake of his head. They turned the conversation to more lighthearted events, avoiding the Major’s absence.

Every time Rodney tried to ask someone, one of them changed the subject until he finally snapped, “Alright! Is someone going to tell me why Major Sheppard is avoiding me?”

Ford bounced nervously and Teyla looked at Dr. Beckett for guidance. Carson nodded towards the door and Teyla took her cue. “We will leave you to discuss it.”

Bending over McKay, she touched her forehead to his. “Get well, Doctor. We will return later.”

Ford offered his own farewell, “See ya, Doc. Hope you’re feeling better.”

He watched them leave and turned on Carson. “What are you trying so hard to keep from me?”

Sitting on the bed next to him Carson began hesitatingly, “Major Sheppard went to Elizabeth and asked that you be removed from the team…”

Shocked, Rodney interrupted him, desperately pleading his case. “Look, I said I was sorry for breaking his hand. Surely he knows it was an accident. I…I…had a pain and I slipped.” His eyes grew distant at the memory and the guilt he’d felt because of it.

Carson shook his head sadly. “That’s not the reason he wants you off his team.”

“Then what, Carson? Why the sudden change?” Rodney paused, bewildered and hurt. “I thought we were friends.”

Friends…Carson saddened at Rodney’s fallen face. It had taken him a long time to get close enough to Rodney to find all his hidden insecurities. He was as loyal as any man, even more so than most if he decided you were worthy of his trust. It wasn’t something he gave lightly but he’d given his team his trust. Being a part of Sheppard’s team was, in Rodney’s eyes, his greatest accomplishment. Despite his protests about being out in the field, he loved the chance to be a part of something special, to know that it was his team that was making a difference. Carson watched as it all came tumbling down on top of Rodney and he added reassuringly, “Before I tell you, I want you to know that Elizabeth refused him, you’re still a part of the team.”

Rodney stared blankly over Carson’s shoulder, shaking his head. “What did I do?”

“It wasn’t you, luv. It was me.”

“Huh?” Rodney frowned, thoroughly confused.

Taking a deep breath, Carson explained, “When we were in the Gateroom, when you got back from the planet…I shoulda been more careful. You were just hurtin’ so much and I wanted to hold you so bad and try to make it better.” Closing his eyes, he stopped and sighed, “I let it slip that you and I were…together.”

His eyes wide, Rodney stuttered, “As in they know we are… together?”

Dropping his head, Carson nodded, “Aye, I’m sorry. It just happened.”

Letting go a deep breath, Rodney slumped back on the bed, blindly reaching out his hand to Carson. “It’s not your fault. I… needed you. I let the whole day get to me.” He opened his eyes and looked at Carson. “I just wanted you to hold me. Make it go away.” Carson held his hand, caressing it softly as Rodney relaxed. Just as his breathing eased, he sat up suddenly. Groaning painfully, he grabbed his stomach, crying out between breaths, “God, that was stupid.”

Carson moved quickly, holding Rodney as he took in several deep breaths against the pain in his side. “Not one of your more brilliant moves, luv.”

“Thank you, Carson. Your sympathy is overwhelming,” sniped Rodney, letting him help as he lie back down.

“What pray tell was that all about?”

Pausing to think, Rodney opened his eyes and lifted up only enough to look at him. “I was going to ask if anyone was giving you a hard time.”

Shaking his head, Carson answered with a cheeky grin, “The grapevine is runnin’ rampant but no one has mentioned anythin’ to me.”

Rodney was quiet for several minutes before speaking, “So Major Sheppard has a problem with my being gay and asked Elizabeth to remove me from his team, only she said no?”

“Aye, that’s the gist of it.”

“Well, won’t going back to work be a joy for me. Maybe I should just quit the team.”

“Ya know ya can’t do that, Rodney. You’d never forgive yourself. Maybe he just needs time to adjust.”

“I thought he was a friend.” Closing his eyes, Rodney’s voice wavered, “I guess I was wrong.” Yawning, he tried to stay awake, but his eyes drifted shut and moisture gathered on his lashes. Sighing, Carson watched him sleep for several moments, resisting the urge to go find one Major Sheppard and beat some sense into the man.

Elizabeth walked in at that moment and seeing her, Carson rose to intercept her, not wanting to wake Rodney. “How is he doing?”

“Better. I had to tell him what is going on.”

“How did he take it?”

Crossing his arms, Carson stared back towards the bed Rodney was lying in. “Not well. He feels betrayed. Oh, he doesn’t say that, but I can see it in his eyes.”

“I never expected John to react so strongly,” she said. “When Rodney is feeling up to it, I’d like to see how he feels about staying on the team. After this last trip he may feel differently.”

*********

John stalked the lower corridors of Atlantis trying to get his mind around recent events. He never would have suspected Rodney and Carson in a relationship if he hadn’t seen it with his own eyes. It rankled him that his best friend on Atlantis was gay and he didn’t know about it. Weir knew, but he hadn’t a clue. He’d shown up in her office almost as soon as he was released from the infirmary demanding McKay be taken off his team but she refused.

“I can’t remove him from the team just because he’s gay.”

Surprised by her nonchalance, it struck him. “You knew.”

She nodded, “I’m in charge, Major. Of course I knew.”

“And you never saw fit to tell me,” he countered.

“Why should I? His and Dr. Beckett’s relationship is no different than any other on this base. As long as it doesn’t interfere with their duties than it shall remain none of my business.”

“See that’s what I’m saying. I can’t take a chance it will interfere. My team is at risk here.” Resting his elbows on her desk he leaned forward. “To be blunt, I can’t have him risking our lives if his attention is…somewhere else.” What he didn’t say was, if he’s looking at my ass, even though that was what he was thinking.

“Rodney has handled himself admirably up to this point considering he has had no military training to speak of.”

“Yeah well it sure explains a lot now that I know…I mean the way he reacts every time things get a little hairy. The way he…”

Elizabeth interrupted, her voice stern. “I think it’s best if you don’t finish that line of thought, Major.” Her tone left no room for argument, letting him know he was very close to stepping over the line. “I will NOT allow your prejudices to dictate this mission. Nor will I allow any of its members to suffer because of them. Dr. McKay has performed just fine up to this point and I can see no reason to justify his removal from your team. Do I make myself clear?”

John bristled, “Yes, ma’am.”

“I will speak with Rodney after he’s feeling better to find out if he wishes to remain on your team, Major. After the way you treated him on this last mission, he may not want to stay.”

John knew he was being reprimanded for his behavior and wisely took the subtle dressing down without comment. He’d tried to convince himself it was the pain that made him act as he had, but as commanding officer there was no excuse for ignoring McKay’s complaints. He was so used to Rodney’s complaining he hadn’t really taken the time to question the validity of his symptoms. He liked McKay, liked his sense of humor, his unwillingness to back down and in the time they’d been on Atlantis, he found himself making friends with the arrogant scientist…best friends even. Now he found himself wondering about McKay and it hurt.

Sadly, he no longer felt comfortable in Rodney’s presence, wondering if he would say or do something that could be misconstrued as more than friendship. He was pissed off that McKay had taken away the camaraderie they shared. How was he supposed to continue on pretending it didn’t exist? Pretending that Rodney wasn’t gay? The military had a no gay policy for a reason. How could you trust the soldiers at your back if you were constantly worried that it wasn’t your back they were watching? Besides McKay wasn’t even a soldier, the man could barely shoot a gun. He had no business being out in the field. There were just too many variables that could get a man killed and being gay was at the top of John Sheppard’s list. It had been bitten in the ass before. He wasn't going to let it happen again.

Chapter 4

Entering his room, Rodney threw his gear in the corner and sat down heavily on the bed, dropping his head in his hands. Carson watched from the desk and cleared his throat, “Bad day, then?”

Rodney’s head popped up, a warm smile gracing his face, “Carson. What are you doing here?”

“Oh, could be I missed you.” Getting to his feet, he moved to sit behind Rodney. His hands finding stiff muscles and he began a gentle massage.

Dropping his head to his chest, Rodney sighed, “That feels good.”

Carson’s thumbs kneaded the worst spots. “How bad was it this time?”

“Pretty much the same. The only time I warrant his attention is if he needs information or has the chance to poke fun at me. Otherwise, I’m invisible.” There was sadness in his voice and Carson was seriously rethinking his stand about Rodney staying with the team. It had been three months since Major Sheppard had found out about their relationship and he still wouldn’t talk to Rodney unless it was absolutely necessary. Gone was the friendship they once shared, replaced with a coolness that left Rodney feeling betrayed.

“Why don’t you lie down and I’ll give you a back rub?”

Rodney glanced at his watch then scrubbed his eyes tiredly, “I have a meeting in a couple hours. Zelenka wants to go over his latest calculations for the desalination plant.”

Pulling him back onto the bed, Carson rolled him to his stomach and continued to massage his back. “Time enough for a nap then. You’re not gettin’ enough sleep as it is.”

“Too much to do.” Yawning, Rodney felt his eyes closing against his will and he reached out for Carson, who settled next to him on the bed. Snuggling closer, Rodney mumbled, “I have to meet with Stackhouse in the morning… Ford promised me some time in the afternoon…” His voice drifted off and he muttered sleepily as he wrapped himself around Carson, “Wake me, will you.”

“Aye, go to sleep, luv.” Carson rubbed his fingers through Rodney’s short hair. He worried about all the effort his lover was making to trying to compensate for not having been trained for military expeditions. Early morning training sessions with Teyla, Ford, Stackhouse or on occasion the Athosians and late nights catching up on his own work were taking a toll on Rodney. The fact that he rarely mentioned his extra effort told Carson how much being a part of the team meant to him. Afraid of failing, he didn’t want anyone to know how badly he’d been trying to prevent doing just that.

************

Pojan, the Kinoban chief, shook his head. “I am sorry Major Sheppard, but you are no longer allowed to leave. By entering the warrior encampment you made a commitment to accept our help.”

“We’re leaving.” Sheppard stepped forward and a dozen weapons snapped up. Glaring sharply at the chief, he insisted loudly, “You can’t do this.”

They had come to the planet on a routine mission, using one of the gate addresses in the Ancient database. After arriving, McKay had gotten faint energy readings and they’d followed the signal until coming across the small settlement. It was inhabited by a race of warriors, but they assured Sheppard’s team they were friendly and welcomed them, even allowing them to explore the area. Pojan informed them that the Kinobans were committed to the fight against the Wraith and provided all warriors, even strangers, a chance to improve themselves. What he didn’t explain was the subtleties that were involved about said commitment.

“We are committed to our role, Major Sheppard. We cannot in good faith let you leave without doing our best to make your unit a better one. It is what we are here for. You said yourself that Dr. McKay is a liability to your team.”

“I never said that!” exclaimed Sheppard, ignoring the pointed stare from McKay.

The leader gave a small nod of acknowledgement, “No, you did not say it, but your thoughts are very clear to us. When we asked about your team’s strengths and weaknesses, we were able to access each of your minds to find the information that will aid us in our goal.”

Pojan wasn’t unsympathetic. This wasn’t the first time a group of individuals wandered into their encampment unaware, but their people were warriors. They’d devoted their lives to training those less capable than themselves. By doing so, they were contributing a service in the fight against the Wraith. ”Do not feel badly, Major Sheppard. Dr. McKay agrees with your assessment regarding his worth to this team.”

John gave Rodney an embarrassed look, which was ignored. Rodney looked around nervously, somehow knowing that he was the one on the hot seat, “So now what?” The resignation in his voice did nothing to assuage Sheppard’s guilt.

Pojan answered, “We will work with you for several days to determine which areas require work. Each day we will present you with a different aspect of training. If you pass we will move on to the next exercise.”

“And if I don’t pass?” Rodney tried his best to hide his rising panic.

“We will discuss this more when the time comes.” Motioning to two of his men, Pojan directed Rodney, “If you will go with them, they will help you prepare.”

After several tense moments, Teyla, Ford and Sheppard looked on helplessly as Rodney was lead away, all of them feeling responsible, none more so than Sheppard. He ignored the warriors guarding them and tried to follow McKay only to find his way blocked when two of them stepped in his path. There was no getting past the brawny warriors.

Looking over their shoulders, he called out, “You can do this, McKay. It’ll be a piece of cake.” It was only training and the Kinoban’s really didn’t make it sound too threatening. John figured maybe it would actually be good for McKay to improve on his field skills.

Rodney shook his head without looking back, “Seems I have little say in the matter, Major.”

Sheppard watched him leave and shrugged away from the guards, “Damn it.” He tried to rationalize the whole situation, trying to see if they could have prevented any of it, but all he could see was the hurt in McKay’s face at the realization of what his team, no… what John, thought of him. Looking into the faces of Teyla and Ford didn’t help any and he snapped at them, “Okay, so he’s not a soldier, how was I to know they’d pick my brain. It doesn’t mean I think he’s worthless to the team.”

“Perhaps not, Major, but you cannot deny that you have a problem with his presence on our team.”

Walking to the corner of the tent they’d been using since arriving, Sheppard sank onto the cot there. “It’s not that. I just don’t trust him to watch our backs. His mind wandering like it does, who knows what’s going through his head.” Neither Teyla nor Ford was convinced, and he added defensively, “What? He thought the same thing I did.”

Ford remained silent, deferring to his commanding officer for the time being. Teyla had no such problem speaking her mind. “I believe Dr. McKay thinks he is unworthy because that is how you see him. He has made every effort to be a part of this team and continues to improve.”

“Well he didn’t do so well with the Genii, did he?” huffed Sheppard, reminding them that McKay had buckled under the knife-welding Koyla. He was looking for excuses and he knew it.

“He gave you time, did he not? We do not know what took place that day. We cannot say that we would have done any differently than he did.”

John was about to say something more when Rodney returned, looking a little paler than when he’d left and wearing the native garb. Gone was his uniform and in its place were tight buckskin pants and fitted shirt common to the other warriors. Rodney was clearly uncomfortable in it and kept trying to pull the clingy material away from his skin, hoping to provide more room.

“Doesn’t leave much to the imagination, McKay. Maybe you can ask for a pair to take home, I’m sure Carson would love to see you in that,” goaded Sheppard.

Embarrassed, Rodney pointedly adjusted himself in the tight pants as he sneered at Sheppard. “It’s just as well it’s me and not you, Major. They’d probably hang on you.”

Teyla and Ford both snickered, but were cut short by a glare from the red-faced Major, “Funny, McKay. We’ll see who’s laughing at the end of the day.”

Pojan entered and interrupted their taunting. “Dr. McKay has been informed about what is expected and will allow you to watch as he goes through the training. I must warn you that any interference will result in a serious penalty.”

“So we just sit here and watch while he does all the work. That doesn’t sound like much in the way of teamwork,” said Sheppard.

Pojan smiled, “Not all the cohesiveness of a team is that which can be seen, Major.” Pointing towards the door, he beckoned them to follow. “Oh and Major, we have shut down our gate for the duration of the training. It is standard practice and is no reflection on you or your people. I hope you understand.”

“Well to be honest, Pojan, I don’t understand a damn thing about what you are doing or why.”

The leader spoke as they continued towards the training fields, “You will, Major. By the time you leave, things will be much clearer to all of you, and your team will be much better for the time you’ve spent here.”

“And just how long will that be?” asked Sheppard, his patience wearing thin.

“Approximately five days, Major. At the end of that time, should Dr. McKay perform accordingly, you will be free to go.”

Rodney tensed as the Kinoban leader spoke. He’d been informed of the rules, the exercises and the penalties, none of which set well with him. The only interaction he would have with his team for the next fives days would be at the end of the day. During the course of the day he would spend his time with his ‘trainers’.

Arriving in a large open field, Pojan led Teyla, Ford and Sheppard to a well defined area under one of the few trees in the area. “Should you try to interfere or leave this area, we will be forced to assign guards. The choice will be yours as to whether we treat you as honored guests or we confine you to your quarters.” He left them and joined Rodney in the middle of the field. They talked at length when suddenly McKay turned and took off at a dead run across the field.

He looked back several times, but after stumbling a couple of times, concentrated on where he was going and not where he’d been. At some distance from the field was a large cliff with scattered trees about its face. It was almost straight up and in places as high as 500 ft.

Pojan returned to the group, and the team watched Rodney run for several minutes before Sheppard asked out loud, “What’s the purpose of this, Pojan?”

“He has been given a two hour head start on the other warriors. If he makes it to the top before they reach him then he will have passed today’s test. If he does not, he will have to try again.”

Sheppard sighed in despair, “He’ll never make it.”

Ford spoke in McKay’s defense, “Don’t be so sure. He can run pretty fast when his adrenalin gets up there.”

“Yeah, but for how long?”

Sticking out his hand, Ford smiled, “Wanna bet he makes it?”

Slapping the offered hand, Sheppard smirked at him, “And what makes you so sure, Lieutenant?”

Ford blushed and remained silent. It was Teyla that answered, “Dr. McKay has been working out several times a week since his surgery.”

Major Sheppard raised a disbelieving eyebrow. “Working out?”

“I think he bribed Stackhouse and some of the others to help him,” said Ford.

“And why would they do that?” He had a hard time believing any of his men would willingly help McKay do anything. The man left no doubt as to how he felt about military men and wasn’t beneath telling them.

“He offered to enhance their computer games and set it up so they could play against each other from anywhere on the base,” offered Ford, suddenly very knowledgeable about what was going on behind his commander’s back.

Crossing his arms, Sheppard leaned into the tree, ducking around the foliage a bit to keep his eye on McKay. “So why didn’t I know about this?”

Teyla and Ford exchanged glances before she answered hesitantly, “I think Dr. McKay was afraid you would make fun of him.”

“I wouldn’t… Alright maybe I would have, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have helped him.”

“He has been very secretive about his desire to improve. I think he is afraid of failing in your eyes, Major. To be brought to task about it would only make it worse if he were to do so.”

John wasn’t feeling all that good about himself at the moment and he silently turned away from his teammates to watch McKay’s progress. The scientist was just now making it to the cliff face and it was still a long way up. He doubted McKay had much experience with rock climbing so the two hour head start was probably a good thing. The warriors most likely could scale the thing in their sleep. As much as he hated to see McKay fail, well maybe not… it would give him the excuse he needed to drop him from the team. He honestly didn’t think Rodney had it in him to endure any sort of prolonged physical activity. The man was a hopeless lab rat that hated anything that required sweating.

***********

McKay was bent over with his hands on his knees. Lungs burning, he was trying desperately to catch his breath. Sweat poured off him and his throat was already feeling parched from the long run. Taking only a few minutes, he scanned his immediate area for water, but seeing none, straightened up. Gripping the tightness in his lower back, he lifted his head, searching for a way up. Unfortunately there didn’t appear to be a trail that might indicate an easier route. Glancing behind him one more time to make sure he wasn’t being followed yet, he hurried forward and began to climb.

As much as he hated to admit it, the clothes the Kinoban’s had provided were more suited to climbing than his uniform would have been. The soft soled shoes allowed him to get his toes into places that his boots would never have found purchase. Looking down at himself and the tight fitting clothes, he laughed inwardly. Much to his chagrin, the major was right, Carson really would appreciate his latest look. . The two months of training had actually paid off and he no longer carried the added weight that lab work had gotten him.

His mind drifted as he moved his hands from one toehold to the next and he wondered, not for the first time, how he’d gotten into this mess. He knew he wasn’t a soldier, never aspired to be Joe macho and yet here he was trying to prove himself against a bunch of Conan wannabees. As much as he hated the whole idea, he found himself wanting to succeed. He really didn’t have a lot of choice. He either did it the first time or he’d be back here doing it again. His choices were limited. There wouldn’t be a third chance. Pojan had made that very clear. Two chances at each exercise. He didn’t want to dwell on the consequences if he failed.

Taking a minute to wipe his brow on his sleeve, he looked down and found his progress was slow. He wished they hadn’t taken his watch so he had some indication of how long he’d been at this. Best he could figure it had been less than an hour since he started and he was only about a quarter of the way up the rock wall. His fingers were sore and bleeding and his toes cramped from being wedged into places they were never meant to be.

Rock climbing was not one of his favorite pastimes and he remembered now why he hated it so much. On a side note, he was grateful that he’d gone the few times in college with his Geology friends and at least learned the basics. At the time, he’d been more interested in the rocks than the rock climbing but something must have soaked in.

His team had talked Pojan into retrieving their binoculars and all three were silently watching McKay make his ascent. Pojan was also watching and commented, “Your friend is doing well. Based on your perceptions I hadn’t anticipated this.” He laughed lightly, “Perhaps two hours was too much.”

“That is our friend out there. This may be a game to you, but I doubt very much if McKay is finding it all that funny right now.” said Sheppard, surprising himself in his defense of Rodney.

Pojan looked thoughtful, “You are a difficult man to see into, Major. You spend a great deal of your time trying to deny what you already know to be true.” Without waiting for a response he walked away, heading towards the warriors that stood waiting for his orders. As he approached, Pojan gave a hand signal and two warriors ran effortlessly across the field towards McKay. The old man did not rejoin the team, leaving Sheppard to wonder what kind of game Pojan was playing.

In less than five minutes the warriors were at the base of the cliff ready to make their ascent. Rodney had seen them coming across the field and he’d made the mistake of rushing his climb. Now he was hanging by a wrist he’d managed to wedge into a crevasse when he’d lost his grip and fallen several feet.

Exhausted beyond imagining, the pain in his wrist was the only thing pushing him to move again. Twisting his body, he blindly moved his foot until he found a toehold, and he lifted enough to take some of the pressure off his aching wrist. Salty sweat stung his eyes as he searched for a new handhold. Reaching up with his free hand, he found a jagged edge of rock but his fingers lost their grip and he slipped, jarring his wrist again. He bit back a moan and sucked air into his oxygen starved lungs before starting over. After several attempts to find foot and hand holds, he was able to free himself.

With his face rubbing against the rock wall, he tilted it back and looked above for a way up. He was still about a third of the way from the top and he could already hear his pursuers down below. Feeling put upon, he thought about just giving up but the idea of starting over was too much to even consider. Wiping his face as best he could on his shoulder, he started up again, mumbling about how soldiers were obviously dumber than his original estimate if they found this type of activity thrilling.

His fingers and hands were bleeding, making it even harder to find a stable handhold and his toes were so tender he was sure that walking would be impossible tomorrow. Face clenched tightly against the unrelenting throbbing in his hands and feet and the trembling of muscle in his arms and legs, he moved higher.

Time seemed to move as slowly as he was. Nearing the top, he could almost feel the warriors beneath him as he hurried to reach his freedom. He could almost reach up and touch the rim when a hand wrapped around his ankle, attempting to yank him down. Instinctively, he tightened his handhold and fought to free himself.

Desperation, anger and frustration were powerful emotions when one was on the verge of losing it, and Rodney lifted his free foot, slamming it hard into the face of the man below him. Suddenly free and adrenalin racing wildly through his exhausted and worn body, he scrambled up and over the top without even thinking about where his hands and feet were managing to find purchase. He lay in a heap at the top, gasping for air and letting the breeze cool his overheated body.

Down below the celebration was a little more exuberant. His fellow teammates had watched anxiously as the warriors got closer and closer to his position. When they saw the warrior grab McKay, a collective gasp was all that was heard. Sheppard gripped his binoculars tightly, muttering under his breath, “Come on, Rodney. Beat that son of a bitch.”

When Rodney freed himself and practically flew over the top of the rim, he would have been proud of the cheers from his teammates. Their celebration was short lived, because Pojan reappeared, insisting they return to their room. They immediately asked about McKay but were only told he would return later. Their only option was to wait patiently for him to be returned to them.

Chapter 5

Rodney appeared over an hour later. Without a word, he stumbled to one of the cots and sat down heavily. He held his hands carefully, not wanting to aggravate them any further. The Kinobans had cleaned him up and given him fresh clothes but whatever they’d put on his hands still burned fiercely. Spying the bucket of water near the small table in the center of the room, he rushed over, thrusting both hands in to stop the burn. Grimacing as the water hit all the scrapes and cuts, he gently washed away the harsh medicine. Up until then he’d ignored his teammates, but Sheppard’s voice cut through the silence.

“Geez, McKay, we gotta drink outta that!” Sheppard didn’t mean for it to come out sounding so sharp. He’d intended it to lighten some of tension in the room, but it had the opposite effect.

Glaring at him, Rodney purposely ducked his hands back under the water, sneering, “So sorry.”

As the sting began to ease, he pulled his hands back. Shaking away the excess water, he looked around for something to dry them on. Teyla was beside him, holding out a towel while Ford was rummaging through his pack for a first aid kit. Sheppard silently picked up the bucket, went to the door and handed it to their guards to change out.

Dabbing his hands dry, Rodney went back to the cot to lie down, his hands resting lightly on his chest. Ford spoke before he could even close his eyes, “Let Teyla look at your hands then you need to eat somethin’, Doc.”

His voice was heavy as he answered, “They fed me already. I just want to sleep.”

Teyla sat on the edge of his bed, reaching out for one of his hands. “Let me tend to these before you sleep. You don’t want them to get infected.”

“They’re fine, just a little sore. Please, I just want to sleep.” He rolled onto his side away from them, biting back a groan as his muscles complained. The thought of even moving tomorrow made him tense and he forced himself to relax. Not one to waste a lot of his time sleeping, it was all he could think of at the moment. He only hoped tomorrow wasn’t as difficult as today had been. Pojan mentioned weapons training, and although he was no marksman, he could at least get close to what he aimed at, enough that he might actually get through the day. He could hear whispering in the room, but his mind shut down and he fell into a deep sleep, oblivious to everything around him.

Sometime in the middle of the night Rodney woke up and fumbled with the thin blanket covering him. Every little movement was agony to his stiffening muscles and he groaned softly in the darkness as he sat up. Leaning over to rest his elbows on his knees, he rubbed at the back of his neck and realized his hands were bandaged. God, he’d been so tired he hadn’t even felt them do it. No doubt at Teyla’s insistence. Their ointment was a big improvement over the Kinoban medicine and his fingers and hands were more stiff than sore now.

Letting his eyes adjust to the dark, he was able to see the bucket had been replaced and he half stumbled towards the table. Reaching for his lower back, he arched into his hands and felt his back pop in several places. Straightening slowly, he set his hands on the table and dropped his head, as he sighed quietly, “That is so gonna hurt tomorrow.”

“McKay?” Rodney’s head shot up at the Major’s voice. He stood still, hoping Sheppard would go back to sleep. No such luck. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong, Major. I’m just getting a drink.” Memories surfaced and he couldn’t stop himself. “I’ll be sure to leave some.” He reached for the bucket of water and filling a cup, took several long drinks.

“Don’t be so pissy, McKay. I was just asking,” sighed John, his voice hushed so as not to wake the others.

“Well forgive me if I don’t jump at your concern, today was very enlightening for me.”

“Look, I’m sorry you have to go through this. I’d stop it if I could.”

Rodney doubted his sincerity. Up until today, he’d held out hope that maybe their friendship was salvageable and that John would come around. Up until today, he’d done everything in his power to prove he was worthy of the team. Up until today, he hadn’t realized that Sheppard thought so little of his abilities.

Weary, Rodney’s answer was a resigned, “Don’t bother with the platitudes, Major. I suppose I should have caught on sooner, but you know me, lonely geek, desperate for friends, held out ‘til it slapped him in the face. You can sleep well tonight knowing this is my last mission. I’ll have Elizabeth remove me from the team as soon as we get home.” He returned to his bed and regretted flopping down on the thin mattress when his aching body made contact. Wrapping his arms around himself he added, “Goodnight, Major.”

The room was eerily quiet until John whispered, “I’m sorry, I just don’t think you’re suited for the field.”

Rodney rolled over and looked at Sheppard, his voice low as he hissed, “At least be honest about it. You can’t stand that I’m gay. It has nothing to do with my capabilities in the field. If it did, you’d have gotten rid of me a long time ago. I never claimed to be a soldier. You knew that. It only became an issue when you realized that I might have some secret claim on your ass. Well don’t flatter yourself, Major, your reputation precedes you.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“It means that I’m not interested in someone that is trying to fuck their way across the galaxy.”

“Fuck you, McKay.”

“Snappy comeback, Major. I’ll have to write that one down. Now shut the fuck up so I can go to sleep.”

“Yeah, I hear you got a busy day tomorrow. I’m sure you’ll really impress them with your shooting skills. I wonder if they understand ‘broadside of a barn’?” Sheppard clenched his jaw, angry that he’d let McKay get to him again. Under normal circumstances his remarks wouldn’t have such a bite to them, but he just couldn’t seem to stop himself from antagonizing the man at every turn and he hated himself for it.

Tired and hurt by Sheppard’s comments, McKay rolled onto his side, muttering to himself, “I hope for your sake I can get through another day.” While Sheppard thought the whole thing was just some training exercise that might make him a better man, Rodney knew otherwise. If he didn’t pass each exercise, then his team would pay the price…with their lives.

The next morning Rodney was pulled from sleep before the dawn. By the time the sun had risen, he’d eaten and was being put through the paces with Kinoban’s weapons. The first phase was in the use of a bow and it wasn’t proving too difficult for Rodney. His first attempts were off, being unused to the power of the bow he’d been given, but after that it was just a matter of adjusting the trajectory for each distance and he was able to hit the target with some degree of accuracy.

It was an incredibly hot day and by midmorning, Rodney was feeling its affects. Red-faced and sweating he’d tried to ask for water several times, but was denied. The sun, the exertion and his hypoglycemia finally caught up with him and he stumbled, only barely catching himself before falling face first in the dirt. Sitting on his knees, a hand in the dirt to brace himself, he took in several deep breaths. Sweat dripped into his eyes and he swiped it way, leaving a dirt streak in its wake.

His whole body was trembling and he swallowed against the dryness in his throat as he spoke to one of the nameless warriors, “I need to eat something or I won’t be a damn bit of good to you.” When he remained motionless, Rodney shouted at him, “Look, I have a medical condition you moron. If I don’t eat, I die, surely even you can understand that.” The dust and effort set him coughing and wheezing.

The warrior grabbed him, pulling him to his feet, but a few steps later Rodney fell again, his legs too wobbly to hold him up. Pojan left him and walked slowly towards the team, who stood watching anxiously from the waiting area. All three began pleading as soon as he was in range, “He needs help.”

“He’s hypoglycemic, he needs to eat.”

“He needs water, the sun is killing him.”

Pojan raised his hand, silencing them. “What is this condition you speak of?”

Sheppard stepped forward, not taking his eyes off McKay as he spoke, “He has hypoglycemia. If he doesn’t eat his blood sugar goes down.”

Puzzled Pojan asked, “What does this mean?”

Frustrated, John started to answer, but Teyla cut him off, speaking calmly to the Kinoban leader. “He needs to eat in order to have the energy to function. If he does not eat regularly, especially when he is exerting himself, his body will eventually shut down and he will die.” Reaching into her pocket, Teyla pulled out a powerbar, “Please, let me take this to him and some water. It will help.”

Pojan nodded and Teyla was about to go to Rodney, when Sheppard pulled her back. “Wait!” Fumbling in his pocket he pulled out two chocolate bars. “Here, these’ll work faster.” Noticing her look of surprise, he shrugged, “I started carrying them, just in case.”

Teyla smiled and eyed him suspiciously, but said nothing. Instead she took the candy and a water flask to where McKay was sitting, his head buried between his knees. Dropping her hand to his shoulder, she got his attention. “Dr. McKay, I’ve brought you some chocolate.”

Lifting his head, Teyla was startled by how bad he looked and quickly unwrapped the bar and handed it to him. He took it in his trembling hands and ate it, barely taking the time to chew. “Thanks.” His color started to return as he ate the second bar and he pointed to the flask she was carrying. “Is that water?”

“Yes.” Uncapping it, she handed it too him. “Not too much at first.”

McKay nodded and let the first sips cool his parched throat before taking several long drinks. Teyla sat with him until the shaking stopped and noted he was looking better. “You are doing well, Rodney. I did not know you could shoot a bow.”

Smiling, he shrugged, “It was a common geek sport in school. Kept us from having to shower with the jocks.”

He handed her back the water but she pushed it back at him, “Take it, maybe they will let you keep it. You need to drink more. You do not look so well.”

“I’m not used to being out in the sun. Remind me to do the sunblock tomorrow.”

Teyla reached into her pocket and retrieved her own then quickly began applying it to his face and hands before anyone could say anything. It stung his sun burnt face, and he winced, “Ow…ow…ow…that hurts.”

“I know but it will keep it from getting any worse.” Finishing, she handed him the small tube along with the powerbar for later.

Rising to her feet, she helped him up. He was steadier and feeling much better after the food and water. “Thanks.”

Stepping forward, she rested her forehead to his in the Athosian custom. “Be well, Rodney. We will see you this evening.”

Rodney blushed slightly, but felt better knowing she was being so supportive of his efforts. She left him alone and he stuffed the items she’d passed along into the only pocket on his shirt. Without asking, he draped the water flask over his shoulder and glared at the warriors, daring them to take it away. When they didn’t, he sighed inwardly, not showing his relief that they hadn’t taken it. So far today, the sun and no water had been his worst enemies and having it made him feel more secure about being able to get through the day, that and the powerbar. Shading his eyes, he glanced up at the sun and figured lunch was still an hour away. Taking a deep breath, he trudged back to the target area and taking up his bow, finished what he started. The day progressed through a variety of weapons, including his own firearms.

For the second night in a row, Rodney stumbled into their tent and collapsed in a heap on the cot. Sheppard sat on his own cot eyeing McKay as Teyla and Ford got him water and rebandaged his hands. His fingers had taken a beating again from the bowstring and were even more red and raw than the day before.

“You gonna make it, McKay? You don’t look so hot,” said Sheppard, trying to keep his voice level so as not to show his concern. McKay ignored him and shifting on the small cot, promptly fell asleep.

Sheppard had to admit that he wasn’t expecting the man to do so well today. It was disconcerting to learn that his own second was responsible for improving McKay’s shooting skills to the point that he was actually impressed. Ford had finally confessed to working with the McKay after he’d come to him for help. The lieutenant had even grinned, telling him proudly, ‘You oughta see him launch a grenade. He’s got one helluva an arm.’

It was hard for Sheppard to see McKay in this new light and it shook him. The last thing he expected was for the scientist to actually take time away from his busy schedule to improve on his field skills. The fact that it meant enough to him to do so was more disturbing than anything else. It wore at his conscience even more that McKay was giving it all up at the end of this mission. It was all being thrown back in his face and he didn’t like it one bit. He’d convinced himself that McKay was a liability to the team and yet the last two days were proving otherwise. The fact that Teyla, Ford and some of his own men were able to see past the gay thing and he couldn’t, didn’t sit well with him at all. Sleep did not come easy and he tossed and turned for several hours, wishing like hell they’d never stepped foot on the planet.

Chapter 6

The next morning, Rodney woke to Teyla’s nudging. “It is time to rise, Doctor. They will be here soon.” Not a morning person, he sat up slowly and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He couldn’t stop the groan that accompanied his actions and he slumped into his hands, wincing at the soreness there. Doing a few contortions, he tried to ease some of the stiffness in his back, but the aching remained despite his efforts. He hoped that after a time it would go away as it had yesterday. The long days and constant physical activity was wearing him down and he’d never felt so tired in his life.

“What’s on the agenda today, McKay?” asked Sheppard, sitting off in the darkness of the room.

“What do you care, Major? You ought to be enjoying this. The perfect opportunity to see me screw up… justify your position. I’m sorry to disappoint you.”

“I wasn’t disappointed…surprised maybe.”

“I’ll bet.” Sarcasm dripped from McKay’s voice. The flap of the door opened signaling the start of his day and he added tersely, “If you’ll excuse me, Major. I have to go prove my testosterone levels are up to par with the military.”

Damn it if the man didn’t know where to hit and make it hurt. “Yeah, you do that, McKay.” He tried to be cynical, but it came off flat. Seeing McKay looking so run down had niggled at his conscience. Deep down he felt sorry for him, hated seeing him go through it all because he’d let his opinion get out. Scrubbing his hands through his hair he got up, knowing sleep would not come again.

***************

Rodney was stumbling through the brush, consulting his scanner at regular intervals. It had been a shock when Pojan had handed him the Ancient device earlier that morning and instructed him on the day’s exercise.

“You came to this planet looking for a power source, yes?”

“Well that was the initial reason. I detected a small energy source when we first arrived. Why?”

“I am not without compassion, Doctor. Today’s exercise was one in which you were to find your way to a predetermined point several miles from here and then find your way back. Since you are looking for a power source and we do not have need of such things, I will allow you to go for it.”

Rodney’s eyes lit up, but his enthusiasm was short lived when Pojan continued, “However, the same conditions will apply. You will have to be back here by tomorrow at this time and will be provided with only a knife. Any food or water will be up to you to find along the way. I am aware of your medical condition but the forest is where we harvest our food and you should have no problem if you are resourceful. I’ve provided you with the device so you may find the power source, but you will still have to find your way back to this camp by morning. If you arrive before than you should use the time to sleep. You will not be compensated for the lack of sleep should you arrive in the morning. ”

“Yes, yes…when can I start?” said Rodney impatiently. For the first time since arriving he actually had some enthusiasm and finding a power source they could use might make the whole thing worthwhile.

“After you have eaten you may begin.”

****************

Pojan explained the situation to the rest of the team, letting them know that Dr. McKay would be out of sight until his return. “Since there is little for you to do, I thought perhaps Teyla would like to visit our women’s encampment. It is a short distance away and she might find it interesting.”

“Teyla?” questioned Sheppard.

“I would very much like to see other ways in which they train.”

Ford was smiling and bouncing on his heels, “Maybe I should go along, Major. You know, keep an eye out on her.”

Sheppard snorted, “I doubt Teyla needs your assistance, and I would question where your eyes were, Lieutenant. The last thing we need is for you to do something that would offend these people.”

“It is quite alright, Major. Our women can take care of themselves. They would enjoy visiting with both of them,” said Pojan, shaking his head knowingly at the young man’s enthusiasm.

Hesitating a moment, Major Sheppard finally relented, “I suppose it’s better than sitting around here all day. Maybe I should come too.”

Pojan interrupted, “I was hoping you and I could talk today, Major.”

Eyeing him suspiciously, he asked, “About what?”

“I would like to learn more about your military and how you train your soldiers.”

“Yeah, sure. Okay, Teyla, you and Ford are on your own. Be back before dark.”

Motioning to one of his men, Pojan instructed him to guide their two visitors to the women’s camp. As soon as they were on their way the old man turned to the Major, “Let’s walk, shall we. It helps with these old bones.”

They walked for several minutes before Sheppard became impatient. “What is the real reason you wanted me alone today?”

“I thought we might discuss Dr. McKay.”

“I’d really rather not, unless you are willing to release him from this game of yours,” he said defensively, his eyes drifting towards the hills they’d taken McKay to earlier in the day.

Pojan shook his head. “No, I cannot do that. Things must proceed as they have. I wish to understand more about you and Dr. McKay. I think that you are friends and yet you are afraid of what your people will think if you show him this.”

“Well, yeah, sort of.” Sheppard followed Pojan around the camp, stopping to watch the various warriors on occasion. He continued to speak when Pojan remained silent, “Look, where we come from, and especially among soldiers, it’s not acceptable for two men to be in a relationship.”

“And yet some of your own men have stepped forward to support him when he asked for help in his efforts to please you. This does not make sense if your people do not like what he is doing.”

Sheppard stopped and asked, “See that right there. Why would he want to please me?”

“Perhaps he only wants what he once had.”

“And what would that be?”

“Your friendship, Major.”

Walking again, he huffed, “Well I can’t be friends with him anymore.”

Pojan cast him a sideways glance, clarifying his understanding. “Because you had such a close relationship before you are worried that others will take it wrong if you continue to show that same degree of companionship?”

“Yes, damn it!” John was embarrassed that the Kinoban leader could see through his charade.

Raising an eyebrow, Pojan asked curiously, “And yet you miss it?”

John hesitated and looked longingly towards the hills before answering sadly, “Yeah, I do.”

“Hmmm,” sighed the old man as he walked ahead of him.

Hurrying after, John grabbed his arm. “What does that mean? Hmmm?”

“Just hmmm, Major. Tomorrow…Tomorrow we will talk more.” Pojan walked away, leaving John to wonder who was actually being tested in this Kinoban ritual.

**********

Rodney stumbled for like the twentieth time and cursed the Kinobans, Sheppard, and the whole damn Pegasus galaxy as he brushed off his hands and reached for the artifact he’d dropped in the process. It looked like a box with no discernable markings and he had no idea what it was or how it worked. Only ten inches square, its small size was deceptive and when he’d originally picked it up, he found it weighed considerably more than he expected. It took him all morning just to locate it, trudging up and down hills, crossing streams and fighting bugs that wanted to suck the life out of him. Another hour was wasted removing the device from the ruins.

Taking a short break near one of the smaller streams, he took a long drink. Trying to recall some of the foods he’d eaten since arriving on this dismal planet, he looked around hoping to spot something familiar among the fauna. That morning he’d discovered a bush with the small fruit he’d seen at the table of the warriors but even picking it clean had only provided a meager meal at best. There were lots of grubs and crawling things but he wasn’t that desperate just yet.

Looking up the hill from where he sat, he sighed wearily. He was getting tired and if time weren’t such an issue he could have curled up and fallen asleep right where he was. His hands were a mess and his wrist ached. As he cleaned them in the cool water of the stream, he thought briefly about the number of alien bugs infesting his system. The wrist he’d jammed in the rocks the first day had taken a beating yesterday holding the bow and today’s lifting wasn’t helping. Grabbing the knife Pojan provided, he cut away his sleeve and using the material, made a makeshift wrap for his wrist. He tested it, moving his wrist at different angles and found it limited his mobility immensely. Proud of himself for thinking of it, he hoped it would alleviate some of the ache when he lifted the damn box again.

Starring up the hillside, knowing he’d have to get moving again, it occurred to him that he hadn’t paid much attention on the way to retrieve the device. He didn’t remember the hills being quite so steep or the streams quite so cold. Either that or he’d just been too preoccupied looking for the device. Now it all seemed alarmingly daunting and getting to his feet, he gripped the heavy box as he scanned for familiar landmarks. So far he’d managed to find his own trail back, thankful for his clumsiness on the way to the ruins when he found a broken branch or footprint that told him he was going in the right direction. He seriously considered using the scanner to chart the way out, but he feared Pojan would know and he’d have to do the day over. Not something he was willing to risk. So, he’d turned off the scanner and shoved it in his pocket so as not to be tempted.

He walked on through the afternoon, stopping only for water or an occasional snack if he recognized something familiar in one of the bushes or trees. He’d lost count of how many times he’d stumbled trying to hold the stupid box and walk at the same time. His hands and knees were scraped and sore and he really, really hated the Kinoban’s at the moment. How could a race survive under such pretenses? Training others my ass, it was a wonder the whole damn group hadn’t had their throats cut in their sleep for their superior attitude. Rodney kept going, occupying his mind with ways to seek vengeance against the Kinoban warriors.

With no more than an hour of daylight left, Rodney knew there was no chance of making it back before dark. He was soaked from the numerous streams and his clothes were torn in several places where he’d snagged a bush or twig. His arms ached from lugging the Ancient device but it was the only proof he had that he’d gone where he’d been sent and he refused to give it up.

As the sky darkened, he anxiously picked up his pace, wanting desperately to reach the last rise before full dark so he at least had the lights of camp to guide him. With the threat of darkness, he ran clumsily with the awkward weight of the artifact in his hands. He wanted to fling it into the bushes, preferring self-preservation over scientific discovery at this point. Fear kept him moving forward, the sounds around him increasing and seemingly drawing closer as darkness began to settle.

Topping the rise, his heart stopped momentarily as his eyes fell on the camp below, a more welcome site there never was. He trudged through the trees, barely able to see in the waning light, but his eyes had adjusted enough that he could make out the looming trees and thicker brush to avoid. His descent down the hill was almost haphazard, but when he stumbled into camp he almost shouted his relief.

Hurrying towards the finish area he practically threw the artifact at the lone warrior awaiting his return and smiled wearily, “Let’s go eat.” Fumbling with the device, the man shrugged his shoulders and followed after Rodney.

Ronik had been surprised to the outsider so soon and he wondered why Pojan was so keen on this particular group of visitors. It was uncommon to pick out a single member and concentrate solely on their weakness and yet this man was the only one enduring the training sessions. After three days in the field, he questioned his leaders’ reasoning, for clearly the man was not as inept as they first thought. While he wasn’t the best of warriors, he certainly wasn’t the worst and was holding his own in the field exercises. Perhaps Pojan knew something he didn’t. It wasn’t his place to question the elders. He stayed with the outsider, making sure he was cleaned up, given fresh clothes and fed before returning him to his teammates.

By the time they arrived at the sleeping quarters, the man was practically swaying on his feet and a gentle hand to his elbow kept him upright. When the man looked at him in surprise, Ronik merely nodded and released his hold, allowing him to enter his tent unaided. He stood outside for several moments but all he heard were a few muttered words, a thump and the soft sound of snoring. Hurrying away, he went in search of his friends, thinking he might find a game afoot if he was lucky.

Chapter 7

Rodney stood in the middle of the hot field, breathing hard as his sweat covered clothes clung to him and the dust rose around him. His eyes followed the movements of his opponent, waiting for him to make his move as they circled around each other looking for an opening. He held tight to what looked like a pugil-stick, but it had too little padding around the ends for Rodney’s liking. The heavy ends had caught him more than once already and he eyed his adversary cautiously, wishing Pojan would signal for a break. Three rounds. That was all he had to go. He been given a choice of weapons, all hand to hand, but none of them were anything he was familiar with, especially not to the degree where he could make an adequate defense.

His ribs and arms were sore and aching, no doubt bruised from the hits he’d taken. Suddenly his opponent advanced. Rodney parried the first two blows then dodged left to avoid the next. Not quick enough, the stick grazed his sore wrist. His hand couldn’t keep its grip and the weapon slipped from his grasp, leaving him wide open.

He saw it coming even as he reached out to retrieve the pugil-stick but it was too late. The air in his lungs was forcibly expelled with the blow to his exposed rib cage. Mouth open and gasping for air, he wrapped an arm around his ribs and tried to escape the next hit, but there was no way to avoid it. He was too close and too slow. He looked up in time to see it make contact with his head. With the sudden explosion of pain and a flash of light, his eyes rolled back in his head. He never felt the impact as he fell face first in the dirt.

Opening his eyes, he saw blue sky. His mind drifted and he was vaguely aware of garbled and distant voices. Hands grabbed for him and he felt himself being moved. The world around him shifted but his eyes refused to focus as three blurry shapes loomed into view.

Blinking several times, he tried to focus but his world tilted and he tipped sideways. More hands grabbed for him. “Come on, McKay. Let’s get you out of the sun for a bit.”

Rodney slurred, “’kay.”

Ford and Sheppard each grabbed an arm and hoisted it over a shoulder, steadying the swaying McKay. His eyes remained unfocused, blood dripping from the cut above his temple. They practically dragged him to their ‘holding pen’ where they settled him under the shade of the tree. Teyla knelt beside him, immediately tending to the injury on his head. Rodney pulled away sharply as the antiseptic bit into the wound, “OW!”

“We are only trying to help, Dr. McKay.”

Visibly shaken, Rodney’s eyes saddened as he drunkenly pushed her hand away, still a few cards shy of a full deck. Pulling up his knees, he rested his throbbing head there and said in a quiet voice, “Tired. Don’t wanna play any more.”

Sheppard’s jaw clenched as he looked at Teyla and Ford. “See if you can get him to lie down, I’m going to talk to Pojan.”

Pojan was in the field talking with several of his men when John approached. “Look, I’ve had about enough of this. It’s time to end this before he really gets hurt.”

“I am sorry, Major Sheppard, but you yourself consented to the conditions. He still has two more days.”

“And what if he doesn’t make it through today?” John said, angrily.

The old man raised an eyebrow. “You still have such little faith him?”

Taken aback, Sheppard said defensively, “It’s not that. I just don’t like seeing him hurt. There’s no point in this. He’s a scientist damn it, not a soldier.”

“Perhaps, but that does not negate our traditions. I have to admit that your team intrigues me, Major. Your Dr. McKay is a very interesting individual. You claim he is a liability to your team and yet he has performed our tests within a satisfactory range. He is also the only person that has been able to block us from reading his thoughts.”

“I thought you read his mind just like the rest of us.”

“Ah, well that was the first day. Since then he has managed to construct some sort of mental barrier against us. Only when his defenses are down have we been able to see into his mind.”

Sheppard smirked, “Good for him.” Crossing his arms over his chest he demanded, “Let him go.”

Shaking his head, Pojan remained adamant, “I cannot. There are still issues that need to be resolved.”

“So you just use him, let him take a beating to fulfill some warped desire by your people to make everyone live up to your standards.”

“It is much more than that, Major.”

“Well you know what? I’m not getting it!” exclaimed Sheppard.

Pojan’s men stepped closer at the Major’s shout, and the old man raised his hand to them as he spoke calmly, “I suggest you return to Dr. McKay. He has two hours and then we will begin again.”

John glared at him. “What if he doesn’t want to play your sick game anymore?”

Confident, Pojan answered, “He will.” Turning his back, he walked away, leaving John no choice but to return to his teammates.

********************

Rodney was leaning back against the tree with his eyes closed, trying hard to ignore his teammates as they paced nervously around him. Wrapping an arm around his aching ribs, he shifted his weight and got his feet under him. Teyla and Ford silently helped him up. He thanked them with a sheepish nod. Looking out into the field,Rodney dropped his head, no longer able to hide his exhaustion or weariness. He wore it like a coat that was suddenly too heavy to bear. Glancing up at his teammates, all he saw was pity in their eyes and he felt the heat rise in his face, embarrassed by their reaction to his weakness. Turning his back on them, he squared his shoulders and started out to the field.

Ford rushed after him, grabbing his arm and spinning him around before he’d taken two steps. “Wait. You said earlier you had a choice of weapons, right?’

McKay frowned, “There wasn’t much of a choice. It was more a like the lesser of two evils.”

Impatient, Major Sheppard asked, “What are you getting at, Ford?”

Pointing at Teyla, Ford suggested enthusiastically, “Give him your sticks. Let him use those.” He added with his boyish grin, “They did say he had a choice.”

Teyla was nodding, already handing her weapons to Rodney. “The worst they will say is no. At least this way you will be familiar with the weapon.”

“Come on, Doc. Take ‘em. You can kick ass with ‘em,” Ford smiled as he encouraged McKay.

Sheppard was growing more agitated the closer McKay’s time came to fight again. Not knowing he’d been training with Teyla, he said apprehensively, “Look, you can just refuse. What’s the worst they’ll do?”

Shaking his head, Rodney took the offered sticks and looked John right in the eye, “They’ll kill you.” He walked away from his stunned and speechless teammates.

Entering the ring, the warrior eyed his choice of weapons curiously then looked at Pojan for direction. Pojan nodded and the man shrugged his shoulders, taking up a defensive stance against his opponent. Rodney felt much more at ease with the sticks in his hands than he had the pugil-stick and that confidence showed in his posture. He blocked several hits and even managed to strike offensively a few times.

From a distance Sheppard watched the exchange and asked out loud without thinking, “Where the hell did he learn that?”

Teyla said proudly, “I have been working with him.”

“He’s…uh…um…not bad,” said John, astonished.

“He practices, Major,” replied Teyla with amusement.

Sheppard answered indignantly, “I practice!”

“Dr. McKay has been practicing since his surgery. He has been very dedicated.”

Sheppard frowned, his unease with being left out of the loop regarding McKay was unsettling. “Why didn’t he ever say anything to me? I mean…he’s gone to all this trouble to work out and he didn’t say a word.”

Ford continued to watch McKay, his body unconsciously moving in time with the fighters. “He made me promise not to say anything.”

Glancing towards Teyla, she too nodded. “He did not wish for you to know.”

The hurt that came with her statement surprised him. At one time he would have known everything McKay was up to. At one time he would have been the one McKay came to for help. At one time he was the one spending free time with his best friend. At one time he didn’t hate himself for being such an ass about his best friend’s sexual preference. It occurred to him as he watched Rodney duck and dodge his opponent, giving as good as he got, that he had misjudged him.

He was startled from his thoughts when Rodney went down hard. Without thinking he yelled across the field, “Get up, McKay! Don’t give up!”

Rodney scrambled to his feet and barely deflected another blow to his head. He was knocked down again a few minutes later and slowly got to his hands and knees as his opponent approached for the final strike. Sheppard was about to yell when Rodney’s hand shot up, stick in hand and struck the man as hard as he could between the legs. The man folded in on himself and crumbled to the ground moaning. Rodney shakily got to his feet and stood triumphant over the warrior. Pojan and several of the other warriors bowed their heads as Rodney staggered off the field to rest between rounds.

His teammates watched him leave, a lot worse for wear than when the day started. Ford turned to the others and asked tentatively, “You think he was serious?”

“About what?” Sheppard asked absently, his eyes trained on McKay’s retreating form.

“Them killing us if he didn’t do what they wanted.”

The thought of McKay being under such pressure to perform was disturbing. Four days of watching him toil in the hot sun under the pretext of making him a better warrior was one thing. To find out he was doing it to save their lives was humbling.

The day wore on for Rodney, each round becoming progressively harder to win. By the third triumph, he was holding his ribs tightly against the throbbing pain, wondering how he could possibly make it through tomorrow feeling as badly as he did. Entering the bath, he stripped away the sweat soaked clothes that clung to him, wincing as he pulled his shirt over his head. With a shaky hand, his fingers gently prodded the heavy bruising on his torso. Sucking in a sharp breath, he sat stiffly, breaking out in a sweat at the tenderness along his ribs. None felt broken and he could still breathe, but the soreness would only worsen with the dawn. For the first time since arriving on this stinking, maladjusted planet, Rodney wasn’t so sure he was going to make it through another day.

Chapter 8

Rodney was uncharacteristically quiet the next morning, but hurting as he was he wasn’t feeling very sociable. There was no mistaking the pain he was in or the weariness he was feeling, so the rest of his team left him alone after several attempts to help him. When Pojan arrived, Rodney wearily got to his feet and left without a word to any of them, even as his team tried to make a bid for his release.

Several guards slipped in front of the tent, barring any of them from following. Glancing back, Rodney questioned Pojan about their presence. “Why the heavy guard?”

“We do not wish them to interfere.”

This was certainly different from the previous days causing Rodney to wonder and worry about what was in store for the day. He looked at Pojan nervously, “What am I doing today?”

“You will be facing your fears today.”

Rodney swallowed hard. “Well, if it’s all the same to you, I’d rather skip that part. I’m rather partial to my fears.”

Pojan raised an eyebrow. “And yet this one fear is the one you hide the most from.”

“Sadly, you’re making no sense,” quipped Rodney, his mouth growing dry as Pojan led him to the far end of the field. Several warriors stood waiting, avoiding eye contact as they approached. Rodney’s eyes widened as they fell on the framework of wood and ropes nearby. He stopped cold, beads of sweat forming instantly on his brow. The terror started low in his stomach and he pleaded with Pojan, his voice raising an octave. “Look, haven’t I done enough, is this really necessary?”

The old man stepped aside as two warriors advanced on his command. Reaching Rodney, they gripped his arms tightly. As they squeezed his biceps, the pain of yesterday’s bruises intensified under their less than gentle grip. When he fought their hold, another warrior nudged him from behind, jarring his aching ribs. Rodney panicked, digging in his heels as they struggled to drag him forward. The warrior at his back pushed him again. When he faltered, they yanked him forward until he stood under the ropes.

As one warrior wrapped his arms around Rodney’s chest, pinning his arms to his sides, another secured padded leather straps to his wrists. Breathing heavily, Rodney was close to hyperventilating as fear gripped him. He rambled nervously, “NO! You don’t have to do this. I’m no good with torture. Ask Major Sheppard. You’re wasting your time. I can tell you right now I won’t last. I have a low tolerance for pain. Really. Surely we can do something else.”

His wrists secure, they attached the rope dangling above his head, pulling on it until he had to stand on the balls of his feet to maintain his balance. Pain shot through his sore wrist as the rope pulled on the tender limb. Using his good hand, he reached up with his fingers and grasped the rope, desperately yanking on it, trying to free himself. The rope held firm. Releasing his grip, he winced at the added weight on his bad wrist and the pull on his sore ribs. Terror gave way to anger as he glared at Pojan and his warriors. Sarcasm dripped from his voice as he pulled on the ropes again, his fingers dancing nervously even as he spoke, “Nice touch with the padded shackles. Can’t have ropes chafing your prisoner’s wrists as you’re beating them to death?”

“We have no desire to kill you, Dr. McKay. We only wish to give you a chance to prove yourself to your companions.” The old man stepped closer as he spoke thoughtfully to Rodney, “You question your bravery, do you not? Your strength of will?”

Glaring at Pojan, Rodney snapped, “Go to hell!” Turning his head, he used the sleeve of his outstretched arm to wipe away the sweat that was dripping in his eyes.

“Your test is a simple one today. You can either endure the punishment or allow my men to have Major Sheppard.”

“YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH!!” Pulling up on the ropes, Rodney lifted his feet, trying to kick at the old man, who was wisely backing away. Rodney was furious as he stretched to reach Pojan, accomplishing nothing more than using up energy.

Pojan let him vent until he calmed. Rodney sagged, his clothes drenched and his breathing heavy, as he listened to the old man explain. “The test is a simple one, Doctor. You either take your punishment or Major Sheppard does. You have shown us much these past few days. Major Sheppard, however, still believes you do not belong, but not for the right reasons I’m afraid. He is denying the one thing that made your team special.”

Rodney shook his head, his voice faint, detached, “Haven’t you seen enough? I’m not staying on the team anyway. What difference does all this make?”

“Perhaps none, but we would be remiss if we did not try to fix that which has been broken.”

Dropping his head to his chest, Rodney muttered under his breath, “I’m sure this will be really enlightening for them. Let’s watch McKay fall apart under torture. That should bring them around.” He lifted his head, his voice sharp as he added, “Oh and let’s not forget Major Sheppard. I’m sure he’ll be delighted to know he’s about to be fucked in the ass. That should go a long way in making me a solid member of his team.” His voice dropped, “Not that it matters.”

“That is where you are wrong, Dr. McKay. It does matter. We have encountered many warriors over the years. Some were in need of help, others were not. Your team is unusual in many regards and we have not handled it as well as we would have liked. You alone are an enigma to us. Your ability to block us most of the time has made it difficult for us to read your thoughts. You claim you are not a soldier and yet you have performed admirably in spite of this. We do not have scientists amongst us so your position on your team was unheard of to us.” Pojan dropped his head, closing his eyes a second before continuing. “We have realized too late that your team is something unique, something special. We are doing what we can to bring your team back together, and this…” The old man waved his hand towards the framework around Rodney, “is the only thing we could come up with that would force the issues your Major is dealing with.”

“It won’t change anything. He doesn’t want me on the team.”

“Perhaps.” Pojan motioned to one of the warriors, “I am truly sorry it has come to this, Dr. McKay, but it is necessary.” The warrior stepped closer with something resembling a whip in his hand, the end was made of a soft flayed leather. It hardly looked threatening but that didn’t negate the terror Rodney was feeling.

He frantically backed away but being tied as he was made it impossible. As the warrior stepped behind him, Rodney frantically swung his head around, keeping his eyes on the man. His heart was racing, pounding loudly in his chest as he made a final bid for his freedom. Trembling with fear, he wasn’t beneath begging, “God, don’t do this! How is my having the crap beat out of me going to prove anything?” The warrior pulled a knife and with one quick move he slit Rodney’s shirt, exposing his back.

“You may end it at any time. You can either accept the lashing or give up Major Sheppard to my warriors. The choice will be yours.” Pojan nodded towards the warrior. “You may begin. I must speak with the others.”

Rodney watched him walk away without so much as a backward glance. Terror gripped him. He’d never been so scared in his life, even the Wraith didn’t compare to this. They were going to whip him and he was completely helpless to stop it. His breathing was fast, his chest heaving as he braced himself for the first blow. When it finally came, he was unprepared. The soft leather spread out on contact, covering a large area of his back in a single blow. It stung sharply as the leather bit into his back, but it wasn’t as bad as he’d imagined. When the second strike came more than a minute later, he had to reevaluate that thought as he bit back a cry when the leather hit his already sensitive skin.

He gasped sharply as his head dropped between his outstretched arms, his face hiding none of his pain or desolation, “Oh fuck.”

********

Pojan returned to the tent, intent on speaking with Major Sheppard. His conscience weighed heavily upon him as he’d walked away from Dr. McKay. The man did not deserve the treatment he’d received but it was too late to back out now. Pojan and the other elders had been misled by original perceptions, thinking it was Dr. McKay’s abilities that were in question. After four days of testing, they realized their error and after much consideration, dug deeper into the minds of their visitors to find the truth. They were not happy with what they found. As a result, today’s test had been changed to accommodate the change in circumstances.

The Elders had discussed for hours the implications of their actions, but none could see their way clear to simply allow their visitors to leave. Over the past four days, they’d caught glimpses of the potential this team of warriors possessed and it humbled them. If they were to release themselves of their obligation now, then their work would cause more harm than good. In a last ditch effort, they voted to try and help this team reestablish what once was.

With a heavy sigh, Pojan pulled aside the tent flap to face three anxious teammates. Major Sheppard rushed forward. “What the hell is going on? Why won’t they let us leave to see McKay?”

“We have our reasons,” said Pojan, still not entirely sure this new approach would work. “I will allow you to see him when we have finished talking.”

Sheppard gave him a hard glare, “We don’t want to talk. We want to see Rodney!”

Pojan shrugged, “Nonetheless, we will talk.”

Chapter 9

Ignoring the Major’s demands, the old man limped to one of the cots and sat down. “I am curious, Major. Why do you feel as you do?”

The man’s bluntness took away John’s steam and he stared at Pojan, confused. “About what?”

“About Dr. McKay.”

John was decidedly uncomfortable with the question. Teyla and Ford had their own looks of surprise at the sudden turn of events, which did nothing to ease his discomfort. He tried to change the subject, “Look, you said today was the last day. How long before we can leave?”

“When today’s exercise is over, you will be free to leave. However, that is still some time away.” He gestured to the other cots. “Please, have a seat so that we may talk.”

Teyla and Ford moved to sit, but John refused, his gaze never leaving Pojan’s. Eyeing the Major, Teyla stepped beside him, placing a gentle hand on his arm. “Perhaps if we listen to what he has to say we will be allowed to see Dr. McKay sooner.”

He hated when she right. Giving Pojan a seething glare, he plopped down on one of the cots. With his back to the wall, he pulled up one knee, resting his arm as he glowered at the Kinoban leader. “So talk.”

Pojan nodded, then stated pointedly, “We were misled by your perception of Dr. McKay’s abilities. We have learned many things from all of you but we are still confused by your lack of trust in him.”

Teyla raised an eyebrow, “Trust?”

Tilting his head, Pojan appeared to be thinking. “Maybe trust is not the word I am looking for, but it is the closest, I believe. I will try to explain what we know of Dr. McKay. Correct me if I am wrong in my assumptions.” He looked at Teyla first. “You, Teyla Emmagen are the most accepting and yet you only recently made any effort to get to know him, when he came to you for help.” Teyla couldn’t deny it, and acknowledged his statement with a nod. Pojan continued, “Your people are warriors like mine and you place a great deal of pride in your abilities. Until Dr. McKay showed interest in your skills you thought little about him. Is that correct?”

“I did not think less of him,” said Teyla, feeling defensive.

“Hmmm. When others questioned your loyalty, accused you of spying for the Wraith, Dr. McKay defended you. It was with great displeasure that he had to go through your personal items to find the device that was responsible. Even having only known you a short time, he had already placed his trust in you.”

Teyla hung her head, “I did not know this.” It was disheartening to learn that Dr. McKay had believed in her so early on and it had taken her months to understand him. It wasn’t that she disliked him or even that she didn’t think he belonged on the team. Quite the contrary. As annoying as he could be, Teyla knew his importance and even though she didn’t seek him out, she came to respect him for his worth to the team. After she began training with him she found he had a dedication unrivaled amongst the Atlantians. Not only did he train with her, but he spent countless hours of his own time bettering himself. As with everything, he gave 110 percent.

“All of you seem to find it hard to accept Dr. McKay’s worth as a scientist. Although that term is new to us, we find his intelligence and thoughts rather intriguing. We have never encountered one such as him and we would like to understand more. We are curious as to why the three of you would disregard his value.” Seeing their confusion, Pojan frowned. Looking at Ford, he questioned the young soldier, “You find the Doctor arrogant and condescending at times, do you not?”

“Well yeah, sometimes, but that’s just McKay. He’s always going on about something, his allergies, his low blood sugar, how smart he is.”

“But these things are all true, are they not?” Pojan was genuinely curious and confused about their reactions to McKay.

Ford shrugged, “Yeah, I guess. It just gets old after awhile.”

“Hmmm. Perhaps if you took them more seriously he would not feel the need to remind you of them.” Pojan knew he’d been correct, judging by the sheepish looks on all their faces but it was Ford he addressed, “He seems to irritate you, Lieutenant, and yet you helped him when he asked about weapons.”

“I figured he could use all the help he could get,” said Ford, shrugging indifferently.

“Because he is a scientist and not a soldier?”

“He asked and I helped him. I thought I was doing the right thing.” Ford shifted, not sure why he suddenly felt guilty about it all.

“No doubt you were, but did you wonder why he wished to learn all of a sudden?”

“I just figured he was afraid of losing his spot on the team. I really like him, alright! Even if he is a pain in the ass, I’d hate to see him leave. He’s saved our hides more than once.” He looked at the major and smiled weakly, feeling as though he’d betrayed his commanding officer, “Sorry, Sir.”

Ford hadn’t liked keeping his commanding officer in the dark, but McKay had been very insistent about it and after the first couple of sessions actually found himself looking forward to the time spent with the scientist. The snark and uncomplimentary military jibes were still there, but Ford realized that it was done in fun and began to poke back at the scientists in much the same way as they worked on McKay’s marksmanship. The Doctor never complained about the early hours or the repetitiveness of the exercises and Ford learned all about trajectory, velocity and anything else remotely related to guns and science as they practiced together. Although he would never have admitted it, he liked McKay’s enthusiasm and dedication.

Pojan looked puzzled. “So these teams you send to other worlds, do they take scientists with them as well?”

“Some do. It depends on the mission,” Sheppard clarified, his voice tinged with annoyance.

“So scientists are part of the teams, but they are not really accepted as team members because they are not soldiers. Is this correct?”

“No, our scientists go along because they have to collect data, check out some new discovery or help with translations.”

“But you are soldiers and they are not, so there is a certain lack of respect for their expertise.” He glanced thoughtfully at Teyla and then Ford. “Is it not true that neither of you really took the time to get to know Dr. McKay until he took an interest in being a soldier?”

Teyla blinked several times as her mind grasped what was being said and it hit her suddenly that she had indeed placed herself above Dr. McKay. It was only after several training sessions that she realized he was very knowledgeable about many things, including topics that could actually benefit her people on the mainland. As they’d worked out, he’d explained improvements that could be made. It saddened her now to think that she had ignored his intelligence because they didn’t share the same values. He’d always treated her with the utmost respect, but had never aspired to be a soldier until he felt he had no choice. A quick glance at Pojan confirmed her suspicions. The man had made his point. None of them had given Dr. McKay any real respect until he’d entered their world and began training.

Ford’s only response was a soft, “Yeah.” He’d come to the same conclusions as Teyla.

There was no faulting the Major for his treatment of Rodney as a scientist. The two had been drawn together from the start and had become friends very easily despite the banter that said otherwise. Impatient, Sheppard interrupted, “While I’m sure this group therapy is a wonderful concept in less pressing times, can you please get to the point so we can get to Rodney.”

“I find it interesting that you show so much concern for him, Major.”

Crossing his arms, the major looked at him defiantly, “Well I do. Can we just go now?”

Pojan shook his head with a curt reply. “No.”

“Why the hell not?”

“I still have questions for you,” said Pojan, not taking his eyes off of Sheppard.

Pointing to his chest, John asked, “Me?”

“Yes you, Major. From my understanding, you wish Dr. McKay off your team because he has a fondness for men?” Pojan offered it more as a question, not really understanding the problem. His people did not have many restrictions on relationships. Because they had separate training areas for men and women it was sometimes easier if warriors found a mate of the same gender.

Shocked at Pojan’s bluntness, John stammered, “It’s not that!”

Pojan actually chuckled, “You cannot hide your thoughts from me, Major. I am curious as to why you think Dr. McKay is a liability because of this. He seems very dedicated to his mate and has not let it interfere with his performance. Is there something I am missing?”

John’s eyes burned furiously into the old man, knowing full well he knew the truth, and resenting the intrusion on his mind, as well as his teammates. It rankled him more that the son of a bitch was pushing him to speak it openly. He growled, “This is none of your business, Pojan. Leave it alone.”

“I am sorry, Major, but I cannot. You are blaming your friend because of something that happened years ago.”

Ignoring Ford and Teyla’s curious looks, John snapped at Pojan, “Shut up. Just shut the fuck up about it.”

“I cannot. You claimed it was Dr. McKay’s abilities that were in question. This is not the case is it? It is your own past that clouds your judgment.”

Sitting on the cot, John shook his head trying to ignore the images that came unbidden into his mind. The flood of memories took him back to his days in Afghanistan, zoning out everyone else in the room. It came in bits and pieces, long since buried to make it harder to remember. It wasn’t something he’d wanted to dredge up again, but finding out Rodney was gay, was too much like the first time. He thought that if he could change it this time around it wouldn’t end up like the last time. Unfortunately, he’d only made things worse.

Mike had been his best friend. They’d gone through training together. Shipped overseas at the same time, they ended up on the same base and still saw each other from time to time when their missions didn’t overlap. John knew Mike was gay but since they didn’t actually serve together, he hadn’t made a big deal about it. He wasn’t homophobic. Mike knew he wasn’t interested so it hadn’t been an issue. He figured it was someone else’s problem, not his. That was until he caught Mike making out with another soldier while he was supposed to be on duty. Being of a higher rank, the first thing John should have done was turn the two men in. Instead he’d let Mike talk him into forgetting the whole incident, swearing it would never happen again.

Two weeks later he ignored his commanding officers orders and flew into enemy territory on a rescue mission. Mike’s unit had been captured and John did the only thing he could. He disobeyed orders and went for his friend, only to find out later that the reason they’d been captured in the first place was because Mike and another soldier were distracted while on guard duty. It was a hard lesson, one he never forgot. Mike and four other men didn’t make it home because he’d been blind to his own friend’s weakness.

He received a black mark on his records and was sent to McMurdo where he listened to whispers about his sexual orientation behind his back. He’d been cornered and beaten a couple of times because of it and it wasn’t something he wanted to go through again. All because he thought it didn’t matter that his friend was gay. Well it did matter and it would never happen again as far as Sheppard was concerned.

Teyla’s voice dragged him back, “Major Sheppard, are you alright?”

Blinking a few times he nodded, “Yeah, I’m fine. Just thinking.”

Pojan was not to be ignored, “Why are you so opposed to Dr. McKay being a part of your team? After witnessing his performance the last few days, he clearly does not present the liability you originally conveyed in your thoughts.”

There was no arguing that McKay had done well. John had actually been impressed. Knowing that, there was no way he could fault McKay’s abilities in the field nor use it as an excuse to dismiss him from the team. Pojan was digging deeper for answers and John didn’t want to go there. “What is it you want from me?”

“Only the truth, Major.”

John shouted at Pojan, “You already know the truth! You don’t need me to tell it to you. McKay likes men. In our military, that’s not acceptable. It only leads to trouble.”

Genuinely confused, Pojan asked “I do not understand. How does that affect his place on your team? Has he acted inappropriately during a mission?”

Feeling cornered, John snapped back, “Not yet, but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen. I can’t be wondering if he’s keeping his attention on what’s going around him.”

Pojan’s brow furrowed with a tilt of his head. “And yet you do not have a problem working with Teyla. Is it not the same thing?” Looking at Ford and then John, he added, “Neither of you seem to let her presence interfere with your duties. Why should your presence affect Dr. McKay’s? Is he not bound to someone else?”

“Yes, but…” John stopped. He had no response. It had never occurred to him to compare Rodney to Teyla. He’d taken Teyla’s presence for granted. Hey, she was beautiful and all, but he had long since gotten over any lustful feelings for her. Not to mention she would kick his ass if he ever tried anything.

John shook his head as he came to the realization that he’d fucked up. He’d let his past haunt his present and Rodney had paid the price. Since discovering McKay’s secret, he’d done everything possible to push him away. Now that he’d fully succeeded in doing just that, he hated himself. Worse, his own stupidity had put Rodney through hell. Sadly, he might never be able to fix what he was so sure had been the right thing to do at the time.

*************

His hands clenched tightly as he tensed for the next blow. Nothing stopped the pain when it came and each strike on his back was worse than the one before. Sweat dripped from every pore on his body as the whip came down and he bit his lip to keep quiet. He was thankful that Pojan had kept the others away. Having witnesses to his eventual humiliation was more than he could bear. Biting his lip to keep from crying out, he still couldn’t stop the grunt of pain with each strike. He wanted it to end, thought about screaming for them to stop, but he held on, unbidden tears stinging his eyes.

Periodically they would stop, either to torment him with the anticipation of waiting or to let him recover enough so he wasn’t on the verge of passing out, he wasn’t sure. In his moments of reprieve he was conscious of the heaviness in his arms. The pins and needles had disappeared, leaving behind an uncomfortable numbness. His wrist still throbbed, but it seemed a distant pain compared to the fire in his back.

He hated them all in those long moments between lashes. Everyone that was making him do this. Making him become someone he wasn’t. Even Teyla and Ford weren’t spared when the pain made him irrational. Oh sure, they’d supported his efforts to get better, but it occurred to him, as he hung by the ropes, that they were as much to blame as Sheppard. They’d been genuinely pleased to help him train. They too felt he could better himself by learning the skills of a soldier, as if he wasn’t good enough being just who he was. It wasn’t enough to be just a scientist. He’d only gained their respect by entering their world of fighting, guns and sweat.

Only it wasn’t enough, it would never be enough. He’d spent the last four days trying to prove himself and it didn’t matter. There was no team any more. He wasn’t a part of a team. He was an outsider, trying desperately to hang onto something that could never be. He was an interloper in their little warrior circle.

The whip caught him off guard, tearing a sob from him as the pain renewed itself. He could feel something trickling down his back and couldn’t tell if it was sweat or blood. The salty trickles stung in the cuts adding to the pain, if that was possible. It was getting harder to stay upright, his legs shaking with the effort, but dropping his weight only intensified the pain in his wrist and he forced himself to stay on his feet. At some point, the whipping stopped long enough for one of the warriors to give him a drink. Shocked, it took him several seconds to realize they weren’t taunting him and were actually going to let him drink.

Through pain glazed eyes, his face red and clenched tight, he drank greedily, offering a small nod of thanks. The warrior looked sympathetic as he helped him drink, but it disappeared as he took up the whip to continue. Even as much as it hurt and Rodney wanted it to stop, he couldn’t make himself end it. That would mean giving up Major Sheppard to these barbarians. While John might survive the humiliation, there was no way Rodney would. It was enough to know John hated him. If he were ever to find out Rodney could have prevented it but had given up because of a little torture, well….that would be unforgivable.

He couldn’t give in, couldn’t buckle under the agonizing pain of the whip against his back. Ducking his head, his back tensed for the next strike, he bit down on his lip, drawing blood. It was the only way to keep from screaming for it to stop.

**************

Sitting quietly for several moments, Pojan finally spoke again, “For the last four days Dr. McKay has given all that he has to keep each of you alive.” Noting their surprise, he answered their unspoken question, “We used it as a means to keep him focused. The exercises are hard enough without having to repeat them. My point is this; he has fought to keep you alive, to keep you safe. He went to the trouble of asking you for help when he thought he needed it. Why? Because he placed his trust in each of you and wanted you to be able to do the same.” He looked at the solemn faces before him and spoke softly, “If you can honestly say that you trust Dr. McKay with your lives than we have done what we set out to do. If not, then perhaps the answer lies within yourselves, not Dr. McKay.”

As Pojan turned to leave, Sheppard grabbed for him, “Hey, you said you’d let us out after we talked. Well we talked, now take us to Rodney.”

The old man nodded, “As you wish. However, I must warn you that today’s exercise is not a pleasant one. It is a test of will. Dr. McKay was given a choice. He chose not to give in to what we asked of him and therefore had to accept the consequences.”

Two of Pojan’s warriors stepped up to flank him when Sheppard, Teyla and Ford all tried to advance on him. They stopped short when spears were thrust towards them. Pojan quickly finished his explanation, “He can stop it at any time, but chooses not to.”

Sheppard and the others anxiously followed after Pojan as he left the tent. “What do you want from him?”

Pojan shook his head without looking back, “That is not for me to say. We choose something personal for each participant. If Dr. McKay wants you to know what it is he fights for then that will be up to him.”

“What would be the purpose of such an exercise?” asked Teyla.

“You will have to decide that for yourselves. Please follow me.”

Weaving their way around several tents they came upon the open field. Sheppard spotted him first and yelled as he took off running, “RODNEY!!”

Chapter 10

He was beyond caring anymore. Hanging limply by his aching, yet oddly numb arms, he only had the strength to twitch when the whip came down on his back. His mind had found an almost peaceful place as the pain went on without him. Time ceased to have much meaning, his body measuring the passage of time by the strokes on his back. One…two… His tormentor would change the rhythm or would stop for a while, enough to let him catch his breath and lose count between strokes. It was impossible to keep track of the number of times he’d felt the leather on his back. Sometimes it was a minute other times two between lashes. Time ticked by without him.

“RODNEY!” shouted Sheppard, struggling in the arms of two warriors as he tried to get closer. They held him back as he fought with all his strength, but the hands on him resisted his efforts. Lurching forward, he was suddenly released and stumbled to his knees at the unexpectedness of it.

Glancing back at the two men, they stood at attention, making no further attempts to restrain him. Ford and Teyla rushed to Sheppard’s side, pulling him to his feet. He shrugged them off, scrambling forward towards McKay. Forced to stop a few feet away by more warriors, he watched in horror as the whip came down on Rodney’s back. The man barely moved, sagging against the ropes as his wrists took all the weight of his slack frame. Beneath wide leather straps the skin was red and raw and his fingers bled from older wounds, damaged again by his struggles.

All three teammates stood speechless, their faces pale as they took in Rodney’s battered frame. His shirt shredded, the bruises from previous days stood out on his arms and body. The whip struck again and all three startled, a collective gasp following their shock. Sheppard called out softly to him, “Rodney. Can you hear me?”

Getting no response, they tried to rouse him. John moved around the warriors, but stopped in his tracks as his eyes fell on Rodney’s back. It was a mass of welts, cuts and blood, swollen and raw. He felt his stomach lurch at the sight and swallowed back the threatening bile. Teyla paled and turned away. It was too much for the young Ford, “Aw geez.” He looked at Sheppard, his eyes pleading, “We gotta do something, Sir.”

The Major’s eyes were hard, his teeth clenched tight as he stormed over to where Pojan stood. He ignored the warriors around him, violating Pojan’s personal space as he shouted, “Get him down! NOW!”

Pojan calmly shook his head, “I cannot. It must be his choice.”

“Screw that! I want him down, now!” exclaimed Sheppard, his eyes darting back to Rodney. Teyla was standing as close as the warriors would allow, speaking softly to him, but there still was no response. Sheppard paced a few feet one way, then the other, gesturing wildly towards McKay as he yelled at Pojan. “He’s doesn’t even know why he’s there any more. You’re wasting your time. Let us help him.”

“I will let you speak to him, but nothing else.” Pojan called off the warriors and they stepped away.

Turning on his heels, Sheppard rushed back to Rodney, “Wake up, Rodney! Come on. Show us you’re in there!” Teyla and Ford both joined in, their voices getting louder, hoping to pull Rodney from wherever he was.

*******************

Voices drifted into his consciousness, trying to pull him from his pleasant wandering, bringing the pain with them. He ignored them, hoping the pain would stay away, the all consuming, excruciating fire that burned over every nerve in his back, demanding attention. He whimpered above the screaming in his head, “Please go away.”

The pain got louder as the voices formed images in his mind. As the faces became clearer, he drifted further and further from his comfort zone, the agonizing pain pulling him away faster and faster until there was no going back. The voices took away his only hope.

Rodney stirred, his head lifting a few inches. His face was marred with sweat and tears, his eyes unfocused and glazed with pain as he tried to move. John situated himself as close as the guards would allow, staying just outside the invisible barrier their presence had erected. “Rodney, you need to wake up. Tell ‘em it’s over.”

With a bare shake of his head, Rodney muttered, “Can’t. Gotta do this.”

“Damn it, McKay. You don’t have to do this. Whatever it is they want from you is not worth it.”

Rodney shifted, moving to get his feet under him again and take the strain off his hands. Moaning with the effort, he cried out softly. It was more a whimper than anything, the pain obvious from the way he was sweating and the grimace on his face. It took all his concentration to stay on his feet, panting loudly at the renewed pain in his back. He raised his head just enough to lift his eyes to the Major. His voice was quiet but hard as he spoke, “I won’t quit. Not… this… time.”

John paled, Rodney’s words stinging. “This is different. Nothing is worth this, McKay! Don’t be so damn stubborn.”

Taking as deep a breath as his body would allow, Rodney tried to shout back but it came out more of a rasp, “Go away!” Their presence was not making this any easier. Every time he gasped for air or moaned he felt their eyes on him, feeling sorry for him. He was sure they thought he couldn’t do this, especially after the incident with the Genii.

That had been different. He’d had no choice then. It was either tell the Genii the plan to save the city or let it be destroyed by the storm. At the time, the Genii were their only hope of saving Atlantis. If they hadn’t known about the grounding stations, they never would have gotten the shield up in time. Rodney had simply used them to carry out the original plan, hoping Major Sheppard could do something before the Genii had a chance to gain the upper hand. He never bothered explaining when they hadn’t taken his injury seriously. Thank god for Carson. The doctor had stitched the wound and made sure it stayed clean, never stressing the severity of it to anyone. It was kept between the two of them.

“Stop this, Rodney. You don’t have to do this to prove anything. The Genii…” John paused, not sure what to say. He’d thought McKay had given in then and yet here he was trying to convince him it didn’t matter. When he looked at Rodney, he could see the truth in his eyes. Even through the pain, John realized it did matter.

Rodney’s eyes closed as he dropped his head, his voice a mere whisper, “Just go away…please.”

Frustrated and angry, John ignored the guards and burst forward to stand directly in front of McKay. The guards moved to intercept him, but a silent gesture from Pojan stopped them and they stepped away, still vigilant. Teyla and Ford flanked Sheppard but maintained enough distance so as not to crowd McKay. Sheppard got right in Rodney’s face, wanting more than anything to grab him and shake some sense into him. “You can stop this, McKay. Just give them what they want. Whatever it is we’ll help, alright? You don’t have to do this.”

As Rodney lifted his head to say something the whip lashed out, taking his breath away along with anything he was about to say. John could no longer restrain himself and grabbing Rodney by the shirt, shouted desperately, “Stop this! Make them stop!”

Hurt by John’s harsh treatment, Rodney shouted back, “I can’t!”

“Why the hell not?” Sheppard’s eyes glistened with emotion as he pleaded, “Nothing is worth this, Rodney. They are gonna kill you!”

John stared at Rodney, unwilling to look away. He watched as tears gathered in Rodney’s eyes and he uttered with despair, “They want to rape you, Major.”

Releasing his grip on McKay, John backed away as if he’d been stung then fell to his knees, his shoulders slumping in defeat. There was an eerie silence, all eyes on Sheppard as he knelt in the dirt, his hands gripping his thighs in a white knuckled grip. When he finally got to his feet, it wasn’t Rodney he was looking at, it was Pojan. “You bastard. You can stop this.”

Rodney watched John step back, watched him fall, watched him speak to the Kinoban leader. Pojan shook his head, answering “It is not for me to decide.”

Something about the tone in his voice caught Rodney’s attention and he looked at the old man as he spoke to the Major. He saw it… for only a fraction of a second but he saw it and his mind tried to catch up. Pojan’s words were not meant for him. This would not be decided by him, this would be decided by Sheppard. Pojan was waiting for Sheppard to do something, Rodney could see it in the leader’s eyes. He just didn’t know what it was.

John stomped up to the leader, his face hard and determined, hiding all else. He glared at the old man and growled, “Let him go. I’ll do whatever you want.”

Rodney exploded, shouting angrily, “No! You can’t do this!” As Pojan handed John a knife, Rodney tugged on his restraints, ignoring the added pain it was causing. Rodney pulled away frantically as John approached. His breathing was ragged and harsh as he ground out, “Stay the fuck away from me. Don’t be pulling your Captain Kirk crap on me.” John continued towards him and Rodney’s voice changed to desperate pleading, “Oh god, please don’t do this.”

Ignoring Rodney’s tirade, John motioned for Teyla and Ford. “Hold him up while I cut him down.”

As they wrapped their arms around his waist, all the fight went out of Rodney. He no longer had any strength to fight the inevitable. He’d done what he could, fought for as long as he could and they’d taken it away from him. Decided for him. But he was the one that would have to live with the consequences. He was the one that would have to look Sheppard in the eye when it was over and know that the look he saw there was his fault. His head down in defeat, Rodney muttered incoherently as John reached over his head to cut the ropes. John only caught a few words, but the despair was unmistakable.

Chapter 11

With the ropes cut, Rodney slumped into the arms of his teammates, unable to hold himself up against the onslaught of pain and the heaviness in his limbs. His arms felt like dead weight and flopped uselessly as he was lowered to the ground. Everything lost focus and voices blurred, all he could feel the agonizing pain in his back. If that wasn’t enough, the blood was returning to his arms and with it came the sharp pins and needles of his circulation returning.

Curling inward, he tried to protect himself from the pain put nothing worked. It seemed to radiate from every nerve ending. Sweat covered, he blinked away the salty drips that ran into his eyes, stinging and adding to his tears. He didn’t want to cry, didn’t want anyone to see his weakness. Blindly pushing away the hands that tried to help, they became more forceful. With a quick move he shuffled away, but landing hard on his side, it jarred his ribs and back. Darkness swam up to meet him and he sank into oblivion.

**************************

John sat beside Rodney’s bed wiping his brow with a cool rag. The Kinoban’s had provided all that was needed to tend him, but it did little to negate the anger John was feeling as his eyes drifted over Rodney’s battered and bruised body. Even in sleep, his body twitched at John’s touch.

Pojan informed him that when Rodney woke they were free to leave. John had wanted to leave as soon as they’d cut him down, but there was no way he would make the long trip to the Stargate without some medical care, even that as primitive as the Kinoban’s. They had cleaned Rodney’s back and covered it in some sort of slimy substance meant to help with healing but judging from Rodney’s reaction, even unconscious, it was the same stuff they’d put on his hands earlier in the week. He’d thrashed and moaned as they smeared the foul smelling medicine on his back, but never woke. Now John sat beside him, doing what he could to make Rodney comfortable, but it all seemed too little, too late and he only had himself to blame.

Leaning forward, his elbows on his knees, John scrubbed his hands through his hair. A hand dropped on his shoulder startling him. Turning his head, he looked up to find Teyla standing beside him. Her eyes were on Rodney, her concern unmistakable. “Pojan says that the medicine will help with the healing. He should be ready to travel when he awakes. A stretcher will be provided and they will help us to the Stargate.”

As she spoke, Rodney began to stir. His swollen hands twitched a few times, but after a few soft moans, they stilled again. The gentle easy breathing of sleep was replaced with an occasional hitch as the scientist began to awake. Lying on his stomach, Rodney’s eyes fluttered open but soon closed again.

Dropping to his knees beside the bed, John tried to coax him back. “Come on, Rodney. The sooner you wake up the sooner we get to go home and get the hell out of here.”

Rodney grunted softly and opened his eyes again. Blinking several times to focus, he found himself with a face full of Major Sheppard, tight and weary under red rimmed eyes. There was also a sadness and underlying hurt in his eyes. No wonder thought Rodney, he’d had to sacrifice himself to Pojan’s men for the sake of a teammate. One he didn’t even like. But that was Major John Sheppard. Take one for the team and pretend it was all hunky dory. Well it wasn’t. It was all right there in his face, along with the pity. Pity for Rodney’s pathetic attempt at bravery. The Major didn’t even have enough faith in him to let him finish what they’d all started. He took away all he’d endured, made it meaningless and walked away the hero. And all Rodney felt was guilt. Lifting his head, he turned away, unwilling to face his shame, his resentment. He just wanted it to go away.

Nudging him gently, John persisted, his tone light, “Wake up, McKay. Pojan won’t let us go until he thinks you’re up to it, so open your eyes. We have your ride already to go. You can sleep all you want on the way back if you want.”

Failing to see the humor in his present state, Rodney only heard the words. Jerking to a sitting position at the edge of the cot, he knocked Sheppard over in his haste. The effort left him gasping for air against the sudden pain. Reaching up to wipe his brow, his swollen hands stopped him. Grimacing, he moved them to his lap. Glancing at the forlorn faces of Sheppard, Ford and Teyla, he said firmly, “I can walk.” He was not going to be carried from this hellhole, not as long as he could still crawl.

“Don’t be so stubborn, McKay. You’re in no shape to walk that far. ” said Sheppard from his spot on the floor. Rising to his feet, he brushed the dirt off his hands as he spoke to Ford, “Go get Pojan. Tell him he’s awake.”

“Yes, sir.” Ford hurried off.

Moving closer to McKay, who was fumbling with his pack, John took it from him. “What are you looking for?”

Wrapping his arms around his bare torso, Rodney refused to look at him. “I want my shirt,” his voice was on the edge of pleading for it.

“Why? It’s not like you can wear it.” Even with the healing and numbing properties of the Kinoban medicine, there was no way Rodney would be able to endure wearing a shirt. Pojan wanted to apply another round of medicine before they left, to further aid in healing. Remembering Rodney’s reaction to the first application, John winced at the thought of applying it while he was awake. Only Pojan’s insistence that it would help prevent infection and greatly speed healing did he consent to more of the treatment when Rodney woke.

Dejected, Rodney pushed himself to his feet. “Fine.” Staggering under his own weight, he reached out instinctively for balance. John grabbed for him, steadying him as Teyla rushed into help.

Sheppard’s concern was confusing him and Rodney shrugged from his grasp. He just wanted to get away, bury it all somewhere, all his flaws, guilt and shame that taunted him every time he looked at them. Their hands no longer restraining him, Rodney walked towards the door, intent on going home. He didn’t care if any one followed or not. Fumbling with the tent flap, it was pulled from his grasp and he came face to face with Pojan and Lieutenant Ford. “Hey Doc. Where you headed?”

Red-faced and sweating heavily, he ignored Ford and side-stepped around them only to be grabbed from behind. The firm grip on his arm pulled him back, turning him to face Sheppard again. Jerking his arm from John’s grasp, he stumbled back to his cot and sat down. He ducked his head, refusing to look at any of them. “I just want to leave.”

Pojan approache., “Soon, Dr. McKay. First I would like to tend to your back. Another application will ensure it does not become infected.”

Rodney’s head shot up, panic in his eyes. “No!” Pojan held the bowl of medicine, poised to apply it. Rodney pushed it away and nervously scooted further from the old man. “You are not putting that on me again.”

Remaining calm, Pojan spoke reassuringly, “It will greatly reduce the healing time as well. Please, Doctor. I mean you no harm.”

Those words sparked fire in Rodney and he spat, “No harm? All you’ve done and you have the nerve to say, ‘no harm’.” His anger rose and he said vehemently, his voice rising, “First you make me submit to your bullshit training in the name of team improvement. When that’s not enough you threaten me with their lives. Oh but let’s not stop there. Let’s not forget what you did to Major Sheppard.” Rodney was shaking, suddenly aware of what he’d said and he risked a glance at John. Wide-eyed shock was staring back at him.

Rodney closed his eyes, ashamed of himself for reminding John of earlier events. His shoulders slumped as his chin dropped to his chest. He muttered softly, “I’m sorry.”

Frowning, John glanced around the room at the puzzled looks on everyone’s faces and then back at McKay’s dejected form. His eyes widened even further when he realized no one had told Rodney that nothing more had happened after he’d been cut down. He’d been agonizing over something that never happened.

Muttering to himself about his own stupidity, he rubbed the back of his neck as he sat down next to McKay, his voice breaking the uncomfortable silence in the room, “Nothing happened. I’m fine. They didn’t touch me.”

Lifting his head, Rodney stared at him, disbelieving. “Huh?”

Pojan chimed in, “He is correct. We did nothing to harm him.”

Confused, Rodney tried to focus on this latest information. It was all a ruse, another of Pojan’s games. None of it made sense, it all seemed so pointless. Why make him endure the beating if there was no follow through. They’d let Sheppard steal his dignity with his selfless act, making all his suffering meaningless. He looked sharply at the Major and frowned. Why did he look so damn sad if nothing had happened? Without thinking he blurted out, “But you look…” He paused, unsure what to say or how to explain what he was seeing.

John put a hand on Rodney’s shoulder, mindful of his injuries. Rodney flinched at the contact but didn’t pull away. “I look…, what?”

Rodney’s hands fluttered at John, as he stammered, “You…you look…upset. You look tired.” His voice dropped and he hesitated, almost embarrassed to say the words, “You look like miserable. Why, if they didn’t hurt you?”

The innocent question gave John pause, the hurt biting deeply. Rodney had no idea that his teammates were concerned for him, not someone else. They had given him enough self doubt that it was inconceivable to the scientist that they might actually care. A lump formed in his throat. Leaning his elbows on his knees, he couldn’t look Rodney in the eye as he answered sadly, “I was worried for you, Rodney. Not for me.”

His mouth gaping open, Rodney stared at him, “Why would you even care?”

John stared back, speechless. He knew he should say something…anything…but there was no way to describe how much he did care and how wrong he’d been. How stupid and selfish he’d been. Pojan took advantage of the awkward moment and interrupted, “If you will lie down, I will do your back, Dr. McKay.”

Hurt further by John’s lack of response, Rodney withdrew and let himself be helped back down on the bed. He wasn’t expecting the medicine until Pojan touched his back and he willed himself to relax even as the sting began. A sheen of perspiration covered him as the burn intensified. As if the pain in his back wasn’t enough, Pojan applied the foul stuff to his hands. There was no recourse, no escape and he lay on the cot trembling, his eyes closed tightly against the stinging pain.

Pojan moved to wipe his face but John beat him to it. Sitting on the edge of the cot, he carefully wiped Rodney’s face and arms to keep him cool as the medicine worked. The Kinoban leader left only to return a few minutes later with two packages. Teyla and Ford eyed him curiously as he handed them one of them, “Please place that in Dr. McKay’s pack. He will know what to do with it when he discovers it.”

Teyla nodded, taking the offered package and putting it away in McKay’s pack. Ford’s eyes followed, his curiosity getting the better of him as he signaled her with a raised eyebrow. She shrugged in response, no wiser to the contents than he was. Pojan took the remaining package to where Major Sheppard and Dr. McKay were. Unwrapping it carefully, he revealed a small ornately carved box. Without opening it, he set in on the bed beside Rodney’s head so that he wouldn’t have to move to see it. Rodney’s eyes opened, revealing the pain behind them as he stared unblinking at the object on the bed.

For the first time since meeting the Kinoban leader, Pojan appeared hesitant to speak, uncomfortable even. “This does not come from me but rather is a gift from the warriors of my people.” Glancing meekly at his visitors, he continued. “Sometimes…among the warriors there is one who stands above the others, someone that displays honor, integrity, strength and courage. All of these things that cannot be measured by the skills they possess in the field but exist within a person nonetheless.”

Pojan’s eyes drifted to where Rodney lay on the bed and he continued absently, “This is not something they bestow lightly on one of their own. It is considered a great honor among them and they have asked that I present this gift to you, Dr. McKay.” He dropped his head, adding humbly, “They saw within you something I and the other elders did not. We misjudged you and your team. We have no right to ask forgiveness, but we would like you to know that what my warriors saw within you, so now do your teammates.” He bowed his head respectfully and turned to leave. “When you are ready, we will escort you to the Stargate.”

The silence in the small room was palpable and they watched as Rodney unexpectedly reached out and covered the box with his hand. His face hardened and he angrily swept the box off the cot. Ignoring their shocked expressions, he lifted his head and turned away, without a word to any of them.

Sheppard eased himself away from the cot and retrieved the box, taking a moment to open it. Inside was a thick circular medallion of some sort of metal that changed colors as the light hit it. It was nestled in a carved inlay, holding it securely in place. It was simple in its design and only four delicate symbols graced the surface. The symbols alone had a beauty to them that might have been lost in any other design. Replacing the lid, he handed it to Teyla and motioned towards McKay’s pack. He spoke to her quietly, “Maybe he’ll want it later.”

Teyla nodded solemnly and placed the box with the previous package. They waited in silence, glancing occasionally towards Dr. McKay as he rested on the cot. Less than an hour later, he sat up wearily, rubbing his eyes with the palm of his good hand, his other hand aching because of his wrist. Even the Kinoban’s voodoo medicine hadn’t alleviated the throbbing from the damaged joint, although he had to admit that his back was numb to the point that he felt nothing. Holding his wrist close to his chest, he ventured a look around the room and found the anxious faces of his teammates.

Teammates, he thought… well that was certainly debatable after all that had transpired. While they might have learned something from Pojan’s warped games, Rodney wasn’t as easily swayed and his innate mistrust of people was firmly back in place. He could see the sadness in their eyes, perhaps even remorse, but he felt oddly detached from it. A week of sacrificing himself for them had only brought pain and a new understanding of those he’d considered his friends. Shifting on the bed, he reached for his jacket lying atop his pack, only to have it ripped from his hands. Looking up, he glared at the Major, “Give it back.”

“You can’t wear it. It’ll only make it worse,” said Sheppard harshly, holding the jacket just out of reach.

“Worse, Major? Worse than what?” He left it unanswered and held out his hand for the jacket, “I’m going to put my jacket on and I’m walking out of here.” When Sheppard hesitated, Rodney raised his voice angrily, “Give me the damn jacket!”

John only wanted to help but the man was being decidedly stubborn, unwilling to admit he was in no shape to make the journey back to the gate. Yet refusing Rodney now would only make things worse between them and John reluctantly handed him his jacket, watching as he struggled to put it on. Rodney gave no indication that it hurt to wear, but John would have been surprised if he had. Except for the occasional twinge of pain, Rodney remained emotionless and only the cold hard look in his eyes gave anything away. He watched him stand, staggering slightly but regaining his balance quickly. Reaching for his pack, John snatched it away, handing it off to Ford without a word.

Even the effort of bending was taking its toll if the paleness in McKay’s face was any indication. He glared at Sheppard then Ford, hoping to intimidate at least one of them. When even Ford held firm, he huffed, “Fine.”

Undeterred, he turned on his heel and exited the tent without looking back. The rest of them hurriedly gathered their gear and followed. Pojan and several Kinoban warriors were scrambling after the determined scientist, surprised by his sudden appearance and the fact that he was on his feet and walking. After several hundred yards, they managed to form a satisfactory honor guard for the departing visitors and settled into McKay’s pace.

McKay kept up for about a mile, but fatigue and injuries were catching up to him quickly. His gait became slower and his weariness sent him stumbling more than once. When at last he dropped to his knees, breathing harshly, Sheppard called a halt. He dropped on one knee beside him and said sympathetically, “Don’t do this, Rodney. You’ve proven enough, you don’t have to do this. Let us help you.”

Without looking up, Rodney shook his head. “I’m fine.”

John reached out but Rodney forcibly pushed him away and got to his feet again. His pace was slower than before and John worried he would eventually collapse from exhaustion, or worse. The worse had him worried. McKay hadn’t eaten since the morning and it was already mid-afternoon. Just sitting with him, John could see the tiny tremors in his hands and the paleness in his face. They were still several miles from the gate. Adjusting his step he found Pojan and asked, “Is the Gate functioning?”

“Yes. Why?”

“I want to send Teyla and Ford ahead to get some help.”

“Of course, but what can they do that you cannot? He does not want assistance.”

Looking over his shoulder, Sheppard motioned for Teyla and Ford to join him. When they arrived he explained, “I want you to go ahead of us and open the Gate. Have them send Dr. Beckett. If anyone can get through to him, maybe Carson can.”

“Good thinking, Sir.”

Teyla nodded in agreement. “We will return as quickly as possible.”

They turned to leave when Ford stopped and held out McKay’s pack, not wanting the added burden. Teyla was hard enough to keep up with when he was on even ground, let alone carrying more weight. One of the closer warriors reached for it on his way by and with a small nod, took the pack without so much as a pause in his step. Ford shrugged and followed after Teyla as they half ran for the gate. John watched McKay closely and hoped that maybe Carson would be able to talk sense into him.

Chapter 12

John walked beside McKay but kept his distance. Every time he’d ventured too close, Rodney had shot him a seething glare. John took the hint. He was disappointed, but really didn’t expect Rodney to grant him forgiveness. He was under no illusion that his friendship with McKay hadn’t been seriously damaged, perhaps irreparably. It would take time and patience on his part to get Rodney to trust him again, if ever. Now was not the time to make amends. If he ever wanted a chance to prove himself he had to accept Rodney’s terms for the time being. If that meant letting him walk to the gate under his own power, no matter how much it pained John to watch, then he’d do that. Any distress he suffered because of it was just part of his penance.

Unable to do anything but watch as McKay weaved his way down the path to the Stargate, he was never so glad to see Carson coming towards them. Breathless from trailing Teyla and Ford, Carson bent over to catch his breath before his eyes fell on Rodney and he hurried forward.

***************

Rodney walked with his head down, concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. The numbness in his back was wearing off and while it wasn’t as painful as earlier it still took all his focus not to dwell on it. He was surprised when hands grasped his arms, stopping his forward progress. Looking up, he found himself staring at Carson. Oh god, he was hallucinating. Blinking several times as he shook his head, the apparition remained. He dared to speak to it, “Carson?”

Cautiously lifting his hand to cradle the back of Carson’s neck, he felt solid skin beneath his hand. Releasing a sigh, he pulled him closer until their foreheads touched, “You’re real, right? I’m not creating you out of some delusional fantasy.”

Carson smiled faintly, “No, I’m real.”

Rodney clasped Carson tighter. It was that or cry, and he refused to do that. Not here, not in front of the others. His voice was tinged with bitterness as he asked, “So what brings you to this masochistic, warrior-infested world?”

Pulling back a bit, he looked Rodney up and down. Teyla and Ford had informed him what had happened and even why, albeit reluctantly, but it didn’t prepare him for seeing his lover so worn. Rodney was barely on his feet, his skin cold and clammy and the tremor in his hands was a sure sign he was on the verge of collapse. Ignoring Rodney’s question, he grasped his arm lightly. “Why don’t you rest for a bit, let me take a look at you?”

Rodney shook his head. “No.”

“Please, Rodney.”

In a tired voice, Rodney leaned closer to Carson as he answered, “I can’t. If I sit down I’m afraid I won’t get back up.”

“Would that be so bad? You’re not looking so good, luv.”

Grasping Carson’s jacket, his eyes pleaded as he spoke in a hushed voice only the doctor could hear, “I have to do this, Carson. Please.” Carson felt the rage inside him build at Rodney’s condition and the entire situation as explained by Teyla and Ford. The fact that Rodney was the only one hurt in the whole fiasco made him even angrier and he wasn’t too sure he’d be able to hold it all in this time.

The look in Rodney’s eyes and the desperate grip on his jacket were enough and Carson nodded slowly, keeping the fury out of his voice, “I’ll help you up again. Just let me take a look at you.”

Trusting Carson, Rodney nodded and let him help him into the shade. He sat down gingerly, one shoulder against the tree for support. Carson removed his pack and quickly went to work checking Rodney’s vitals. His paleness had Carson concerned and he reached for the chocolate he’d packed. Pulling it out, he handed it to Rodney but seeing him fumble with the wrapper, took it back and opened it for him. Rodney sighed as the sweet confection worked its way through his system. “When did you eat last? You’re looking a wee bit thinner than the last time I saw you.”

“No snacking between meals at this paradise resort. Great exercise plan though. Guaranteed to knock off those hard to lose pounds,” snorted Rodney. Seeing Carson’s impatience, he waved his hand in the air as he answered, “Yesterday. Last night. Do you have more chocolate?”

Opening another candy bar with his teeth, Carson handed it to Rodney, who ate it as quickly as the first. “Water?”

“Aye. Here,” said Carson, handing him his canteen. Rodney grasped it with his good hand but he was shaking too much and Carson covered his hand, steadying it enough so he could drink. Noticing the way Rodney held his other arm, he asked, “What’s wrong with your arm?”

“Wrist.”

Carson rolled his eyes, “Alright, wrist. Don’t be a smartass.” Removing an elastic bandage, he wrapped the injured wrist, hoping to stabilize it some until they could get home and he could take x-rays. Rodney was growing more irritable with each passing moment, the poking and prodding bringing more pain. His eyes were bright and glassy and there was no mistaking his discomfort.

He snapped at Carson, “Can we just get to the part where you give me some good drugs?”

Rodney flinched when his jacket was unzipped, but was too tired to resist. Carson pursed his lips tightly at the ugly bruising under the jacket. His hands shaking as he pushed it open more, revealing much the same along his ribcage and fearing what his back looked like. “Bloody hell, Rodney. What did they do to you?”

As he reached to remove the jacket, Rodney grabbed his wrist, stopping him. He shook his head, “Don’t. Not here.”

“I need to look at it.”

“No you don’t. Please, Carson. There’s nothing you can do. I just want to go home. Give me something to take the edge off and you can do whatever you want when we get home,” pleaded Rodney, his eyes never leaving Carson’s.

The look in Rodney’s eyes and the grimaces as he let the jacket settle tore at Carson. It killed him to see his lover suffer so. Reaching into his kit, he found some painkillers that would do as Rodney asked and still allow him to function. Ideally, Rodney needed an IV with fluids to combat his low blood sugar and dehydration, but short of tying him down, Carson didn’t think that was going to happen. Whatever had taken place the past five days had gotten in Rodney’s craw and he was going to walk to the gate or die trying.

Handing the pills over, he helped him with a drink to wash them down. Rodney swallowed and slumped into the tree, closing his eyes as he waited for the pills to take hold. Dropping a gentle hand on Rodney’s shoulder, Carson jerked it away when it brought a hiss from Rodney as he ducked away from the contact. The doctor in him wanted to see the damage, but the lover in him resisting, knowing how much it would hurt to see it. Teyla had told him what had happened and he’d felt like throwing up as she described some of what Rodney had suffered at the hands of the Kinoban.

Sitting beside Rodney, Carson carefully slipped a hand in his where it rested between them, hidden from the others. He wanted nothing more than to embrace Rodney and make it all go away, but that would have to wait until they had some privacy. Until then he had to content himself with the slight squeeze Rodney gave his hand and the warmth that passed between them.

Rodney sat for a few more minutes before removing his hand from Carson’s to get to his feet. He’d been right about one thing, he’d never have made it back to his feet without help. Even with help, it was a painful thing to watch. Carson didn’t miss the guilty faces of all those around him or the way Major Sheppard ducked his head when their eyes met. If he hadn’t been holding Rodney to keep him from falling, he wouldn’t have thought twice about venting some of his anger towards the man. As it was, he held on until Rodney was steady and only then did he reluctantly release his hold on him.

It was a long mile, for Rodney, for Carson and for all those watching him stumble and stagger. Torn between being his doctor or his lover, Carson stayed as close as Rodney would allow, which was just shy of touching shoulders. The doctor in him wanted to call a halt to Rodney’s stubborn pride, but the other side of him couldn’t have been prouder of what his lover was doing and why. They had beaten him down, and this was Rodney’s way of regaining some of what he’d lost, at least in his own mind. Carson figured the others had a totally new understanding of one Doctor Rodney McKay. It came with the bittersweet knowledge that it had always been there, but those he trusted most had been blind to the man he really was. Teyla and Ford had admitted as much earlier, but he’d yet to hear a word from Sheppard. The major wisely kept his distance, staying several meters behind him and Rodney.

Sprinting ahead, Ford opened the gate and waited for the rest of the party to arrive. Teyla joined him and the two of them watched the others approach. From the dais upon which the Stargate sat, it was a sad procession. McKay and the doctor walked shoulder to shoulder, Beckett ready to steady him at a moments notice. Around them were six warriors. Behind them walked Pojan and Major Sheppard, neither man speaking.

Without a word to any of them, Rodney and Carson mounted the stairs. Without so much as a backward glance, they disappeared through the Stargate. Major Sheppard stopped at the bottom and turned to face Pojan, but he had no idea what to say. He felt empty inside, like he was leaving something behind, something he might never get back.

Sensing the sadness, Pojan spoke, “I am truly sorry for all that has transpired here. Never before have we so misjudged a visitor.”

“Little late to find that out now, don’t you think?” said Sheppard, bitterly.

“In your particular case, perhaps. For those who come later, no. After much deliberation we have decided to open our training fields to anyone who wishes to improve on their skills. We will no longer search the minds of our visitors or place conditions upon them, but rather we will work with them in whatever way we can. So you and your team have done us a service and made us see that even what appears to be true isn’t always the truth.”

Pojan motioned towards the stairs where Rodney’s pack and a couple other items had been placed. “That is the power source that Dr. McKay retrieved. It is his. We have also provided you with the medicine we used. Teyla suggested that your people may be able to use it and perhaps even improve on it. If your doctor will allow it, I would suggest another treatment for Dr. McKay. It will help with the healing. We have little else to offer other than our sincerest apologies. If you should ever decide to return, you would be welcome.” Pojan bowed his head solemnly.

Teyla grabbed the pack and the medicine while Ford hefted the heavy box. Sheppard nodded to them both as they passed through the event horizon. He then turned back to Pojan. “I know what you were trying to do. I have to admit I did learn some things about myself, but that doesn’t mean I agree with how you did it. You messed with four people’s lives here, thinking you knew best. No one has that right, nor should they have that power. I only hope you can live with what you’ve done, because I’m not so sure I can.” With that, he turned and left Kinoban.

He arrived in Atlantis just as Rodney was being transported to the infirmary, already hooked up to an IV and sleeping soundly. Carson caught a glimpse of Sheppard as he arrived and spoke to another doctor, “I’ll be right there.” He waited long enough for them to leave then strode over to where John was standing.

Maybe if he’d thought about it, he might have seen it coming, but he’d never seen the good doctor with that look in his eye. Maybe it was surprise that Beckett could manhandle him back into the wall so easily or the speed with which he delivered the punch, but he didn’t react. Not even when he slid down the wall trying to breathe through the pain. He was gasping for air, stunned by the power that Carson delivered to his midsection. The doctor never said a word, just turned and followed after his people.

Elizabeth rushed to his side as she called out to Dr. Beckett. Red-faced and gasping for air, John reached out to stop her as he shook his head, “No… I …had that… coming.”

Chapter 13

Entering the infirmary, Dr. Weir found things much quieter than expected. Rodney’s collapse upon exiting the Stargate had the Medical staff hopping and to see him settled in a bed sleeping was surely a good sign. Dr. Beckett was hovering around the bed fiddling with the IV when he caught sight of her. He tried ignoring her presence even as she stood at the end of Rodney’s bed, her arms crossed as she watched him.

“Major Sheppard told me what happened.”

Carson lifted his head and looked her in the eye. “I’ll not apologize for hittin’ him.”

Elizabeth countered, “I didn’t expect you would.” He looked at her in surprise, then she added, “However, I cannot have two of my senior officers fighting in the Gateroom where every one is privy to it. I suggest you find some place private the next time you have private matters to discuss.”

“Aye. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinkin’ too clearly at the time.”

“Understood. How is he doing?” asked Elizabeth, nodding towards the bed. Rodney lay on his stomach, the sheet covering all but his head. Even as he slept, he looked exhausted.

“He’ll be alright. Beyond the obvious bruising and damage to his back, he was suffering from low blood sugar and dehydration. His wrist has some ligament damage, but it’ll heal with rest. He’s goin’ to be sore when he wakes, but whatever is in the medicine the Kinoban’s sent, seems to have given him a good start on healing. Saved him a several days of healin’ by the looks of it. I’ve got the lab people analyzing it.”

“Would it be something to trade for you think?”

“Teyla said that the Kinoban leader suggested another treatment, but when I mentioned it to Rodney, he mumbled something about battery acid and refused to allow it near him.” Seeing her puzzled look, he explained, “I guess it has quite a sting to it. If we can find out how it works we may be able to remedy that problem. It’s way too early to tell.”

“Let me know what you find out.”

“I’ll do that.”

Elizabeth hesitated, “I’ve debriefed the team, Carson. They are all worried about him. They want to see him.”

Carson shook his head, “He doesn’t want to see them. Not that I blame him. I’ve only gotten bits of it and I didn’t like what I was hearin.”

“You’ll get their reports when I do.” She stopped, dropping her hand on his forearm as she continued, “You may not like what you read, Carson. Please try to remember that as difficult as the mission was for Rodney, they were as much the victim as he was. The Kinoban’s placed them all in a situation under which they had no control. Their most personal thoughts were stolen and used against them under the guise that it was for the team. Even the Kinoban’s realized the mistake they’d made.”

“Too bad Rodney is the only one that paid the price for their ignorance.”

Shaking her head, Elizabeth said quietly, “He wasn’t the only one that suffered, Carson. Maybe physically, yes, but the others must also come to terms with what happened to him and more importantly, why. They feel badly and wish to somehow make amends with him. They’ve all stated rather strongly that they wish for him to remain on the team.”

Carson leaned over Rodney to fiddle with the sheet. “Major Sheppard?”

Elizabeth nodded her head, “Especially him. He’s been sitting outside waiting to hear something.”

Rubbing at the scruff on his face, Carson sighed, “Physically, he’ll be fine, nothing that a lot of rest won’t fix.”

“Do you think he’ll go back to the team?”

“It’s hard to say with Rodney. He doesn’t place his trust very easily. Despite his rough exterior, he takes things like friendship very seriously. I know that being a part of the team meant more than anything to him, not that he’d admit that. I see him throwin’ himself into his work to keep from showing how badly he’s been hurt.”

Elizabeth nodded knowingly, “You’ll keep me updated?”

“Aye. It’ll be awhile before he wakes. He needs sleep.”

“At least if he’s sleeping you won’t have to work so hard to keep him here,” said Elizabeth as she prepared to leave.

“That’s true. He’ll be up soon enough complainin’.”

“I’ll come by later.” Stopping at the door, she spoke tentatively, “I’ll let John and the others know how he’s doing.”

Carson nodded, but refused to comment, instead turning his attention back to Rodney. He’d had no time to talk or even spend time with him since his arrival. By the time his injuries were taken care of, Rodney was already falling asleep with the drugs that were administered. He’d stayed awake only long enough to tell them he didn’t want any visitors. His meaning was quite clear…he didn’t want to see his teammates.

Not that Carson blamed him. At the moment he wanted nothing to do with them either. Even with Elizabeth’s diplomatic musings, he wasn’t inclined to forgive them just yet. He wanted so badly to speak to Rodney, find out what really happened and how he was dealing with it. Judging by the cold looks Rodney gave the doctors and nurses when as they tended his injuries, Carson had his work cut out for him.

*******

John was still sitting outside the infirmary when Aiden came by. “Major.”

“Lieutenant,” responded Sheppard, not looking up from where he sat, slumped in a chair.

“I brought you something to eat. Thought you might be getting hungry.”

Sitting up, John took the offered tray, but set it aside, not particularly hungry. “Thanks.”

Aiden sat down and looking at the door, asked, “Any word?”

Sheppard shrugged, “He’s sleeping. No point in you sticking around.”

The young lieutenant crossed his arms and settled deeper into his chair. John eyed the soldier, about to comment when Teyla showed up, bearing another tray of food. She glanced at the one near Major Sheppard and said sheepishly, “I thought you should eat.”

“It’s alright, Teyla. Just set it down.” John motioned to an empty chair. “You might as well join us too.”

“How is he doing?”

“Sleeping at the moment. Carson won’t let us in.” Pausing, he added, grimly, “He doesn’t want to see us.”

Teyla replied, “That is not unexpected.”

“Why are we stayin’ here if we can’t see him?” asked Ford.

It was Teyla that responded, “Do you have anything better to do?”

Ford slid further into his chair in resignation, “No.”

They sat for several hours until Sheppard ordered them both to get some rest, promising to do the same. He never mentioned that he planned on resting right where he was. He had no intention of leaving until he could get in to see McKay and if that meant camping out until Carson lowered his guard, he could do that.

*******

Carson woke with a start, almost falling out of the chair he’d chosen to drift off in. Lifting a hand to rub the soreness in his neck, he found himself covered with a blanket, probably placed there by one of his staff. No one dared suggest he leave to get some sleep, they simply worked around him.

Rising slowly, stretching to relieve the kinks in his back, Carson found Rodney’s blue eyes staring up at him. Reaching out, he gently ran his fingers through the scientist’s sleep tossled hair then leaned over him and very gently kissed his temple. “You don’t do anything by halves do you, luv?”

“How long?” Rodney ended up coughing, his throat dry after sleeping so long.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Carson helped him drink, difficult with Rodney lying on his stomach. “About twelve hours.”

His eyelids fluttering, Rodney said groggily, “When can I leave?”

Carson stroked his cheek lightly, “Not just yet. I’ve lowered the dosage on the drugs a bit and I want to see you get some more sleep first. Then we’ll see how you’re doin’.”

Trying to answer, but too tired, Rodney gave up. He opened his eyes briefly and lifted his fingers. Reaching for them, Carson carefully entwined them with his own, watching as Rodney clasped them, sigh and fall back to sleep.

Carson sat for almost an hour before deciding that if Rodney was going to be released then he was going to have to do some quick cleaning. He considered making him stay with him in his room, but Rodney was territorial and would feel more comfortable in his own room. Unfortunately, Rodney wasn’t much of a housekeeper and if Carson was going to be playing nursemaid, he couldn’t do it with Rodney’s room as it was. An hour to pick up, grab a shower and a quick change of clothes he could be back before Rodney woke up again.

Carson was so tired when he finally left he failed to notice the three individuals sitting off to one side of the waiting area, nor did he see them slip into the infirmary as he trudged down the hall. Teyla, Ford and Sheppard moved warily to McKay’s bedside, peering around curtains to make sure they’d come in unseen. Very quietly, they eased around the bed, hoping to see their teammate awake. John stood at the end of the bed and gently nudged McKay’s foot, saying quietly. “Hey, Rodney, wake up. We need to talk to you.”

Rodney came awake but stayed motionless, his eyes closed, pretending to be asleep. He steadied his breathing to simulate sleep, but couldn’t still his heart as it pounded in his chest. The last thing he wanted was to talk, especially to his ‘teammates’.

Teyla stepped closer to the bed, eyeing McKay suspiciously. She spoke to Sheppard, “I believe he is awake, Major.” She turned her attention back to Rodney, “I understand your reluctance to speak to us, but we only wish to ask your forgiveness. We were very wrong in our estimation of you. I myself realize that I’ve disregarded your feelings and your worth not only to the team but as a friend, for that I am sorry.”

Ford piped in, “I’m sorry too, Doc. I guess I didn’t think too much about someone not wanting to be a soldier. Figured everyone would jump at the chance to do all the cool stuff we get to do. I’m sorry if I didn’t see that you were only doing it to fit in.”

Lying in the bed, Rodney resisted the urge to roll his eyes at Ford’s naïve enthusiasm. It was so Ford. Even now, after all he’d been through, they still didn’t understand, but it was too hard to think beyond that at the moment. He didn’t want to have a discussion about how bad they felt, or how sorry they were, because at the moment it really didn’t matter anymore. The sting in his back grew worse as the pain meds wore off, and it was getting harder to feign sleep.

There was an uncomfortable silence around him followed by the rustle of clothes and retreating feet. Rodney dared to open his eye a fraction to make sure they were gone. He should have known better.

Sheppard’s voice startled him, “I knew you were faking it.” When Rodney didn’t move or acknowledge him, John sighed in frustration, “Come on, Rodney, ignoring this isn’t going to make it go away. We need to talk.”

Rodney lifted his head a bit and opening his eyes, glared at the major, “No, we don’t. By ignoring you I was hoping you’d take the hint and go away.” Dropping his head back to his pillow, Rodney rubbed away some of the sweat that dotted his face. “What part of I don’t want to see you didn’t you understand? Perhaps I should use smaller words even you can understand.”

Wincing at McKay’s acid tongue, John shrugged, “I see you haven’t lost your sense of humor.”

Despite the pain of moving, Rodney got a hand under him and half sat up. “Who’s joking? I don’t want you here. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to examine my inner self with you. I want you to leave, Major. Is that simple enough for you?”

“Yeah, I got it.” He gave McKay a final glance, his concern overshadowing his hurt. “You want something for the pain before I leave? I can get one of the doctors.”

Rodney didn’t answer. He sank to the bed and turned his head away from Sheppard, burying his hands under his pillow to hide the shaking. John started to leave, but hesitated. Walking the few steps back to Rodney’s bed he said softly, “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry…for everything.”

John left him alone, feeling no better now than he had before. He’d hoped that Rodney would give him a chance to explain, but the stubborn scientist was just that…stubborn. Not that it wasn’t justified. Sheppard still held out hope that maybe he could fix things between them, but this latest meeting was anything but encouraging.

Lost in thought, he exited the infirmary only to run into Carson…literally. Knocking them both back several feet as they tried to keep their balance, John grabbed for the doctor, only to have his hands harshly pushed away. He cautiously backed away at the scowl on Beckett’s face. “You’re not going to hit me are you?”

“What were you doing in there? I thought you were told he didn’t want to see you. Do you care so little about what he wants?”

John had the sense to look contrite. Carson was glaring at him with clenched fists and John backed away another step, not really afraid, but unwilling to put himself in range, just in case. “I just wanted to explain.” He hung his head slightly, “If it’s any consolation, he wasn’t too responsive to the whole idea.”

“Can you blame him?” snapped Beckett. He turned to enter the infirmary when Sheppard clasped his arm, stopping him from entering.

“Look I know you’re pissed at me…”

*********************

Carson jerked out his grasp, and slammed him against the wall, holding him tightly with his fists in his shirt. Sheppard swallowed hard, pressing himself into the wall as Carson got in his face. “Pissed, Major? Oh, I’m a lot more than that.” Carson was breathing hard, his anger at the Sheppard making him see red. He pulled back his arm ready to strike but seeing the Major close his eyes tightly and try to duck brought him to his senses. He surprised them both when he released Sheppard and let him go. Still shaking, he sat in one of the chairs and buried his head in his hands.

John stayed standing, keeping his distance from the angry Scot. “I’m sorry, Carson. I really am. How was I to know the Kinoban’s were gonna pick my brain? It’s not like I set out to hurt him like that.”

Carson spared him a sideways glance, his eyes still furiously dark. “That’s a bloody lie and you know it, Major. Ever since you found out we were together, you’ve wanted nothin’ more to do with him. You don’t think that was hurting him? He actually thought you were his friend. For three months you went out of your way to avoid him. He’s a good man, Major and doesn’t deserve to be treated like that. Not by you. Not by anybody.”

Sliding down the wall, John sat, his hands rubbing the back of his neck as he sighed, “It wasn’t about McKay.”

“You’re not makin’ sense. You treat him like crap than try to tell me it isn’t about him,” scoffed Carson, eyeing Sheppard suspiciously.

Looking at Beckett, John shrugged sadly, “I didn’t know. Not really. Not until Pojan made me think about it, made me face it.”

“Face what, Major?” snapped Carson. “How does beating Rodney make you see where you messed up?”

John up looked at Carson, but averted his gaze by dropping his head. With a sigh of resignation, he slowly began telling Carson all about his past and how he’d let it interfere with his and Rodney’s friendship. Carson listened, asking an occasional question. By the time he was done, John was rung out and Carson had a new understanding of the whole situation. Not that what he did to Rodney was justified, it wasn’t, but given the circumstances, Carson found his anger fading. Sometimes he hated being so sensitive to others, it made it harder to hate someone and he really wanted someone to blame for Rodney’s treatment. Oh, he still blamed Major Sheppard, but he couldn’t hate him.

Standing, Carson walked towards the infirmary door, peering inside. There was no chance of seeing Rodney, but he looked anyway. Recalling the injuries Rodney had suffered he spoke a little more curtly than was necessary as he glanced back at Sheppard. “I’m not the one you should be telling this to.”

Getting to his feet, John said with frustration. “I tried to talk to him. He kicked me out.”

“I’m sorry, Major, but I’ll not go against Rodney’s wishes. If he doesn’t want to see you than I have to respect that.” John’s shoulders slumped. Carson turned away, returning to the infirmary. He wasn’t ready to forgive Sheppard, not yet.

Chapter 14

Moving to Rodney’s bedside, Carson found him with his eyes closed tight and his lips pursed in pain. He reacted immediately, pulling the painkiller he’d stashed for later from his pocket. Injecting it into Rodney’s IV, he reprimanded him lightly, “Aw luv, why didn’t you call the nurse?”

“Didn’t want you to use that voodoo stinging shit on me,” hissed Rodney, real fear at the possibility gracing his features. Carson watched it and the pain fade as the medicine worked its way through his system. Rodney visibly relaxed as he muttered to Carson, “Can I leave?”

Patting his arm lightly, Carson smiled, “Not just yet. Rest now.”

Rodney shook off the sleepiness, “Please, Carson. I want to sleep in my own bed where no one will bother me.”

Carson sighed and carefully sat on the edge of the bed, “They won’t bother you anymore. I’ll stay right here until you’re ready to leave.”

Ignoring the reference, Rodney changed the subject, “You should sleep. You look like hell.” Even with the teasing, there was concern in his tone.

Scrubbing his hand through his unruly hair, Carson smiled, “Aye, if you weren’t gettin’ hurt all the time, I wouldn’t be worryin’ all the time.”

It was a long week for Carson and the others, not knowing what was happening on Kinoban. When the team hadn’t checked in, they tried opening the gate but couldn’t establish a connection. It was as if the Kinoban gate no longer existed. Carson lowered his voice, it wavering with emotion, “I was terrified of losing you.”

Easing onto his side, Rodney looked up at him and reached out to cover one of Carson’s hands. “I’m sorry you had to go through that. I knew you’d be worried but they wouldn’t let us send a message. Everything kind of went to shit in a hurry.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Rodney closed his eyes, but didn’t answer. Carson got the message. “You know you can talk to me.”

Rodney nodded and spoke in a whisper, “Not now, Carson. Please.”

Lightly squeezing Rodney’s hand, Carson smiled warmly, “Alright, luv. I know better than to force you.”

Trying to sit up, Rodney responded lightly, taking the conversation away from the serious matter at hand again, “Yes, well we all have our moments. I really need to pee.”

Crossing his arms, Carson frowned, “I’m not letting you out of bed.”

Rodney dismissed the comment with a wave of his hand, “Fine, fine. Just get whatever you need so I can pee.”

Grabbing the urinal, Carson handed it to Rodney, who fumbled with it, his pants and the blanket, not quite managing all three. He finally gave up and handed it back to Carson, “A little help here.”

Easing the blanket aside, Carson helped without comment and turned his head away to allow Rodney some privacy. Finishing, Rodney forgot about his injuries and fell back onto the bed, instantly regretting it. Gasping for air and trying to roll to his side, his hands clawed for purchase, adding to the pain.

Carson finally grabbed his arms and lifted him enough to sit. His breathing was harsh as Carson cupped the back of his neck, pulling him into his shoulder. Rodney took several deep breaths as the pain in his back began to ease while Carson’s fingers on his neck soothed him. He’d missed this… the closeness, Carson’s touch, his warmth. The security he felt in his arms. Wrapping his arms around Carson, he buried his head further into his shoulder, shuddering. He didn’t want to cry, not here, not now, but just having Carson this close was too much and tears gathered. A quiet sob was torn from him, “It hurts.” Another sob, “Why does it have to hurt so much, Carson?”

“Oh Rodney, let it go, luv. I’ve got you,” whispered Carson, holding him as tightly as he dared. It wasn’t just the pain in his back that was hurting his lover. He wanted to embrace him and not let go, but mindful of his injuries he let Rodney hold him. It was several moments before Rodney pulled away, allowing Carson to settle him back on the bed. He didn’t try to speak and closed his eyes as Carson lightly caressed his cheek. “Get some sleep. When you wake we’ll get you to your room.”

Rodney nodded weakly, drifting into sleep with Carson’s hand soothing him. He wasn’t surprised when he woke a couple hours later and Carson was still sitting beside him. He rolled on his side with some effort, the soreness in his muscles, and numerous aches and pains making him slow and cautious. “You didn’t have to actually SIT with me.”

“I said I would. Besides I like watching you sleep.”

“I’m sure you’ll get plenty of opportunities in the next few days. I feel like I could sleep a week. Which reminds me, you said I could leave when I woke,” said Rodney, stubbornly sitting up in anticipation of leaving.

“You’re lucky the Kinoban’s used their medicine, Rodney. Oh I know it was nasty stuff but it saved you a lot of misery early on and you wouldn’t be movin’ so easily without it.” Seeing him grimace, Carson pursed his lips, “I wish you’d reconsider and stay here.”

Rodney shook his head and said longingly “I just want to go home.”

Carson knew Rodney was uncomfortable under the public eye of the infirmary, especially after his ordeal. As much as Rodney bitched and moaned about injuries, the more serious they were the quieter he got. The fact that Rodney wanted to hole up in his room was a testament to the seriousness of the situation, not only from an injury standpoint but also introspectively. As open and verbal as Rodney was about some things, he was a very private man, rarely discussing those things that touched him deeply. It had taken Carson months to work his way into Rodney’s inner circle and there was little he didn’t know about the man. In the quiet of his room, Rodney would work through what bothered him, sometimes with Carson, sometimes without. When he sorted through his thoughts, worked through the catharsis, he’d reappear, his arrogance and cynicism firmly back in place.

Helping Rodney sit, Carson gently helped him to stand, “Do you want real clothes?”

Looking down at his bare chest and scrub pants, he realized it wasn’t the best attire to be traipsing through the corridors of Atlantis in. “Can I get a shirt?”

“Are you sure?” questioned Carson, worried the shirt would irritate his back.

“I’m not going out in public with no shirt,” snapped Rodney.

“I don’t know, it’s a good look for you,” teased Carson, sincere in his appreciation of Rodney’s physique.

Rodney sneered back at him, “A shirt, Carson. Just get me a shirt, so I can leave.” The effort of standing was already wearing him down. The week of abuse, lack of sleep and Carson’s drugs were taking their toll and he swayed a bit.

Carson gave in and gestured to the bed, “Sit down before you fall down and I’ll see what I can do.” He shook his head and asked hopefully, “I don’t suppose I could talk you into a wheelchair?”

“No.” Rodney’s response was firm and immediate leaving no doubt it would be impossible to change his mind. Under other circumstances or another patient, Carson might insist but he would be with Rodney so he was willing to bend the rules in this particular case. Rodney trusted Carson to take care of him and sat down, “Just the shirt, Carson. I promise to behave.”

Twenty minutes later they were on their way to Rodney’s quarters with Carson at his elbow, watching him nervously out of the corner of his eye. “I’m fine, Carson. It’s only a little farther. I promise not to collapse before we get there.”

“Don’t joke like that, I don’t relish picking you up off the floor because you’re too stubborn to see good sense.”

Rodney really was concentrating on staying on his feet and didn’t notice Zelenka and Kavanagh until he heard their voices in the hall ahead of them. Kavanagh spotted them and hurried over, speaking with his normal insensitivity, “McKay, I was on my way to see you.”

Sparing a glance at Radek, Rodney watched the man shrug. “I try to tell him you are not in mood for visitors. He is slow to understand.”

Stopping, Rodney noticed when Carson moved closer, there to offer physical and moral support if needed. “What is your problem now, Kavanagh?”

Kavanagh ranted as he shot a glare at Zelenka, “I want to know when you are coming back. He seems to think that in your absence he is in charge and that is clearly not the case. I’m sure you are aware of my expertise and…”

Rodney cut him off, his annoyance unhidden. “He is in charge when I’m away.”

“But that isn’t fair. Everyone knows…”

Radek interrupted him this time. “Everyone knows you whine like little girl. Go back to whatever you do all day, leave real work to big boys.”

Kavanagh took a deep breath and huffed indignantly, “I don’t have to listen to this.”

“Good. Go away,” said Radek, waving him off and watching Rodney and Carson having difficulty maintaining a straight face at his verbal parlay with Kavanagh.

Wanting to get off his feet and to his room, Rodney cut in, “Can we discuss this another time?” He stared at Kavanagh, and said defiantly, “Radek is in charge when I’m away. If you have a problem with it, take it up with Dr. Weir. I’m sure she would love to listen to any complaints you have concerning her decisions.”

Stepping around Rodney to leave, Kavanagh turned, putting a firm hand on Rodney’s back. “I never thought I’d say it, but I’ll be glad when you return.” Neither Carson nor Rodney saw the look malicious look in his eye when he clamped down on McKay’s shoulder, but Radek did.

Rodney arched away sharply, his knees buckling and only Carson’s support kept him from crashing to the floor. His breathing came in sharp gasps as he rocked on his knees, sweat beading on his face at the sudden onslaught of pain emanating from his back. Already, blood spots were forming on his shirt where a few of the worst cuts were reopened. Carson knelt beside him and Radek was staring open-mouthed at Kavanagh as he sauntered down the hall.

Carefully lifting Rodney’s collar, Carson peaked at the damage, “Aw bloody hell, Rodney. Let’s get you to your room so I can look at that,” He was fighting every instinct to go after Kavanagh and beat the man senseless. Rodney flinched away from his touch, muttering between ragged breaths, “Hate… that …bastard.”

Radek replied, “I will take care of devil spawn. Do not worry, Rodney. I will keep job safe for you until you return to torment us all.”

Rodney smiled, albeit weakly, still trembling as he wiped his brow. Carson was grateful for the Radek’s presence. His tongue was almost as sharp as Rodney’s, but even better was his gift for vengeance. Most knew by now not to incur the Czech scientist’s wrath. He had a wicked sense of humor and knew how to use it.

Helping Carson, the two of them managed to get Rodney to his room and Radek bid them farewell, “I must go plan long, painful torture of mean little man.”

Not feeling too charitable towards Kavanagh, Rodney hissed as he settled onto the bed. “Sign my name too, would you?”

“Yes, of course, in very big, angry letters. I will visit later, when you’re doing better. I will keep angry hoards away while you recover. The sooner you heal the sooner I can do work instead of babysit whiny scientists.” Radek pushed up his glasses and turned to leave. “Get well, Rodney.”

Waving him away, Rodney waited until the door closed before he released a big breath, hands grabbing the bed in a white knuckle grip. “Get this shirt off.”

Carson moved quickly, gently easing the shirt away from his back as he removed it. Helping Rodney onto his stomach, he cleaned the irritated area and was grateful to see that the bleeding was stopped. The damage was minimal but Carson was seething with anger at Kavanagh’s callous behavior. “Do you want somethin’ for the pain?”

Rodney shook his head, “I just want to sleep.” He hesitated only a second before asking, “Stay?”

“Aye, I’m not goin’ anywhere. I took a few days so I could look after you.” Carson added lightly, intercepting Rodney’s argument, “I can’t trust you to rest. Knowing you, you’d be back at work before I even made it back to the infirmary. I’ll be staying with you to make sure you don’t escape bed rest before you’re ready.” Slipping out of his shoes, Carson lay beside Rodney on the bed, close but mindful of his injuries.

Lifting enough to scoot closer, Rodney draped himself over Carson’s side and relaxed. Fingers stroked Rodney’s hair. “Go to sleep, luv.”

Mumbling into Carson’s chest, Rodney’s hand drifted up to caress his cheek then pulled himself up to kiss him. The kiss was slow and tender, stopping when Rodney dropped his head onto Carson’s shoulder. “Thanks.”

One leg draped Carson’s and Rodney’s hips did a slow motion against his thigh. Carson admonished him, “As much as that is nice, you’re in no shape for it.”

“I missed you.” Rodney kept at it a bit longer until Carson was beginning to feel the effects.

Rodney’s fingers roamed Carson’s chest and he firmly took Rodney’s hand to stop his teasing, “I mean it, Rodney. There’ll be none of that.”

Stilled for a moment, Rodney’s breathing eased off. Carson lifted his head curiously and smiled warmly. Rodney had fallen asleep.

Chapter 15

Rodney was returning to work almost two weeks later under strict orders from Carson not to overdo it. His back was still sore and tender, making him cautious about moving too quickly. With his wrist healing and the bruises fading, he was no longer content to stay confined to his room. Carson had taken an entire week to care for him and spoil him, to the point that Rodney was feeling guilty about holing up in his room. It wasn’t enough to sit around, even with his laptop, and he’d talked Carson into letting him return to work.

They’d talked a lot and Rodney worked through a few things but still couldn’t see his way to forgive his teammates. Rodney told Carson all about what the Kinobans did, but couldn’t find the words to explain what Pojan had done in the final test. How he’d made him suffer so that Sheppard could have an epiphany. Sadly, Rodney had his own epiphany in those final moments but he kept that to himself. It was too hard to talk about and in the final analysis it no longer mattered. He was off the team and it was time to move on.

He knew the others felt remorse for what he’d gone through but they still didn’t understand. They thought he’d trained with them to fit in. It was more he felt the need to contribute and do his part. He’d done it so he could hold his head up, knowing he’d done everything he could to protect them if the need arose. It was never about fitting in.

Leaving his room for the first time in two weeks, Rodney glanced up and down the hall, making sure it was clear before beginning his trek to the lab. It had taken some work, but he’d convinced Carson he didn’t need an escort. He had no doubt he’d see him before the morning was out. Even with a slower pace, Rodney found himself getting tired and he stopped, leaning against the wall for a moment.

He startled at the familiar voice behind him, “You alright, McKay?”

Rodney pushed away from the wall and kept walking. “What do you want?”

“Nothing, just thought since you’re back on your feet we could talk.”

Sparing Sheppard a sideways glace, Rodney huffed, “Didn’t I make myself clear enough, Major. I don’t want to talk to you.”

“I guess you didn’t use small enough words,” quipped Sheppard, throwing McKay’s words back at him and refusing to let the sour mood daunt him.

The sarcasm wasn’t lost on Rodney, but he really wasn’t in the mood for bantering. “Look I’ll make this as simple as possible, even for you. You made everything perfectly clear, Major. I’m not so dense that I can’t take the hint. You’re done with me, over, finished. All your dreams come true. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.”

John grabbed for him, spinning him around, removing his hand when Rodney winced at the harsh treatment. “I’m sorry, alright. If I could do it over again I would, but I can’t. Can’t you at least give me a chance to explain?” He hesitated before continuing, almost shyly, “I was wrong. I fucked up. It wasn’t you, Rodney, it was me.”

Rodney grunted, “I feel better all ready. Is this where we fight it out, have a few beers and all will be well in the world again?”

Rolling his eyes, Sheppard shook his head, “Shut up and listen. This is important.”

“Oh, I’m sure it is…in your mind.” Rodney started walking again.

Undeterred, John followed. “I had a friend once, he was gay. He used our friendship and it got men killed. Men died because I trusted him to keep his private life out of the field.”

Rodney stopped in his tracks and stared at John as if he’d grown two heads. “You think I’m upset because of the gay thing? It isn’t about that. Well, not really. It’s about my position on the team, Major. I thought we were friends. I thought I could trust you and I find out, in a rather shocking way I might add, that you thought I was liability. You’ll forgive me if I find that disturbing, Major.”

“I never wanted you to get hurt. You’re my friend.”

“I must have missed that part.” Rodney’s tone leveled off, speaking as if it really didn’t matter to him, “Look, Major, this is going nowhere and I really do have work to do. If it eases your conscience any, I really do look forward to no more missions. I can concentrate on my own work without being interrupted every few days, risking life and limb with little return.”

His words were flung out carelessly, but John knew better. “We want you back on the team, McKay. You don’t have to leave. We can work this out.”

Rodney shook his head, “No, we can’t.” He walked away without looking back.

Entering the lab, Rodney was glad to find it empty but for Zelenka. He could deal with Radek, the man gave as good as he got and wasn’t offended by Rodney’s moodiness. McKay sat at his desk with barely a nod at the Czech scientist and got to work.

Absorbed in the latest calculations for converting naqahdah power to the ancient systems, Rodney didn’t realize the time that had passed. The rustle of material on his right drew his attention and he lifted his head to find Carson standing with his arms crossed and looking rather displeased. “I missed you at lunch.”

Glancing at his watch, Rodney was surprised to see it was almost two o’clock. “Sorry, I must have lost track of time. I’ll meet you for supper, how’s that?”

“And what about lunch? You need to eat.”

Duly chastised, Rodney reached into his desk and pulled out a Powerbar, holding it for Carson to see. “Lunch!”

Carson went into Doctor mode, leaving no room for discussion, “I’m picking you up for supper and we can discuss your eating habits. Then we’ll talk about your work habits. I don’t want you overdoing it. Remember, I said, light duty.”

Rodney lifted his chin, defiantly, “Carson, I’m sitting at my desk all day. How is that not light duty?”

Pointing at him, Carson demanded lightly, “Stand up.”

“What?”

“Stand up.”

“Fine.” Rodney stood up and grabbed for the desk to support himself, dizzy and sore from sitting so long. Carson was there to hold him up. Rodney slumped into his chair, and snarled as he dared a look up, “You’re gloating.” Carson gave him a cheeky grin but remained silent.

Zelenka, who had been watching the interchange, spoke up without even lifting his head from his computer. “Go with him to eat, Rodney. I don’t want your job any more. If you relapse, I will let Kavanagh reign over your kingdom and you’ll be left with the remains.”

Rodney shot him his best intimidating glare, “Don’t you have work to do?”

“Yes, of course, I am doing your work and my own, so I am very busy, too busy to nursemaid stubborn scientist. Go with Carson. Relax so you can come back tomorrow and day after that and day after....”

“Shut up, Radek.”

Kavanagh chose that moment to enter the lab, stopping suddenly, surprised to see McKay at his desk. Rodney barely looked at him, “Oh look I’m back! Sorry to disappoint you, Kavanagh. Go away.” When he did glance up at the inept scientist he had to bite back a laugh at the black eye he was sporting and…Rodney couldn’t hold it in any longer and snorted back a laugh at the man’s hair.

Looking over his laptop, Radek asked Rodney innocently, “Is military cut, yes?”

Kavanagh gave Zelenka a pointed glare, but spoke to McKay as if he were glass. “I didn’t know you’d returned. I brought the specs for the recycling system.” The man was practically shaking as he deposited the papers, eyeing Dr. Beckett cautiously as he backed away from the desk. “I…uh…I’ll just leave them.”

His eyes darted between Zelenka and Beckett nervously and he continued to retreat from the room, “It was…a… um.” Kavanagh backed into the wall instead of the door, then scrambled to get away.

As soon as he was gone, Rodney was laughing out loud. “What bug crawled up his ass? And what happened to his hair?”

“Is very sad story, really.” Pushing up his glasses, Radek continued, “I took him to help with ventilation system and as we were working…”

Rodney interrupted, slightly irritated, “We just worked on it a few weeks ago. What’s wrong with it now?”

“I did not say there was anything wrong. Is important he know system so he can fix it when you are busy. System is dangerous, no? All those turning parts. I tell him be careful but he is Kavanagh, he listens only to Kavanagh. Before you know it, ponytail is caught and he is crying like a baby. I tried to shut the machine off but there was no time.”

Rodney shot him an incredulous look, “Why didn’t you just remove the crystal?”

Radek shrugged innocently. “I did not think of it.”

“And I suppose it never occurred to anyone else either?”

“Sadly, no.” Radek shook his head, smiling. “Is good thing I had my knife or he would have been scalped like Indian. He was very grateful. Too bad only barber is military.” When Rodney eyed him suspiciously, Radek smiled slyly, “I was going to cut it off in his sleep. This was better, yes?”

Carson was smiling, “You never said anything about cutting his hair. I thought you’d already finished with him.”

“What did you do, Radek?” Rodney asked with a rising curiosity.

“I only rearranged his room,” said Radek, shrugging.

“He managed to cram every piece of furniture into the bathroom.” Carson chuckled, “Then he made sure the man was well and truly liquored up before walking him to his room. As soon as the door closed behind Kavanagh he locked him in.”

“I did not lock him in. Is not my fault the door malfunctioned, took me hours to release him.”

Carson was laughing, “And the live feed was a nice touch by the way. Seeing the man hop around trying to remove furniture so he could get into his own bathroom was priceless.”

Rodney asked with a raised eyebrow, “Did he…?”

Radek nodded his head, adding mischievously “It was sad to see grown man with so little control.”

Rodney smiled as he half snorted, “Remind me not to piss you off. Where did he get the black eye?”

Radek leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms as he answered, “Major Sheppard and the others did not take too kindly to him harassing a teammate. Teyla is strong woman, with hard hand. He is lucky that Dr. Weir arrived.”

A word here and a word there about what Kavanagh had done to McKay and he was a marked man, just as Zelenka knew he would be. Personally the black eye was too light a punishment from the Czech’s point of view, but it helped to know that the obnoxious scientist wasn’t welcome in most circles these days. In fact, he’d pretty much been shunned by everyone, including the military contingent.

“He will not forget again,” said Radek, his tone serious.

Sitting quietly, Rodney’s face hardened, “I don’t need help fighting my battles.” It was one thing for the scientists to go after one of their own, but involving Sheppard and his men was another.

“Is not a battle, Rodney. He is spoiled man-child. You are loud ass most of time and rude and…”

Rodney stared at him, annoyed. “Is this going somewhere?”

“You are friend, so is not battle,” said Radek, matter-of-factly and returned to his work. The two men fought everyday, but they had become friends along the way and respected each other. Rodney was still taken by surprise by the sentiment.

It had taken time for many of the scientists to realize that McKay was in charge for a reason. They were used to being number one in their fields and the smartest of the smartest. It was unsettling for some to deal with McKay when they found they weren’t top of the heap anymore. Kavanagh and his cronies were among the worst.

If he found fault with their work, it was usually for a reason. With time they’d come to respect his wealth of information, and had witnessed his uncanny ability to come up with solutions to life threatening problems.

Rodney had seen up close what many of them did not when they’d first arrived on Atlantis. This was not a lab situation where they could sit idly by and do research at their leisure. This was life or death and even the smallest miscalculation or mistake could cost lives. Each of them came to terms with that on their own time and slowly came around to McKay’s thinking, working harder to meet his expectations in the process. Those like Kavanagh, that still thought too highly of themselves to look at the bigger picture, were few and far between. Rodney had earned the respect of the others and while not all would consider him a ‘friend’, they knew they could count on him to treat their lives as equally as his own.

Radek met Carson’s gaze. “Take him so I do not have to watch him eat. Is not pretty.”

Carson helped a stunned Rodney to his feet, “Come on then. Let’s get some food in you so you don’t leave Radek with too much work. He complains almost as much as you do.”

Rodney let himself be lead, but entering the hallway he pulled from Carson’s grasp, asking with a frown, “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why would they do that for me?”

“Contrary to what you might think, you’ve a lot of friends and not just your team.”

“My team fed me to the wolves,” said Rodney, bitterness lacing his voice.

“That’s not true.”

“Are you defending them now, Carson?”

Shaking his head, Carson answered, “You know I’m not, but I know that they’ve had a hard time of it too. They know what they did, but they don’t know how to fix it any more than you do.”

Rodney replied stiffly, “Who says I want it fixed?”

Carson knew better, judging by the look in Rodney’s eyes. He may say one thing but he was feeling lost without his teammates. As much as Carson wished things to be better for Rodney, it wasn’t his decision and no amount of talking was going to change that. He suspected now that Rodney was out of his room and working again, it would be harder for him to avoid his teammates and perhaps he would allow them the chance to talk it through.

*********

Teyla was surprised to find Dr. McKay working out in the gym one night several days later, and silently watched as he practiced, unaware of her presence. She slipped away unnoticed after several minutes but returning the next day at the same late hour of the night, found him there again. Easing into the room, she watched him until noticing her, he stopped. “You are doing well. I had hoped you would continue.”

He eyed her cautiously, before coming up with a response, feeling as though he had to justify himself. “There’s really no need, but I find it… relaxing.” In reality, he wanted to stay in shape. He felt better about himself and in this fucked up world they were living in, it couldn’t hurt. That and he hadn’t been lying when he said it was relaxing. After a day in the lab, it was a nice way to wind down and sleep came much easier. Tired from the workout and surprised to be found out, he put the sticks away.

“I am glad then,” said Teyla, moving further in to the room. She watched as he took a towel from his bag and wipe his face, doing his best to ignore her presence. Sensing his unease, Teyla spoke again, “I see that you are still favoring your wrist. If you would like, I could teach you some moves that will strengthen it but not put too much strain on it.”

Rodney sat down, rubbing the soreness in his wrist away. He hesitated at Teyla’s offer, knowing she was only trying to help, but he wasn’t feeling too sociable at the moment. It came as a shock to realize he’d missed her, missed their workouts, but he still couldn’t make himself accept her help. He rose off the bench, shaking his head as he grabbed for his bag, stuttering an excuse, “I need to get back to the lab.”

“Perhaps another time.” Teyla didn’t push him, but he saw the disappointment in her face. He left the room, not wanting to admit how much it hurt to see that look in her eyes.

Chapter 16

“He no longer wishes to be on your team, Major. I can’t force him to go.”

Leaning over Dr. Weir’s desk, Sheppard implored, “But we need him, Elizabeth. According to Teyla there are Ancient ruins on this planet.”

Elizabeth looked up from her computer, “I’m sorry, John, but he was very adamant about not going on any more missions. You’ll just have to find another scientist you can work with.”

He ran a hand through his hair, “We’ve tried that. Muro and Dvorsky came back with their tail between their legs. Only Zelenka seems to have a clue and he’s not real thrilled about going back out again.”

“It would help if you and the others were a little more welcoming, Major,” quipped Elizabeth. “You haven’t exactly gone out of your way to make them a part of your team. Dr. Zelenka confided in me and stated quite emphatically that it is difficult to live up to your expectations, especially when you constantly remind him of how Dr. McKay would have reacted.”

Sheppard raised his voice, “They aren’t a part of my team. McKay is.”

“Was, John. He was a part of your team. That is no longer the case and you are going to have to deal with it. Have you tried speaking with him?”

Sinking into a chair, he sighed, “He refuses to talk to any of us. Even Teyla is running into a wall.”

“I was hoping that he would miss going off world,” said Elizabeth, hopeful that Rodney would find that the work alone wasn’t stimulating enough.  As much as he loved to work in his lab, Elizabeth suspected that having tasted field work, it would no longer be enough to satisfy the curious scientist.

“I doubt it, Elizabeth.  Nothing short of forcing him will make him return to the team,” sighed John, knowing how stubborn McKay could be.  His pride had been hurt and his trust in the team lost.

“I can’t force him.” She changed the subject. “I’m thinking of sending a compliment of scientists to MX4-363. Sergeant Stackhouse reported it to be uninhabited and shows some promise as an alpha site. There are numerous ruins in addition to some interesting geological readings. He suggested it might be a good place for the scientists to do some follow up as well as get some off world experience. I’d like your team to provide backup.”

Sheppard crossed his arms and leaned further into his chair. “This is punishment for the Kavanagh thing isn’t it, making me babysit while they look for ways to hurt themselves?”

“I was only thinking five or six. I know how difficult they can be sometimes and I’d like them all back in one piece,” said Weir, smiling as she said it.

“They seem to draw trouble to themselves. The smartest people in the galaxy and as soon as they find some new discovery they throw caution to the wind and forget common sense.” One look from Elizabeth and he gave a disgruntled response, “I promise not to hurt them. I can’t guarantee anything beyond that.”

Elizabeth laughed, “I’m going to hold you to that, John.”

*********

Hearing about the mission, Rodney called a meeting and detailed who would be going. Both Elizabeth and John were surprised when he insisted he would be going along to oversee the exploration. He claimed it was because of the extensive ruins and possible technology, but with Zelenka going, they knew it was more than that. Rodney was fairly humming with excitement as the meeting progressed and Sheppard wasn’t fooled. McKay had missed being out in the field. Maybe four days on another planet with scientists wouldn’t be so bad if he could get Rodney to give him the time of day.

Two days later, Stackhouse and his team, Sheppard and his, Rodney and a handful of scientists, left for MX4-363. They took two jumpers but only because it was easier to transport all the equipment the scientists insisted on taking. The ruins were about a mile from the gate through thick jungle so they’d still have to walk.

Rodney piloted one jumper with Zelenka, Simpson, Hayes, Borang, Muro and Dvorsky. The latter two because McKay insisted they make up for their poor outing the first time and needed more experience if they were ever going to make it in the Pegasus Galaxy. That and they were in Kavanagh’s camp and needed a reality check about what they were on this expedition for.

As they all sat aboard the jumper preparing to leave, Muro and Dvorsky mumbled to each other, neither man particularly concerned about being overheard. “Why is he even going? I heard he was afraid to go out any more.”

“Well look at him, he’s all geared up like he’s the man. Seems kind of overkill for an uninhabited planet.”

Sitting in the copilot seat, Zelenka looked over at Rodney. He stared out the window, his hands gripping the controls tightly as he concentrated on maneuvering the jumper out of the bay, pretending he didn’t hear the conversation behind him. Zelenka saw the redness in his face and wasn’t fooled. Turning in his seat, Radek berated the two men, “This is alien world. It is wise to take precaution.”

“Oh that’s right, Radek, you took Rodney’s place on Sheppard’s team. How’s that working out? How long before you come running home too? I have to admit, you lasted longer than most,” said Dvorsky, sneering as he laughed with Muro.

Hayes finally spoke up, tired of the sniping, “Oh you can talk, Dvorsky. You lasted what…two days?”

Zelenka smiled, “Yes, that is right. You come crying and begging not to go back.” Glancing at Rodney, Radek saw a thin smile and continued, this time to Rodney so they might overhear, “Do not pay them any mind. They are young and easily impressed by others, sad that they picked such a poor excuse for role model.” Concerned for his friend, Radek shook his head and lowered his voice, “I do not want your place, Rodney. I only carry gun because I have been out there. I now have bad dreams of evil Amish when I sleep.”

Rodney snorted knowingly, “It goes hand in hand with ‘friendly natives’. They might as well put up a flashing neon sign at the gate. Warning…friendly natives…lock and load.” He turned to Radek as they settled the jumper in front of the gate, “And I no longer belong on the Major’s team so it’s moot. Besides, it’s not like I trust anyone else to go out with them.”

Surprised by Rodney’s admission, Radek tried to answer but his voice was cut off by their passage into the event horizon.

********

It was late in the day and things had gone well. They had mapped out the ruins and made a preliminary trip inside what appeared to be one of the main rooms. The walls had Ancient writing that Simpson was working on translating. As the sun began to set they gathered their gear into the makeshift camp that Sheppard and his men set up. With little else to do, they fixed supper of MRE’s and began discussing the day’s findings.

Dvorsky was just about to explain his geologic findings when everything erupted into chaos. After the initial standoff, they found themselves surrounded by a couple dozen angry natives. Vastly outnumbered and outgunned, they lowered their weapons and waited. Major Sheppard stepped forward, speaking to what appeared to be the leader. “We don’t want any trouble. We come in peace.”

Rodney muttered under his breath, “We come in peace?”

Sheppard’s head snapped in his direction, silencing him with a glare. He turned back to the natives and took in their appearance. Their white hair and very pale skin was a sharp contrast to the darkness around them and they looked like something out of cheap horror flick, right down to the creepy red eyes. In addition to that they all wore the same dull expressions that didn’t speak highly of their evolutionary status. “Look, we’re just here to check out things. If it’s a problem we’ll just leave.”

Zelenka whispered to Rodney, “Was it not an uninhabited planet?”

Whispering back, Rodney shrugged, “Judging from their lack of color they must not come out much. Sensors must have missed them.”

Any further response was cut off by a none too gentle whack to his head. He whorled on his attacker but was stopped by a firm hand on his arm. Seeing Sheppard holding him back, he shrugged from his grasp but kept his tongue after the Major shot him a ‘shut the fuck up look’. He crossed his arms indignantly while Sheppard bid for their freedom. Turns out it was a pointless conversation.

It didn’t help that the natives didn’t seem to be the brightest pennies in the pile. They lived in an underground city, away from the sunlight…no surprise there. The only time they ventured above ground was for ceremonial purposes or threatening visitors. That would account for the uninhabited status Stackhouse had given the planet. Apparently they’d crossed over into sacred territory when entering the ruins. The natives had waited until nightfall to avenge their gods and now someone was going to suffer for their indiscretion onto holy ground.

They were all led a short distance from the ruins to a small building. It had two rooms with heavy doors and they were split up. Stripped of all their equipment and weapons , they were thrown into the rooms. Seems their coat color was the determining factor in who went where. Sheppard and McKay were picked from the group and held at gunpoint while the others were locked up.

“You are leaders, yes?” asked the head ghoul, eyeing them both with way too much glee. The way they were glaring at him, McKay was starting to sweat.

McKay looked sharply at Sheppard, “You told them I was a leader?”

Sheppard said sheepishly as their hands were bound. “Not in so many words. I simply mentioned you were in charge of the scientists. You’re the one that is always spouting how you’re in charge because of your superior intellect.”

“Oh that’s just great. Thank you very much, Major. They don’t seem so upset that the military was traipsing around the ruins, so naturally you are less of a target. What is the method of torture here I wonder? Beheading, burned alive, flaying…”

“Shut up, McKay. You’re not helping with the visuals.”

“I was just pointing out that…” Another whack to his head and he fell forward, barely getting his tied hands out to brace himself. “Fuck.”

The major hissed at him, “Quiet.” There was concern in his voice as he added, “Just be quiet.”

Rodney nodded, his head still throbbing as Sheppard helped him to his feet. They stood waiting for the natives to make the next move.

They were manhandled away from the others, the darkness making it difficult to see their destination as they were forced to keep up with their captors. They been walking for more than an hour through thick jungle when Rodney asked nervously, “Where are you taking us?”

Sheppard tried to hush him, his ribs still aching from his earlier attempts for information. The warning came too late and he watched helplessly as McKay was hit from behind. One of the closest natives had used his staff to silence their captive with a quick blow to the back of his head. Rodney cried out and stumbled forward as the stick made contact and barely managed to keep his feet under him.

“Silence!”

“Rodney!” John lurched towards him, but was stopped with an angry blow to his ribs. His hands tied, he instinctively pulled his arms to his side, protecting himself as he tried to catch his breath. Their captors gave neither man the chance to dwell on their injuries, nudging them forward without regard to their pain.

Ahead of him, Rodney was struggling to stay upright as the natives forced them to keep moving. With only moonlight drifting down through the trees it was hard to make out McKay’s expression as he turned towards their captors, but John had no doubt he was glaring angrily at them. Thankfully he held his tongue and only received another tap on his back as encouragement to keep moving.

It was hard to know how long they walked before they were suddenly led to a small enclosure against a large rock face. They all piled inside and in the next instant they were somewhere else, being led down a dimly lit hallway. Eyes wide with fear and face sweating, Rodney glanced over his shoulder for some kind of reassure but John could only shrug, he had no more information than the scientist did. Suddenly they were thrown into a small room with even less light, the door closing before they could get to their feet.

Sitting on the floor holding his head, despite his hands being tied, Rodney sighed wearily, “This sucks.”

“How’s your head?” asked Sheppard, scooting closer as Mckay moved his hands to reach for the back of his head.

“Still there, unfortunately,” said McKay, wincing when his fingers touched the bump at the back of his head.

There was no blood on his hands when he pulled them away and John let out a breath. Tied as they were there would have been little he could have done if it had been more serious. As it was, Rodney’s eyes didn’t seem to be tracking as well as they could have.

Rodney turned to the Major, “How are you doing?”

“Oh you know, a bruise here a bruise there.”

“We are so screwed.”

“Teyla and Ford will find us,” said Sheppard, trying to sound convincing. The look Rodney gave him said he wasn’t falling for it. He shrugged, “It was worth a shot.”

“Well this has been fun. I knew there was a reason I should have stayed in the lab.”

Sheppard shifted uncomfortably, both from the pain in his ribs and McKay’s reference. “For what it’s worth, I’m glad you came.”

“Oh sure, I’ll scream and holler to distract them and you can play the hero. Just like old times,” said Rodney sarcastically.

About to snap back an answer, Sheppard’s response was interrupted when the door opened and four of the natives entered followed by a man that had a look of authority. “You have violated our temple, you will be punished.”

Turning on his heels, the leader barked an order to the others and left. They wasted no time dragging the two men to their feet, answering their questions with punishing blows. They got the hint and kept any further questions to themselves. Taken to a new room, they were chained to the wall with their arms high over their heads.

Chapter 17

Both men glanced nervously over their shoulders, and Rodney’s anxious breathing could be heard as they stepped behind him first. The scientist knew he’d be first considering the natives lack of tolerance for any of his behavior to date. A quick glance at Sheppard and he saw his own terror reflecting in the Major’s eyes. Then he heard the unmistakable sound of arching electricity and panicked. Shaking with a new fear, he snapped his head around to see what his captors were doing and his eyes widened in horror as his worst nightmares were visualized. He tried to twist away, but there was no place to go. Turning away from Sheppard, he steeled himself for what was coming but he couldn’t keep from screaming when the electrical current coursed through him. His muscles quivered and his body spasmed uncontrollably as they touched him with something similar to a cattle prod.

Sheppard yelled every obscenity he knew, begging them to stop. When finally they turned it off, Rodney sucked for air in great heaving gasps, his eyes clenched tight as he tried to regain some control over his body. His knees weak, he leaned heavily into the wall, the coolness feeling good on his face.

“Rodney, you okay?” Sheppard’s voice was shaky and filled with anguish as he took in McKay’s trembling.

Rodney couldn’t answer nor was he given a chance before another shock assaulted his system. His body convulsed again and he unconsciously bit down on his lip, drawing blood. He was rapidly losing control and he was helpless to stop it, the shocks starting and stopping regularly. He could vaguely hear the Major pleading his cause as his tormentors continued, but that ended with a few muted blows and a groan. His breathing was ragged and his heart beat erratically as they continued the abuse. When they finally stopped, he hung loosely in the shackles, unable to stand.

Only when he heard the shuffling behind him, did he dare turn his head. As they positioned themselves behind the Major, he found his voice. It was hoarse from screaming and was ineffective as he watched Sheppard go through the same torture. He begged for mercy until his voice was nearly gone. It was pointless but still he tried, ignoring the additional blows to his body as they tried to quiet him. Only when his face slammed into the wall from a fierce blow to the back of his head was he silent.

***************

Ford was pacing the small confines nervously, stopping to glance out the door at every pass. It was still dark, but he could make out the guards in the waning moonlight. For the hundredth time since Sheppard and McKay had been taken, he slammed into the door. Like all his previous attempts, it didn’t give.

Teyla spoke, “You are wasting your strength, Lieutenant. Should we not be saving our energy for when we can do something?”

Opening one eye, from where he sat on the floor, Stackhouse agreed “Teyla’s right. There’s nothing we can do but wait.”

“I don’t like waiting. There has to be something we can do. Who knows what is happening to them.”

“Perhaps they will be returned to us,” suggested Teyla. “They did not say anything about killing them, only punishing.”

Silence settled over the prisoners, each contemplating their friends’ fate. As the sky began to lighten, their guards suddenly took off, leaving them confined but unguarded.

***************

Sheppard woke with a grunt of pain, stilling as his stomach turned and his body shivered with increasing intensity. His muscles tensed as he rode the wave of uncontrollable tremors until they eased off, leaving him sweating and sucking air. He lay back and took note of his injuries. Besides the slight shaking he was left with, his ribs throbbed and his back was killing him. Shifting on the floor, he startled when his legs wouldn’t cooperate. Ignoring his other injuries, he sat up with some effort and stared down at his legs, willing them to move. Nothing.

He forced down the rising panic, lowering his hand to his legs in hopes that he might feel them. Still nothing. His heart raced and his breathing increased at the implications, but all was forgotten when he spotted Rodney lying several feet away, unmoving. McKay had taken the brunt of the punishment, their captors tiring by the time it was his turn. That and they’d made it clear that because the scientists had entered the inner temple area, McKay, as their leader, was culpable for their indiscretion. Guilt by association. Because of it, Rodney was treated with contempt by their captors.

Wrapping a firm arm around his ribs, he dragged himself across the floor, grimacing at the daggers of pain that flared in his back. He drew a ragged breath at the blood that pooled under McKay’s head. Very carefully, he checked for other injuries. Finding a large knot on the back of his head, John rolled him over carefully. “Shit.” Rodney’s face was covered with blood and still bleeding from a large gash in his forehead. With some effort, he removed his own jacket and then his shirt. Tearing it into strips, he waded some of it up and held it to the bleeding. Rodney stirred but didn’t waken. “Come on, Rodney. It’s time to wake up.”

Again there was some movement, and Sheppard continued to wrap his head, encouraging the scientist to wake, “That’s it, open your eyes.”

His eyelids fluttered open, closed tightly and he began gagging. Reacting immediately, Sheppard rolled him back to his side, holding his shoulder firmly as Rodney lost the contents of his stomach. Finishing, he curled up against the tremors that rocked through him, moaning weakly as they leveled off. His breathing was harsh and he was sweating heavily, swallowing loudly in the tiny room. John leaned over his friend, asking with growing concern, “How you doing?”

He struggled to sit up, the worst seemingly over. Groaning loudly, he dropped his head in his hands, “Oh god, that hurts.” McKay’s hand went to his forehead, feeling the makeshift bandage. His voice was alarmed but quiet as he asked, “I’m bleeding?”

Brushing his hand away, Major Sheppard tried to reassure him, “I stopped the bleeding so don’t mess with it.” The scientist did as he was told, leaving the wound alone. Eyes fluttering shut, Rodney started to tilt sideways. John grabbed for him, pulling him back up. “No sleeping.”

Rodney wearily opened his eyes, looking around the room. “Why is it so dark in here?”

“Um.” John stared at him, his brow furrowed. Raising a shaky hand, he waved it in front of McKay’s face. His heart skipped a beat when the scientist stared ahead blankly, never even blinking. Jerking his hand away, he stared at Rodney, speechless.

“What? What aren’t you telling me?” Rodney stuttered. When the major didn’t answer, Rodney lifted his own hand and held it close to his face. His face showed his panic even as he croaked in a half strangled whisper, “Oh god, I’m blind.”

“Look McKay, don’t panic okay. It’s probably just the head wound. I’m sure it’ll go away.”

“I’m blind, Major. As in I can’t fucking see and you’re telling me not to panic!” His own rising voice sent stabbing pain to his head and he halted in his tirade to breathe through it.

“You okay?”

Rodney breathing leveled off, and he let himself slump back to the floor, “This is just great. I’m blind, stuck god knows where and you…” He looked up out of habit, his face suddenly worried, “Are you hurt?”

Sheppard tried to keep his voice calm, “I can’t feel my legs.”

Jerking back to a sitting position wasn’t the smartest thing to do and Rodney swallowed back the rising bile as he took a couple of breaths and tried to keep from falling on his face or throwing up in his own lap, whichever came first. “Are you crazy? Why are you sitting up like it’s nothing? They don’t teach basic first aid in the military or are you just too stupid to process it? Clue here, Major. If you can’t feel your legs then that could indicate back damage. Christ, lay down at least.”

“Geez, Rodney chill out. Someone will think you actually care.”

-

“Of course, I care, you’re my….” Rodney stopped in mid-sentence, realized what he was about to say and faltered.

“I knew it!” said John, smugly.

Rodney sneered at him, wincing as he raised his voice over his pounding headache, “Fuck you. It doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten.”

John watched the emotions play over McKay’s face, thankful the man couldn’t see his own face as he struggled to lie down again. He grabbed for his back and slowly lowered himself to the ground, biting back a moan as he forced himself to relax. Prone again, he wrapped an arm around his ribs and tried to breathe as normal as possible.

They lay together on the floor for several minutes before he broke the uncomfortable silence. “I didn’t mean it, Rodney. I was looking for excuses and the Kinoban’s found them. It wasn’t what I thought, not really. I know you’re not a soldier. I never expected you to be one. You’re a scientist and it’s my job to protect you. That’s why I’m here. Although, I’m not doing such a great job at the moment. ”

“Do you really think now is a good time to discuss this?”

Staring up at the ceiling, John drawled, “What, you have a date or something? It’s not like we’re going anywhere and if these are our final moments I’d just as soon clear the air before I meet my maker.”

“How pleasant. I feel so much better now.” Rodney paused, “You’re not gonna let this go are you?”

“Nope.”

“Why did you need excuses?”

“Huh?”

“Are you sure you didn’t hit your head? Maybe you’re brain damaged… or worse. Oh, God, I really am dead and I’m in hell, forced to live out eternity with you tormenting me.” Rodney was surprised by how easily they’d slipped back into their normal bantering and even more by how much he’d missed it.

John smiled against his will at McKay’s paranoia, “I was only saying that I was making excuses not to have you on the team and they weren’t very good ones. Happy.”

“No. I went through five days of hell thinking I was doing it for a reason only to have Captain Kirk show up and make it completely meaningless. You thought I was a liability and the evil war lord thought it would be nice if we were all one big happy family. It kind of sucked finding out that I’m such a fuck up in your eyes.”

“Oh Christ, McKay you’re not a fuck up. I was the one that was the fuck up, not you. I’m sorry the sick bastard made you go through that so I could see that, but it did make me see the truth.”

“Well as long as you had a personal breakthrough I guess that makes it all hunky dory.”

“God, you’re such an asshole. I’m trying to explain here.”

“Newsflash, Major, I am an asshole. And you are only doing this so you can save your soul and not rot in hell.”

“Well there is that, but that’s not the whole reason. I’m not perfect, you know. I make mistakes.”

Rodney wasn’t sure what to think. He hated being so stubborn when the major was trying to explain why things had gone badly between them, but he didn’t know what he wanted. There was a part of him that might never be so trusting again, but another part realized how much he’d missed John’s friendship. Quiet followed before he finally spoke again, “Why did you want me off the team?”

“I told you, I had a friend. I caught him screwing around on duty and I let it go because he was my friend. Then it happened again, and soldiers were killed because he was supposed to be on patrol instead of making out with his buddy. I found out his unit was in trouble, so I flew in and rescued them, only I was too late to save him. He got himself and others killed because he couldn’t keep it in his pants. When it was all over I found myself at McMurdo for disobeying orders and guilty by association. Everybody thought because my friend was gay so was I. The military doesn’t look too kindly on that sort of thing and I ended up in the hospital after having the crap beat out of me. I was afraid of having it start all over again.”

Turning to face him, Rodney’s eyes were wide with disbelief. Frightening when John knew he couldn’t really see him. “What? In case you hadn’t noticed, these are alien cultures we are dealing with. Do you honestly believe they were going to send people across the galaxy that have personal hang ups about different values? Oh sure they’re basically the same here.” He paused for a moment, thinking. “Okay the ‘Thou Shalt Not Kill’ might be questionable. My point is, if they can accept the existence of a blood sucking aliens they can accept homosexuality. The people sent to Atlantis weren’t just drawn out of a hat.” He waved his hand in the air, “Well, maybe Kavanagh. They were all carefully screened for tolerance to extreme situations. I don’t think my being gay is something they lose sleep over. Besides, I doubt very much if your reputation will be tarnished by associating with me. Everyone knows you are the biggest whore in the Pegasus Galaxy.”

John lifted his head and stared at him slack jawed, “Whore? Don’t you think that’s a little harsh?”

Rodney lifted one finger, “One, the nymph on MX6-421.” He lifted a second finger, “The peasant on MX2-989.” Another finger. “The alien bride on…”

Sheppard snapped back indignantly, “Hey, that one wasn’t my fault” Rodney rolled his eyes. John huffed and sank back to the floor, “Fine. You made your point.”

“Thank you.”

There was more silence, this time John was the first to speak. “I’m sorry. I let my past get in the way of our friendship.”

Rodney’s response was very quiet, “You still thought I was a liability. You didn’t say it, but that’s what you thought. You thought I’d screw up like your friend and get someone killed. You didn’t trust me.”

“It wasn’t about trust.”

“What then?”

“I didn’t…” John hesitated, “I didn’t want to lose another friend.”

“So you push me away, treat me like shit so when I am killed it doesn’t hurt so much?”

“Something like that.”

Sitting up, regretting it momentarily as his stomach rebelled, he glared down at where he thought Sheppard was, “That is the most asinine thing you have ever said.” His head was pounding in time with his heartbeat and his face paled. “I’m gonna be sick.”

Turning away from the Major, he threw up. Rodney grabbed his head as the effort intensified his headache which made his stomach even angrier. As he continued to dry heave, he felt a hand on his shoulder and was oddly comforted by it. As the sickness subsided he rolled away from the mess, “That was fun.”

“You gonna live?” Sheppard asked, his hand finding Rodney’s shoulder as he slumped in the dirt. McKay nodded weakly. John questioned him, “How bad?”

Rodney snorted softly, pain etching his features, “A herd of elephants dancing on my brain is probably an understatement.” He patted the major’s hand, “Uh…thanks. I think I need to sleep.”

“You’ve got a concussion, Rodney. Sleeping probably isn’t such a great idea.”

“Fine, I’ll just lay here and check my eyelids for holes. Feel free to ramble on without me.”

John gingerly stretched out beside him, glancing over occasionally to make sure he was still awake. He grinned and turned to Rodney, “I could use that beer about now.”

“A beer would be good.”

“You probably shouldn’t drink beer with a head injury.”

“Oh that is just hilarious. Mock the injured.”

They both lay in dirt, staring at the ceiling, each lost in their own thoughts. “We okay now?” asked Sheppard, not sure but hopeful that they’d settled things.

Rubbing his eyes, Rodney sighed tiredly, too many things were still unsettled in his mind. “Can we do this another time? I’m kind of at a disadvantage here. I’d like to remember revealing my inner demons at some point down the road and given our present circumstances and my head injury, I’m not sure that’s possible.”

“Good point. You got any ideas for getting out of here?”

“What part of not thinking too clearly didn’t you get?”

“Well, the guards took off about twenty minutes ago and there’s a panel by the door. Think you can work with that?”

Rodney raised his hand off the floor. “Hello. Blind here.”

“If we get out of here, I’ll throw you your very own pity party, but right now we need to figure out a way out or it won’t matter that you can’t see.” He slapped Rodney’s shoulder. “Get up. You can tell me what to do,” said Sheppard, dragging himself towards the door.

It wasn’t like Rodney was the only one with injuries. The Major was ignoring the fact that his legs were useless so Rodney sighed in resignation. Lifting up slowly, he swayed, dizziness, nausea and pain making him unsteady on his feet. “This isn’t going to work, Major. Even if we get the door open, we’re still stuck here. I can’t see and you can’t walk.” His hands reached out blindly as he staggered towards the Major’s voice. Finding the wall, and then the door, he sank to his knees, taking in deep slow breaths. Hands trembling, he dropped his head. “I don’t think I can do this.”

“Sure you can. Just help me up and we can get the panel off, then you can do your McKay magic.”

“Science is a hardly magic, Major. Although… magic is usually just applied science designed to fool gullible adults and small children.” He paused as felt Sheppard’s arm drape his shoulder. Grabbing his hand, he used it to leverage the Major to his feet then grabbed his belt in a tight grip, holding him upright. He grunted with the effort, “Of course it makes sense that you still have a fondness for it.” He stayed still, holding Sheppard firmly, listening for the fast, shallow breaths to ease off. “Major?”

Sheppard nodded, forgetting that McKay couldn’t see him. “I’m good.” Rodney flashed him a knowing look that, even blind, told him he didn’t believe him. It didn’t help that he was gritting his teeth as he spoke. Even with his feet barely touching the ground, it was enough to send shooting pain through his lower back and his ribs made breathing a conscious effort. “Just don’t drop me.”

Rodney had his eyes closed, leaning into the wall while Sheppard fiddled with the panel. He tried to hold him steady, but his hands and legs were starting to tremble and it was getting harder to keep his grasp as his muscles twitched uncontrollably. He was interrupted from his thoughts when John startled, jerking in his grasp. “Ease up! I think you gave me a wedgie.”

“Sorry,” Rodney said, willing his hand to relax its grip. Sweat dripped into his unseeing eyes, and he blinked away the sting. His head was pounding in time with his heartbeat and getting louder with each passing minute. The major was heavy and he had to concentrate to keep them both from crumbling to the floor. About to admit he needed to sit, the Major came through and he heard the metal panel clank to the floor. He didn’t wait for any argument and lowered both of them back to the floor. “I need to sit.”

“Sitting is good.” Wincing as he settled in the dirt, Sheppard glanced at McKay who was decidedly pale.

Nodding, Rodney closed his eyes, swallowing hard as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. His hand shook and he hid it in his lap. “What did you see?”

Watching McKay closely, he was aware of the tremors in his hands but let him be. “Wires.”

“What an astute observation, nothing gets by you,” Rodney retorted, letting his chin rest on his chest. He wanted to sleep, but was nudged from the beginning of a doze.

“Wake up.”

Rodney jerked awake and said groggily, “Can’t we just once sit and wait for a rescue.”

“You think they’ll find us. I’m betting we’re in some underground facility.”

“What makes you think we can find our way out of here, assuming of course we make it past the guards? Oh, and lets not forget that I can’t see and you can’t walk. Short of carrying your ass, we’re going no where.”

When Sheppard didn’t respond, Rodney looked at him sharply, disbelief unmasked on his face. “You actually want me to carry you out of here, don’t you?”

“This would be a good time to point out that you’ve buffed up, right? And you are always saying I have a skinny ass so now’s the perfect chance to put all that work to use.”

“I suppose you’re going to see for me, is that it?” smirked Rodney, barely containing himself.

“Don’t go there, McKay?” growled Sheppard, knowing his friend too well. Giving him a sideways glance he saw the smirk on McKay’s face growing. “Oh hell, just get it over with then.”

Rodney actually burst out laughing, gasping his words, “Sheppard…my own…seeing…eye…dog.” The laughter finally stopped, but only because it was obviously painful for the scientist to prolong the teasing.

Sheppard sneered at him, allowing himself a small smile, “Feel better?”

“Not really,” sighed McKay, wiping tears away. John was sure if they were from laughing or not. The scientist’s features were pinched tight as he dropped his head. “Still, it was too good to pass up.”

Chapter 18

They eased down the corridor, if ease was the proper term for McKay’s stumbling gait and their labored breathing. Sheppard’s head was pounding from the added blood at having his head upside down, and his ribs throbbed with every breath, crushed against McKay’s shoulders as they were. A fireman’s carry was not the ideal form of transportation when one was sporting bruised ribs. Rodney’s shoulder was digging viciously into those ribs and the pain was getting harder and harder to just ignore.

They’d been wandering through the underground labyrinth for close to an hour, going in the same direction and steadily upward when stairs presented themselves. They tried the transport only once, but ending up god knows where, they took off on foot. It was only semi-comforting to know that at least they where making progress if they were going up. Rodney shifted him on his shoulder for the hundredth time and John finally called a halt.

His own ribs and back needed a break, and McKay looked ready to drop. The bandage on his head was stained with blood and the man was looking noticeably pale. More worrisome was the shaking whenever he wiped away the new layer of sweat that accumulated on his face. They were going to need water soon before they both became dehydrated, if they weren’t already.

Unable to take any more of the screaming pain in his ribs he murmured, “You ready to stop?”

Rodney’s shoulders slumped, almost dropping Sheppard in the process, “God, yes! Tell me where to go.”

John lifted his head, difficult hanging as he was on Rodney’s shoulders, and scanned the hall ahead of them. His voice was strained on as he gave directions, “Up ahead about ten paces, then left. Looks like another alcove.”

“Right,” sighed Rodney, the weariness he was feeling clear in his voice. “Tell me when to stop.”

Moving ahead slowly, his footsteps measured, he followed the Major’s directions. Stopping in the recessed area, Rodney eased him to the floor then sank to his butt, letting the wall hold him up. Not moving and having nothing to distract him, the complete darkness crept in on Rodney and he tried not to panic. He unconsciously reached out for something familiar to ground him. Brushing the Major’s leg the panic receded to a manageable level and if Sheppard noticed, he didn’t mention it. They sat in the shadows breathing harshly through new pains before Rodney finally spoke, “If I ever comment on your skinny ass again, remind me about this would you?”

Smiling, in spite of himself, John winced at the pain in his back as he shifted closer to Rodney until they sat shoulder to shoulder. Rodney visibly relaxed and John joked back, “Good thing you stayed in shape, huh?”

“Oh yes, who knew I’d be required to carry you out of the bowels of some alien planet where hallways go on forever.”

“Well they can’t go on forever. We’ve been making steady progress up too.”

Dropping his head on his forearm as it rested on his bent knee, Rodney said tiredly, “Wake me when you’re ready to go again.”

Concerned, John talked to keep him awake, “How you doing?”

Lifting his head only slightly, he turned to Sheppard, “If I ignore the jackhammer in my head, the aching numbness in my shoulders and the overwhelming need to puke, I’m fine. You?”

“Ribs hurt like a mother.” He didn’t mention the unrelenting throbbing in his back. He sat, keeping his eyes on the hallway and listening for any sound of the inhabitants. “Don’t you find it odd that we haven’t seen a soul and no one seems to care that we escaped?”

“What, you miss the blaring klaxons and gunfire? Maybe they decided to let us go and this is some sort of amusement for them. Put the rats in a cage and see if they can get out.”

“Nah, no monitors. What fun would it be if they couldn’t see us scurrying about, bumping into walls.”

Rodney sat up, swaying for second before steadying. “Maybe they haven’t discovered we’re missing yet.”

“Still doesn’t account for the empty hallways. It’s like the place is deserted.”

“I’d love to discuss the possible theories with you, but… I’m gonna be sick.” Rodney’s stomach convulsed, nothing coming up but bile as he dry heaved and groaned, “Oh god.”

John was holding him up so he didn’t fall over, rubbing his neck as it passed. Helping Rodney sit back up, he sat next to him watching the scientist anxiously, “We need to find some water.” Reaching into the inner pocket of his jacket, he pulled out a very mushy chocolate bar and carefully tore away half and handed it to McKay. “Here.”

“What?” asked Rodney, as he held out his hand. Bringing the item to his nose, he cautiously smelled it. He glared at John, “You had chocolate and you didn’t tell me?!”

Squeezing the messy sweetness into his mouth, he carefully unfolded the wrapper and licked the remaining chocolate of the paper. John stared at him in awe, not missing a single speck. “Do you have like chocolate radar or what?”

“No point in wasting it.” He folded the wrapper and stuck it in his pocket. “Thanks.” Seeing some of the color return to McKay’s face was enough reassurance that it wasn’t wasted. Hesitating, Rodney asked, “Why do you carry it?”

“What, the chocolate?”

“Yeah. It’s not like I ever see you eating it while we’re on missions.”

Knowing McKay couldn’t see his face or his concern made the conversation easier and he answered, “I carry them just in case. Can’t have you fainting on me.”

Smirking, Rodney said indignantly, “Passing out and I thought you didn’t believe me.”

“I wouldn’t carry it if I didn’t believe you,” countered Sheppard, trying to sound nonchalant about it.

Rodney sat quietly, seemingly in thought. “So on Kinoban, that was you that gave me the chocolate, not Teyla.”

John shrugged. “Well, you didn’t look so good.”

“Yes, well hypoglycemia does that. The point is, I’m just surprised you’d go to such lengths when you had such a loathing for me.”

Huffing, the Major sighed, “I don’t loathe you, McKay.”

“Hello…you did then if I recall correctly.”

“Yeah well that was before and I was wrong. Can we just drop it?”

Rodney snorted, “You were the one that wanted to do all the touchy, feely psychoanalysis earlier, not me.”

“Fine. I carry the chocolate because I don’t want you ‘passing out’ and I talked to Carson about it. He thought it would be a good idea.”

“You talked to Carson?”

“Well, if it was serious enough for you to rant on it all the time, I figured it was important.” Rolling his head to ease the tension he was feeling, John finally sighed in frustration, “Look, you’re my friend and I was trying to do the right thing. Shoot me.”

“Don’t tempt me,” Rodney said sarcastically, although the effect was lost as he yawned and started to drift off.

“No sleeping.” John was afraid more than ever what would happen if McKay fell asleep. The head wound had him worried more than he would admit, especially with the nausea and lightheadedness the scientist was showing. He was looking only slightly better after the candy but still…

Rodney reached behind him as he used the wall at his back to leverage himself to his feet. His eyes clenched tight, he let the wall hold him up as the dizziness passed. Taking a deep breath he let it out slowly.

Staring up at McKay, John asked, “What are you doing?”

“It’s either keep moving or fall asleep and you have a vicious streak in you regarding my sleep habits as of late so let’s just try and find our way out of here.” Rodney reached out his hand waiting for John to take it. When he did, he bent over and maneuvered the Major over his shoulders.

“Wait!” hissed John, his ribs on fire. “Can you shift me a bit so your shoulder isn’t gouging a hole in my ribs?” Rodney hefted him up and changed the balance enough to where John let out of sigh of relief, “Thanks.”

“Where to?”

“Left.”

********

The sun was heating up the small confines of their prison cell, making tempers short. The scientists had all found their own private space to sit and stew. It didn’t help that they’d been left without any food and only a small amount of water. With the guards gone there was no one to complain to. There was no hope for any sort of rescue before nightfall, since they’d reported back to Atlantis the night before that all was well. Another check-in wasn’t scheduled until the evening and it would still be a couple hours after that before any type of rescue could be mounted.

Dr. Zelenka got to his feet and went to the door. Standing on his toes, he looked out the small port and still there were no guards. Unfortunately, even without guards they were hopelessly imprisoned. The door was solidly mounted in the thick rock walls and nothing short of the key or some explosive device was going to free them. The natives obviously weren’t worried either since they hadn’t been around since the sunup. His eyes brightened and he turned to his colleagues, a finger in the air as he startled them, “That is it!”

Simpson looked at him as if he were crazy. Well, so did the others but she was the first to speak, “What are you talking about?”

“I think they do not like the daylight, that is why they leave. We spent most of yesterday at the temple but they did not appear until dark. Why wait so long if such a thing is forbidden. I am thinking it is because of daylight. It would also account for why we did not pick them up on the first visit.”

Hayes picked up on his line of thought, “They looked like albinos, white hair, pale skin, red-eyes. If they are like the albinos on Earth the sun could be harmful. Skin cancer. Cataracts . They would live underground as a means of survival. The scanners would have missed them.”

Radek shook his head. “No, scanners still would pick them up.” He thought for a moment, pushing up his glasses before speaking, “Unless they have some sort of shield to protect them.”

Borung, the geologist, finally spoke up, “Or a natural barrier. We have found minerals that even the Ancient scanners can’t penetrate. If they live under such a layer of solid rock, we could have missed them.”

“It would also protect them from Wraith,” said Zelenka off hand.

Simpson put in her two cents worth. “So even if they do live underground, why isn’t their more evidence of them on the surface? Wouldn’t you see at least trails of some sort? They have to eat and we know they come out at night.”

“Well, I suppose they could have hydroponics or something equivalent. Or they stay on existing game trails so they don’t give themselves away,” suggested Hayes.

Finally, a disgruntled Muro spoke up, “What is the point of this conversation? We are stuck on a planet, in a jail with no food or water. Does it really matter where the natives live? We are going to die here because someone didn’t check out the planet as well as they should have.”

Zelenka snorted, “We will not die. When we do not check in this evening, they will send someone.” He slide down the wall, “Is easy. We just wait.” Glaring at the whiny scientist, he added, “Besides, you have anything better to do?”

Dvorsky spoke up, defending his friend, “I think what he is saying it that McKay should have made sure this planet was safe before he sent us on this stupid mission. He takes the word of some grunt and what happens? We’re the ones paying the price.”

The others stared at the two young scientists in surprise. Radek snapped, “I think you forget that they are the ones paying the price for our indiscretion on holy ground.”

**********

The last hour was wearing on both men’s nerves as Rodney moved as quietly as possible through the long hallway. On either side of him were open rooms, holding sleeping occupants. John had whispered the problem and was leading McKay by tugging on the hand wrapped around his wrist. It wasn’t as effective but it kept them from being detected. Most of the rooms held at least one person, sometimes two and privacy obviously wasn’t an issue, considering the open doors and occasional entanglement of occupants.

Not one of the natives stirred as they’d tiptoed past. Approaching the end of the hallway, it was disheartening to see that it neither went left nor right, but dead ended at a door, that Rodney was presently standing in front of as John tried to peer in the window. He whispered, “It looks empty. There’s a bar at three feet just to your right. Looks like you can lift it.”

Rodney used his free hand and they entered the room cautiously. It looked like a small lab, and was rather barren but for a counter and a few stools. The opposite wall had another door that led into a much bigger cavern. John led Rodney to the other door. “Counter on your right, set me there so I can see what’s inside. A stool to your right. Have a seat.”

Doing as he was told without comment, Rodney rested his aching head on his arm as he slumped over the counter. Both men were quiet, exhausted and sore. The fact that McKay wasn’t complaining meant he was too tired to speak or he was hurting a lot more than he was letting on. Judging by the way he was scowling and rubbing his head, he still had a headache. He looked terrible with the haphazard bandage wrapping his head, blood and dirt streaks marring his face. John let him rest as he peered through the door to see where they were headed.

They could either hope there was escape through the next room, or risk going back the way they’d come, which included the agonizing return past the sleeping natives. Squinting in the limited light, he tried to make out what the next room held in store for them. It looked like natural light filtering in at the far upper stretches of the room, but scanning the area between them and their freedom, it wouldn’t be easy to reach. The final test lay between where they were and where they needed to be. Even then they still had to make the final trek through the jungle.

Chapter 19

Sheppard leaned against the wall, holding his ribs with one hand while the other rubbed at the soreness in his lower back. Torn between moving again and just letting McKay take a few more minutes, he kept watch over the sleeping scientist. He shouldn’t let him sleep like he was, but sheer exhaustion was winning out. Just being carried and the constant pain were wearing him down, Rodney probably felt even worse. Even as he slept, he looked like hell. Reluctantly, John reached out and nudged him awake.

Rodney woke with a start. Disoriented and alarmed by the darkness, he was on the edge of panic when a hand gripped his shoulder. “Settle, McKay.”

Who, what and where he was came back and he calmed. Embarrassed by his reaction, Rodney nodded and dropped his head again, “Let me sleep.”

“Nuh uh. Wake up.”

“I’m tired,” whined McKay.

“Come on, Rodney. We get through this next section and I’ll give you the rest of the chocolate.”

Straightening on the stool, Rodney went through several contortions to ease the ache in his back. “I’m not some dog you can reward with a treat.”

“Oh wait, I recall a dog joke earlier, maybe I should get the treat.”

Rodney flashed him that creepy, unseeing glare, “Not and live, you mentioned chocolate.” His voice softened, “How are your legs, any better?”

“Tingly.”

“Tingly good or tingly bad?”

“Good I think, although I kind of preferred it when I couldn’t feel anything.”

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, Major,” sighed Rodney. John realized his mistake. His legs might be getting better, but McKay still couldn’t see.

Ignoring the obvious, he changed the subject. “So do want the good news or bad news first.”

“You mean there is actually good news?”

“In this case it’s better than the bad news, making it good news.”

“God, that actually made sense,” moaned McKay, standing up to get some circulation back into his legs. He tilted a bit and grabbed for the counter. An arm gripped him until he was steady then fell away without comment. “So the good news. I could use a brief reprieve from the repetition of bad that seems to be following us on this mission.”

“There’s light at the end of the tunnel, literally. I think I can see daylight on the other side of the next room.” Sheppard grinned at the surprised look on McKay’s face. It only lasted a second.

“And the bad news? I’m not gonna like this am I?”

“Ummm…no. There’s a few obstacles before we get there.”

Rodney reached out blindly for the stool and sat down heavily, “This day just gets better and better.” He rubbed at his temple, willing the roaring ache to subside. The bandage hid the permanent crease on his brow from the headache that had only worsened as the morning went along. “So tell me, how bad is it?”

“Well for starters, there are some really big vats that seem to be bubbling and the only way across is a narrow catwalk…and no railings.” Sheppard winced as he added that last bit. It wouldn’t be a big deal if Rodney could see his own way across, but with only John to guide him there would be very little room for mistakes.

Eyes wide and fearful, McKay sensed the Major’s hesitation, and asked tentatively, “What else?”

“I think there’s a ladder to the exit but I can’t be sure, the light’s not very good.”

Rodney sighed heavily, “I like the good news better, because your bad news really sucks, Major.”

“Nah, the bad news would be if we make it that far and can’t get out.”

“You’re just full of good cheer.” Standing again, he reached for the Major. “Let’s do this before I lose what few nerves I have left.” Hefting John to his shoulders, adjusting him as necessary, they entered the large cavern. Rodney took a few steps in the room and stopped. He lifted his head and smelled the air.

John was suddenly on alert. “What’s wrong?”

“Sulfuric Acid. What do you see?”

“Um, big vats of some sort of liquid. It’s all divided up into honeycomb looking cells. Shouldn’t we be moving if we are breathing in acid fumes?”

“Did you see any type of protective gear in the last room?”

Sheppard thought for a second. “No.”

“Then they probably don’t need it. I wouldn’t want to stay in here for any length of time, but it’s most likely vented to the outside. That’s why it’s so close to the surface.”

“What is it?”

“Do the honeycombs have anything hanging in them, metal plates, wires?”

“Maybe, it’s hard to tell from here.”

“It’s a battery, Major. Low tech, but it probably works well enough fo